spring

"The splendor of the rose and the whitness of the lily do not rob the little violet of it’s scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its lovliness."

Therese of Lisieux

i'm falling in love with spring.
cherry trees lining streets,
magnolias ready to burst from their furry shells,
especially lenten roses with their demure petals facing downwards
but if you look up from the ground you see breathtaking beauty.

i've been to 3 gardens in the last few days.
taken hundreds of pictures.
often taking my camera away from my eyes and putting it oh so close to the flowers.
which brings forth some magical photos
as the camera looks from where the fairies eye view.

i loved seeing that shutter sisters discussion of the day was just this:
shooting from the floor.
when i was at the vandusen gardens the other day i saw a lady wearing knee pads, walking around with a whole lotta photo gear. i would love to see the pictures she takes. thats a pretty good idea, wearing knee pads, for those of us smitten with seeing flowers from unusual angles.

the above was one of those photos in which i stuck my camera near the ground and started shooting....here's a few more!

you who are beautiful

I had a lovely photoshoot this weekend with a friend, each of us taking a turn with being in front of and behind the camera. Its been a while since I've had pictures taken of me and it was a very humbling experience. It felt so good to see the beauty she captured of me, pictures that feel like they are the authentic, beautiful me. It feels important to return to being in front of the camera every so often, so i can remember that place those I photograph are in and ponder more ideas to help them feel comfortable.

Most of the inquiries I get from friends lately about photoshoots have involved them feeling like they need a reminder of their own beauty for those days when they are having a hard time with it. This has me thinking of the importance of photographs in increasing our self esteem.

I know that for me, taking self portraits has been incredibly healing. There is no one else to feel nervous around, you can make goofy or sexy faces and just delete it if it ain't what you wanted. It becomes a place of play for me and I've truly been able to see myself as beautiful through this process. Doing the 365 challenge (which I started in august) took this to a new level. Some days I do a self portrait I love, other days just a quick one that may not be fancy but may truly represent how exhausted i was or show some other authentic representation of my day.

I'm excited to be able to offer this kind of support to other people. To help them capture a visual representation of their beauty, their authentic self. I think all my friends are beautiful...just gorgeous inside and out...but if they don't believe it, its difficult to capture it on camera. Its not difficult to take a pretty picture...but my goal is to take a picture (or lots) that makes you say 'yes...thats really me' or 'wow...i'm beautiful'. When Z was taking pictures of me this week I realized how hard it is for people to open up like that when having their photos taken...and how important it is that we do. It was like all that practice taking self portaits in my bathroom mirror disappeared and i had to centre in how safe I felt in the moment in able to let go. I can see my uncomfort in the early pictures and then watch its unfolding. I see that too in those I photograph...that moment that is like a big sigh....and they start moving more, smiling wider and opening to that experience. It is so important that we connect to that feeling of being beautiful in a way that isn't connected to our outer appearances....that radiant self love that makes our beauty radiate.

I wrote this post and then went over to Shutter Sisters (one of my favourite websites these days) and realized it is Love Thursday. This post is about Self-Love...that elusive kind of love that is probably the one we need the most. The above pictures feel to me like they radiate the self love that we both strive to have grow even stronger in our hearts!

A beautiful song by India Arie feels like the best way to end this post:

Beautiful Flower

This is a song for every girl who's
Ever been through something she thought she couldn't make it through
I sing these words because
I was that girl too
Wanting something better than this
But who do I turn to

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

This is a song for every girl who
Feels like she is not special
'Cause she don't look like a supermodel Coke bottle
The next time the radio tells you to shake your moneymaker
Shake your head and tell them, tell them you're a leader

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

Yeah, you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, yeah, you
You are brilliant

superhero photo challenge: eyes closed

i love catching those moments
when your eyes naturally close
because your smile is so all encomapssing!

a few other things making me smile today:

~waking up to find an email from this lovely blogger including the words
rooooooooaaaarrrrr!!! that gave a super empowered start to a day which really needed a change in mood!
check out the movie trailer that prompted such a vibrant roar!

~treating myself to the dvd of this amazing movie that i want to watch over and over again!

~this photo

~checking out other eyes closed pictures over at the superhero challenge at shutter sisters

whatever it is, it is what i am.

written while in portland:

what is it about this place?
i feel like i can shake off protective layers and just be my authentic, even confident self here.
i look around and everyone seems like they've done the same.

i've spent the day on alberta st and now mississipi st.
drinking stumptown coffee,
admiring the stores tumbleweed and mabel and zora.
standing in awe of jen mercede's art.

my folks are feeling under the weather, so are taking it easy here. they have another week here, but i'm heading home on the train tomorrow. we're learning how to use the darkroom in my photography class and i can't miss that. but its kind of nice that i've been able to spend the day alone, lots of journal writing while coffee drinking, chatting with pdx folks and exchanging smiles with just about everyone i see.

it really feels like home here. i'm pretty wide open to where life might take me. who knows...maybe it will be home someday.

back in vancity:

i've been home for a few days and that quick doze of pdx has done mighty good for me. i hadn't been down there since october and a little part of my heart was obviously in desperate need of whatever sort of energetic wavelength exists in portland. whatever it is, it is what i am.

my first few days of being home, i've jumped right back into work...so i've been having what i call 'gentle days' which due to the nature of working nights are those that i set expectations for myself that are not as vast as a post-8-hour-sleep day. mostly the gentleness refers to my need to be gentle with myself. i have this way of waking up in the morning and jumping right into a place of guilt....mostly that I'm not making all that I can of the day. But I do this before the day really gets going and it brings a negative tone to a day which hasn't even had the chance to show me its potential! Its very noticable after being on holidays, where i don't question the validity of every moment of every day.

so i've been working on being present and just letting the day unfold. i've discovered a wonderful tool for when that chatter begins. i've been putting on the cd 'Sin and other Salvations' the wyrd sisters. I'd have to say its one of my favourite albums ever. it speaks right to my root chakra and grounds me. it also speaks very clearly to my heart and my throat chakras...gets me feeling present and alive and gets me singing from that place in my core that lives to sing. by the time the cd has played a few songs, i am feeling present and ready to listen to the wide openness that is the day.

i've also been trying to stay in that place in which portland sings to my heart. what can i do to bring that pdx-love back to vancity? i've been painting up a storm and am working on image transfers of some of my photographs which i eventually plan to add to my etsy store (but have a bit of a ways to go before perfecting the technique!)

i also felt mighty beautiful in portland. i felt seen. i felt like people spoke the same language there about what beauty is. i'm noticing that embodiment of my own beauty that i feel there hasn't disappeared. its like knowing that someone out there sees you for who you are. they may not be by your side at all times, but sometimes just knowing they are there is enough to walk taller and feel stronger!

the reunion of viv and pdx

i've just arrived at my home away from home in portland
swooning from an amazing weekend on the coast!

i only have 36 hours in my beloved city before i need to head back to vancity.
so i'm going to try and savour every sight and sound.

my master plan for my one and only day here:

alberta street
stumptown coffee
pdx people watching
lots of photo taking of the above things!

yum!

bound for the coast!

i'm off to the oregon coast for a long weekend!
be still my beating heart!

armed with:
7 cameras (holga, diana, lubitel, fisheye, duaflex, film rebel and canon rebel!)
5 maps showing the most scenic route possible
2 wonderful parents
2 roadtrip cds
1 silver car
1 sleep till the open road!

finding the magic in unexpected places

lately i've been super inspired by the magic one can make using photoshop. layers and textures are making me swoon. i'm digging back into all my old images and i'm amazed at how an image i might have overlooked before can be turned into something amazing. Like the image above....really its quite a boring image, grey skies, but not anymore!

yesterday i was aching to get out my old duaflex and take some ttv pictures. it had been a while. i went to a big beautiful garden near my home and went for a photo walk. but the ttv shots just weren't happening. i mean, they are ok, but they just didn't spark the magic that i usually find when i look through that old camera. mildly disappointed, i kept on walking around the gardens. this is a really amazing place by the way. it used to be a golf course, so its a great expanse of gardens.

right now not much is growing. i'm making sure i visit at least once a month as i want to be more aware of the changing season and witness as much blossoming beauty as i can! Last month it was the witchazel blossoming bright yellow. This month the rodadendrun is just starting to emerge. My favourite, the magnolias, are awaiting their emergence, still content in their fussy cases.

as i wandered the garden my eyes started to hurt when i looked through the camera. what? my whole new life plan is based on the need to be able to look through a viewfinder for the rest of my life! so i decided to just take the camera away from my eyes. with the holga camera they recommend this. shoot from the hip, let go, don't plan out the perfect picture cause it won't come out that way! just let the magic happen. so that i did. and it brought the magic back...that spark that differentiates simply just taking a picture from engaging in the creative process of photography. here's a few of them!





in this ever changing and growing world of making art through the viewfinder i'm being blown away, humbled, challenged and given gifts from the muse...all at the same time. on oprah yesterday she and marianne williamson talked about how when you are on the right path, the universe falls into place around you, to help you on your way. being someone who has spent most of my adult life feeling like i was not on the right path and not knowing how to get there...i agree with them. they also spoke about how important the challenges, the being lost, the confusion, even the depression is a part of this journey. i know i wouldn't feel so inspired today without going to those depths of sadness in the last few years. i think back on those times and now i can see how important it was to be there. there was magic there too. our shadow side is an important part of us.

this all makes me think...
how can i try something in a different way to re-invigorate my drive for it?
what patterns do i have that could use a change in perspective?
what is there in my life right now that feels frustrating but is really a part of the greater good?
what other exciting possibilities could be right around the corner?

how 'bout you?

sunsets are best watched in the arms of friends

Love Thursday: love notes from a busy week

Well, its friday. But I still wanna celebrate love thursday! Never too late for love right?

Things I loved about this week:

~This amazing poem by Dancing Mermaid that makes you feel like she wrote it just for you and your precious heart. I read it a few hours after posting that last post...and it felt like such a blessing.

~This album by Rose Cousins has been on repeat on my ipod all week. I can't get enough of it!

~spending lots of time with my three red haired bestest buds (2 of the 3 as shown above). although it was mostly because 1 or 2 of them were home sick and I was helping out, we had some serious fun. i've know them all since just after the twins were born and they light up my life!

~making plans with my parents for their upcoming trip out west to see the sisters. they are flying into vancouver to see me and then we three are driving down to portland to see my sister and her hubbie. also included in this trip is a few nights at a beach house on the coast (how dreamy!).

~hearing super exciting baby and birthing news. two new gorgeous beings born to mama friends yesterday. news that one dear sweet mama hopefully will have the birthing experience she dreamed of.

~the decadence of eating crab (i'm getting better at crackin' em open each time i eat them. its hard work!)

~my photography class. such a great group of people. a room full of laughs and big learning!

~putting out my fears. feeling so supported in doing so!!! (you rock!)

love,
v

the stories we tell ourselves (its time to rewrite them!)

the layers of the onion, peeled back one by one
become thicker and more potent the closer you get to the core.

one of my mentors, phylis, teacher of my chakra courses years ago described healing in this way. she spoke of how most people can't just jump to the core issue that pains their souls. we need to start at the surface and work inwards.

i've been thinking about this lately, as i feel like i'm in a really good place. though i've had one of those weeks where that negative voice in my head is talking way too much, i'm generally feeling really really happy. i feel like i've emerged into that next step of my life, or at least i see the way there.

but i see that next layer ahead of me, and its not nearly as scary as it felt like even months ago.

this last big layer of my healing dealt with self care and boundaries mainly. it took a while to relearn and reformat the way i function in this world and to learn how to function healthier as an empathic person. though its constant relearning, i've set the groundwork to be a healthier me, especially with giving and receiving.

what is ahead of me are two 'stories that i tell myself' that really hold me back. it took a while to realize that these are stories, they are not truths. this is the stuff i save for my journal...and not really things i talk about with friends....but i feel like i want to put this out...that if i speak it aloud i know that it really is time to begin the healing.

so here it is. i have told myself this story. the story is that i am not beautiful and i am not attractive. ouch. i know its a common internal dialouge. as women in this society we are almost given this story to tell ourselves, while we are told everywhere we look what beauty is, in images and expectations we almost become numb to. but this story holds me back. it holds me back from being open to love. it holds me back from relating to men. it holds me back from loving and really accepting myself. it holds me back from really living the life i deserve to live.
there.
i've said it.

when i look in the mirror i do see beauty. i'm not one of those people who thinks everything about me is ugly. i feel comfortable in my own body and have a good relationship to self love. i guess where this self-love stops is that i don't believe that other people (specifically men) see this type of beauty. really, i've fallen hook line and sinker for what society tells men to define as what makes a woman beautiful. believe me, i see that there are men out there who don't believe that hype. i guess i just keep them far enough away to retain that myth that i have accepted.

the other layer i'm dealing with is about food and my relationship to it. i don't even know the words for the story i tell myself in my relationship with food. thats how much work i have to do. but what delicious work it is.

i've known that its coming up to be the time to start actively trying to heal this relationship, especially as i've been reading lots of books these days with food as a common theme. amazing books:

gluten free girl
animal vegetable miracle
crazy sexy cancer
and now
in defense of food

i feel like this is the perfect way to start this healing. i don't want to diet. i am part fat activist and part emotional eater. its an interesting place to be, having worked hard to feel empowered in my body as is, but to also see the way that food and i are not a healthy couple. you wouldn't know it if you watched me eat my dinner tonight, a big bowl of lightly steamed veggies and some lovely protein source. so many assumptions relate fat with being unhealthy. so not true. i feel really blessed to have a community of folks in my life that are fat and healthy. i have goals to improve my body health, but i refuse to make the shape and size of my body the forefront of this changing relationship with food. its about so much more than that.

i don't want a quick fix. so i'm reading peoples stories about their relationship to food, reading information that comes from a place of kindness, not a desire to make money off of societies desire to make us all shrink. i'm talking with friends who have a healthy perspective on their relationship to food, people of all shapes and sizes. i'm reconnecting with the produce isle, trying new things and getting nutrients from their organic source. i'm not letting go of the pleasure of eating food, but redefining the choices i made around food. i'm at the very beginning of listening to what is really up when i decide to treat my body with disrespect (which for me is emotional eating. for others it may be deprivation or an excessive control of food). i feel like i have a lot of work to do here and look forward to what will come from this work.

so there it is. the stories that i'm rewriting.
i'm still not sure i'm going to actualy press 'publish post' but i feel like its time to be vulnerable and say it.
here we go....

Self Portrait Challenge: Blue (week three)

blue
the widest blue skies.
it was the most gorgeous of days today. i headed down towards the water to work on a depth-of field and composition assignment for my photography class. could i have asked for a more perfect day. and today became the day that i fell in love with film and with taking pictures manually. ever since i got my SLR i've been a big fan of puttin' it on the P (the program setting) which sets the exposure for you. i love it and it generally does a brillant job. but once i started working manually today i realized its far less intimidating than i thought. especially on a bright and sunny day like today, i really didn't have to do much altering of the settings i had, as long as i was still in the sun. i could still have some degree of spontaneity, which i would never want to lose touch with. i'm looking forward to more of this learning.

i came across this amazing website recently and so love the videos. i watched one the other day about shooting manually that helped encourage me today! i definitely recommend checking it out if you love taking photos!

over at shutter sisters today there was a wonderful task, a belated valentines celebration of partners (mostly hubbies). i loved seeing all the beautiful partners of all the wonderful ladies that are part of the ever growing shutter sisters community. although i've noticed that my life is quite different than a lot of the ladies who's blogs i read and who are a part of this widespread network of photog-inspired-ladies, it felt really apparent today. i see pictures and read about loving marriages/partnerships and i feel like it has helped me focus my hope and intention about my love-future. that said, i felt compelled to comment and note that not everyone has a hubbie or partner, (and not everyone has kids or is able to have kids). i guess i'm just kinda havin' a poor me day (we're all allowed those once in a while right?) i'm trying to savour this solo stage. i think i do it pretty well. i'm in no rush to get out of it and i do see the amazingness of this stage...but part of me is looking forward to looking back on these days (thats actually a line of a mandy moore song!).

check out more blue self portraits at the Self Portrait Challenge website!

superhero photo challenge: shoot into the sun

i took this picture last fall while sitting in my friend zinnia's back yard making art. i took about 50 pictures, obsessed with the way the sun was chanelling into my camera.

today was a rare sunny vancouver winter day. i'm aching for wide blue sky days. i took my bike out of hibernation and went for a super afternoon ride down random streets, through alleyways, taking it slow and then pushing myself. it felt so nourishing for my soul.

in superhero andrea's post at shutter sisters, she speaks of being told not to shoot into the sun. i've never received that advice...actually the only advice i've received is that which i've requested. also, i'm allergic to people who 'know-it-all' and avoid conversations in which people pile their 'expertise' on me. i'm really grateful that my photography teacher at the college is nothing like that!

here are a few more sun soaked pictures. find others at shutter sisters!

7 steps to (another) lovely solo vday

i had a lovely and amazing solo heart-day on thursday. sure, i have my days when its hard to be on my own. like this one...or this one... but most days i'm quite content being alone. looking back at last years vday, i'm so grateful for the last 365 days. i know i still found it tough to feel consistently happy then. now i do.

so this is how i made this heart-day beautiful.

1. wake up early, look in the mirror and say i love you!

2. take yourself out for the most delicious breakfast at the lovely tea shop in your neigbourhood

3. write yourself a love note in your journal



4. download this woman's beautiful album and swoon over it all day

5. call all your lovelies far far away and leave geeky yet love filled phone messages

6. take yourself out to see the new romantic comedy -Definitely, Maybe-

7. treat yourself with kindness all day.

Self Portrait Challenge: Blue (week two)

The throat chakra ~ represented by the colour blue.

"The Throat Chakra is associated with the color sky blue. This chakra is our will center. The healthfulness of the fifth chakra is in relation to how honestly one expresses himself/herself. Lying violates the body and spirit . We speak our choices with our voices (throats). All choices we make in our lives have consequences on an energetic level. Even choosing not to make a choice such as in repressing our anger (not speaking out) may manifest into laryngitis. We have all experienced that "lump in our throats" when we are at a crossroad of not knowing how to speak the right words in any given situation, perhaps even stuffing our own emotions. A challenge of the throat chakra is to express ourselves in the most truthful manner. Also to receive and assimilate information. Seek only the truth."

My intution speaks in my gut and my throat.

For years, as part of my wiccan studies, I took an amazing course called 'The Tree of Life' in which we spent 3 weeks studying, living, observing, being in each chakra. Over these many months it was so amazing to see what manifested or changed when working in each chakra. Each time we were in the root chakra I had serious pain in my lower back that I couldn't get rid of but would feel better once out of the chakra, lovin' happened in the heart chakra, either i spoke my truth or i didn't when in the throat chakra.

I feel like my whole depression last year involved a whole lot of work in the throat chakra. I had to learn how to say NO. Tough work, but vital. Each time I didn't say NO when i needed to, i would feel that horrid ball in my throat and ill in my gut. It became impossible to ignore.

The throat chakra also makes me think of singing. I miss singing and making music. Photography has generally consumed all of my creative energy. I have no doubt that the songs will return, but I miss them. I also believe that all engagement in creativity is for the greater good for my spirit!

This is an older picture, taken with the 'photo booth' on my mac and then altered by me. I was in Hilton Head at this time, blissed out by living a beautiful, slow, nourishing vacation life. The sun was streaming in through the window and caught by the camera in a way that represents that chakra to me.

Check out more Blue self portraits here.

Love Thursday: Written in the Sand

My sister and her husband were married on a beautiful cliff overlooking the ocean. After the ceremony we hiked down to the beach for a picnic. Once delicious treats and wine were had, I wandered to the waters edge with a guest alison and she drew a big heart in the sand with their names in it as I took pictures of the moment.

Once we packed up and walked along the beach towards the big hike back up the hill, we passed the heart we had made earlier. The waves had erased the bottom of the heart but not their names. So my sister's new hubbie stopped to re-draw the heart. This beautiful impromptu act added such a sweet moment to an already perfect day.

See more Love Thursday pics over at Shutter Sisters.

Self Portrait Challenge: Blue (week one)

This month's theme for the Self-Portrait Challenge is 'Blue'. Upon reading this i immediately thought about my hike up this beautiful big sand cliff during my sisters wedding weekend on the oregon coast. i wanted to pair the picture of me blissed out (and wind blown) with the big blue sky and a picture of why i was feeling that way. so here you are!

I have a lovely SPC story for you today too! I got an email yesterday from a long lost lovely and amazing friend and she said that she had been visiting the SPC site and looking at the pictures posted on the main page. she noticed mine as there were a pile of books in my picture with some authors she liked and then looked at the blurry person dancing in the background, saw the name ladyvivienne and thought 'could it be'? and it was! i'm so excited and thankful that we're back in touch and grateful that the self-portrait challenge was part of our wonderful re-uniting! so thank you SPC!

music for artful bloggers

i have a playlist on my ipod called 'artful blogger' that i put on most mornings when i sit down at my computer with a cup of english breakfast tea, ready to have a daily dose of gorgeous ponderings from beautiful people around the world.

for a while i've been wanting to share this list of some of the most beautiful songs i know. i also want to give something to those lovely people who visit me here and to those bloggers who brighten my day. here is the list...you can check out their websites or find them on itunes. but if you would like i'd be happy to make a cd of this collection and send it to you. just send me your snail mail info to vivienne.mcmaster@gmail.com and i'll pop it in the mail for you (i don't mind send this across the world to you by the way...so don't be shy!)

i've always love making mixed tapes. remember the days of mixed tapes! i still love making them in that format but not everyone has a tape player anymore! these are some of my favourite artists, some of them friends. so, without further ado...

Music for Artful Bloggers Playlist:

breathe in now - george
bright morning star - kristin sweetland
eyes of love - mel watson
beautiful flower - india arie
constant - sarah noni metzner
misty mountain - toshi reagon
cherish - fruit
take the long way - po' girl
glory bound - martin sexton
happiness - the weepies
good morning starshine - serena ryder
mamma mamma - fruit
amazed - kinnie starr
nostalgie amoureuse - zap mama
release - george
you stay here - richard shindell
rain - patty griffin
calling the moon - dar williams
ain't life sweet - po' girl
praise -kinnie starr

p.s. i think you're great.

p.p.s. the above photo is one i took of sam lohs and lyndell montgomery. i think i may have posted it before, but it seems to suit this post!

self-timed self-portraits

i had a sweet day at the beach yesterday, making little altars from shells and wood and taking self-portraits with my camera perched precariously on a rock. i came home to find that the new superhero challenge was self-timer self-portraits. doing these self portraits makes me so giggly...running back and forth between the camera and the chosen spot. i love 'em.

i still haven't posted my mondo beyondo part 2 yet....but its still developing. all week i'll see ideas that are way beyond what i've ever imagined my future would be. for example, i'll see a wall in my favourite restaurant and picture a show of my photos on their wall. its beautiful to have a way to think of these dreams...its helping me to not cut myself down from dreaming big.

Love Thursday: Sarah and Troy

we had walked down criss-cross paths for half an hour to find the place that they had chosen, a lookout over the ocean. troy set up his ipod on which he had recorded a song from the old record player that lived at his cottage in ontario. we guests listened as he and sarah (my sister) walked down the path together to have a moment together before the wedding ceremony. they held each other and then she raised her arms with such radiant joy that made my heart almost burst out of my ribcage. and then walked toward us. ready to be married. this is that moment and it is my offering for this love thursday.

check out more love thursday at shutter sisters

Self Portrait Challenge: Celebration (week four)

for this weeks self portrait challenge i want to celebrate the community at Planet Sark

i felt pulled today to visit the website Planet Sark which is a long time favourite of mine. way back when i first got internet-ized the main two things i came onine for was my email and the planet (actually camp...it wasn't a planet yet!) sark magical message board. it was packed full of inspiring artful people. i didn't post much but read posts almost daily. i felt very at home in that circle of beautiful people. at times there was far too much drama, so i'd take a break...but always return.

a few years ago the message board got really over run by spam. i think they called them trolls...people who would post nasty stuff and cause trouble on web forums. so the message board became only for paid members. i thought about joining but it really wasn't something i could afford. plus i think i needed a break. that was around the time i started blogging. when i started i didn't tell anyone about it, so it was really was like a journal. then a few friends. now its in a very different place. i still write for myself but i seek community in terms of other artful bloggers. i don't know if any of my face-to-face friends come here...perhaps....its not a secret...but i guess i've been seeking kind of what planet sark offered in terms of community.

so today i went back to the planet. and i'm overjoyed to find that the message board/forum is now free again. it felt so good arriving there and posting an introduction as it was one of those reminders of who the woman i am becoming is. the shyness was gone and the confident me present. you always wonder...will anyone respond to my post? will i connect with anyone here? but before that would have been a fear that stopped me from connecting. now just something to ponder....

i can't resist but share some of my favourite authors in the creativity genre. you've probably heard of 'em all..but just in case!

sark (of course)
keri smith
sabrina ward harrison
danny gregory
julia cameron

and here's a few out-takes (a.k.a. me being silly).

a post about something other than photography! (mostly)

i feel like i haven't posted about something other that photography in weeks!
truth is though,
my mind is so consumed with it. like a school-girl crush.

except my school-girl crushes never went anywhere. and this is on the move.

but i just read a post over at the Crazy Sexy Cancer Blog that was is presently consuming my thoughts. i have a big ol' fear of death. one that produces anxiety whenever i think of the concept of not existing. i've felt this way ever since i really understood the concept of death (in its simplest form of course...i obviously don't REALLY understand death or i wouldn't be fearing it so much, eh!)

A few years ago i had a panic attack about death....3 days of constant growing anxiety. The only thing that helped me to eventually calm down was reading about peoples perspectives on death and talking to friends and family about how they have found a sense of peace about it. Kris' post feels like a place I can return to when the anxiety comes up. I would like to find peace with this myself. I barely know how to go about starting that process. In due time I suppose!

I've always liked to blame my fear of death on the large amount of scorpio in my chart. but really its probably more the leo-self not being able to ponder not existing. i think about death (and my fear of it) a lot. in once way it feels like it drives me to live life well, but at the same time...it consumes so much of my thoughts and to live in fear is not the way to really live. the end Kris Carr's post asks:

What helps you? Can you imagine death in a way that will give you peace rather than panic? If you can let go of the fear of death, what would your life look like? Picture it.

i think its time i start picturing a life without this fear.

thoughts on creating beauty

i had a wonderful photoshoot yesterday with a friend and her lovely pup (as you can see, ruby is a gorgeous pitbull). this is the first time i've had the tools to really do the post-processing in the way i want to, as i now have photoshop. i've found some really amazing tools to help the whole p-shop world, such as textures and actions from 'flourish'.

i have mixed feelings about the whole post-processing part of the photography business. i was just checking out all that is offered on flourish and am pretty amazed at all of the options to make your picture look vintage. but here's where my mixed feelings come in. There are actions that make your photo look like a ttv photo (which she describes as a toy camera...which its not), a diana or a holga. This is making me realize that I'm a bit of a purist! I carry around my vintage camera, holga and diana and am stumbling through learning how to make beautiful photos with all of their old or toy camera excentricities!

I guess I am a bit intimidated by the gorgeousness that people can create using these photoshop actions...you can turn any picture into a ttv photo by just adding a frame...but its not really authentic to what you really do make with a vintage camera. they distortion, the dust, the blur and the magic. what i adore most about toy cameras is that it feels like they bring the most advanced photographer and the beginner to the same playing field. We all look through its plastic lense and have the same possibilities of beauty. I guess with these vintage actions i feel like it splits the playing field again...that anyone can make anything into a ttv photoshop without having the experience of looking down a handmade paper contraption into an old dusty camera, looking for magic. And i suppose that it doesn't feel like these fancy photoshop pictures should be called ttv (maybe she made that descriptive mistake on purpose!). I guess in a way i feel like they should have a disclaimer on them stating they are 'digitally enhanced' kind of like how organic fruit and gmo fruit should be differently labelled (dangerous comparison perhaps but i am feeling fiesty about this at the moment!)

that said, this purist is being faced with learning photoshop and trying to figure out my place in the post production world of photography. how 'photoshopped' do i want my pictures to look? how can i produce images that are enhanced without feeling like a sell-out? i'm starting to sort this out, to find out what feels right.

Love Thursday

Its Love Thursday over at Shutter Sisters. Although I've got all sorts of pictures of flowers shaped as hearts, graffiti hearts and hearts found in the most peculiar of places...i felt like posting this picture of my dear friends who are madly in love.

I often have these lines from an Indigo Girls song Mystery in my head. So I will share 'em with you today (in hopes that i can have another song dominate my constantly singing brain)!

What is love then is it dictated or chosen
does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years or is it just pop emotion
and if it ever was here and it left does it mean it was never true
and to exist it must elude is that why i think these things of you?

Self Portrait Challenge: Celebration (week three)

for this weeks Self-Portrait Challenge i'm feeling inspired to celebrate some beautiful learning that i've come across lately. how to turn intimidation into inspiration.

somehow i have succeeded in stopping negative chatter concerning my photography.
i have kicked the self doubt out of that part of my life.
i didn't do it on purpose, but i'm sure glad it has gone this way.

that is not to say i don't have moments (and lots of them) when i feel like i suck, or can't do it right.
but i've started to experience them as humbling moments...as reminders of how much i have to learn and how much i want to spend the rest of my life consumed in my love for this medium of art.
for example, i recently took in a few rolls of holga and diana film. i was so excited for what beautiful things would be on that disc when i picked it up from the photo shop. i uploaded one roll and all but one picture were either blurry or black. that said, that one picture made my heart swoon as it was a double exposure of apples in my yard and the ocean...a wee bit of photo magic surrounded by stone cold reality. that roll symbolized to me the beautiful balance i want to retain in this work. i want to believe in the magic and beauty that can be created and the confidence that it brings to my sense of self. At the same time, I want to be continually humbled by this work...to find that perfect place between a big ego and self doubt.

I’ve also started embracing feeling intimidated. Yes! And even inviting more of it into my life. I want to set my expectations high for myself. I’ve spent too many years with low expectations of what I can do and be. Enough. Feeling intimidated by someone’s beautiful photography skills only makes me strive to want to work hard to get there some day. It happens fairly often in fact, and I’ve been reminding myself that its barely been a year since I started this whole journey and that I have it in me to do such amazing things too someday.

One of the ways I’ve been inviting this into my life is through flickr. I spend more time on flickr than I do facebook (and if you are on f-book, you know how consuming it can be!). I’ve decided to stop being shy and am adding every photographer that I feel inspired by, so I can see their new work as they post it and it gives me a daily dose of beautiful inspiration. And as I’ve done this, I’m noticing how much I learn from looking at other peoples work. This has helped me formulate where it is that I want to go with this work, what styles appeal to me, what post processing techniques I want to learn and has given me so much inspiration for photoshoots and themed projects.

I’ve started to view these photographers as mentors. They represent where I want to go. I’m so thankful that they share their photographic experiences with the blogging world.

Here’s some of those people who’s work I find great inspiration in!

Sabrina Ward Harrison
Leonie Allen
Susannah Conway - Unravelling
Boho Photography
Photosmith Photography
Sam Lamb Photography
a girl in love
Alicia Bock Photography
and the awesome new website shutter sisters

these pictures were a deliciously ridiculous part of my day...putting my camera on the self-timer and trying to jump at that perfect time to express my joy! of course, that often doesn't work! so here you go...some out takes that show both my geeky-ness and my joy! you've gotta be able to laugh at yourself right?!

Ain't Life Sweet

Last night was my first photography class at the college in town. I’m beyond excited about this next step in this daily adventure that has turned into way more than I ever expected. Its got me dreaming bigger than ever before.

The class was exactly what my high expectations were looking for. The teacher is funny, knowledgeable and most importantly obviously deeply passionate about photography. I know that a teacher can make or break an educational experience, so I was so relieved to walk into the class and see some hip dude in jeans smiling from the front of the room.

My fellow classmates were also exactly what I was hoping for. Just about everyone in the room had a funky edge to them. The girl in the back corner with with the tattoos, the guy in the black hoodie with the punk patch on the back who was obviously all about photographing bands, the girl with the knitted fingerless gloves who seemed to know a lot and who I bet has amazing ideas, a couple of normal looking dudes who seemed really inspired, and of course…what is a class without a know it all….we have one of those too. I was surprised to see how I didn’t play out my usual role of lessening my light, shrinking down, staying quiet. Classroom settings are quite tough for me and often triggering, but this felt different. I think the fact that this class is not the classic academia, but is creatively based, makes all the difference. They don’t want you to regurgitate the same bullshit (can you sense some academic hostility here!) but want you to understand the information and show that in the work you do. I’m so excited!

The course is 'Intro to Photography' (with film cameras). I had planned to take the intro to digital photography course, but waited to long and it was full! I think it’s a lovely twist of fate, as I really want to be prolific in both film and digital…and this way I don’t have to wait till next semester to get into the darkroom. I can only imagine how my love for this art form will grow once I get in the darkroom!

This college has a 2 year part time Photography Certification, which is my 'master plan'. The courses look amazing and they are all night courses, so highly compatible with the rest of my life. So often in the past I would talk about what my newest idea for what to do with my life was (counsellor, ASL interpreter, nurse, teacher, etc) but i couldn't take a step forward with these ideas, as none of them really sang to my spirit. There is singing going on now. Although a few sentences ago i called this my 'master plan' it doesn't really feel like a plan.

It feels like what is and what will be. This is it.

i have a line from a song in my head right now by Penny Lang

"ain't life sweet when we know what we're doing
ain't life sweet when we're not afraid to care'

Top 7 of 07 at ladyvivienne

'beautiful things' now available at my etsy shop

Rachelle of Magpie Girl has invited those of us who are part of the 'small is beautiful' tribe to share our top seven posts of the last year. it was beautiful reflection to read my last year of blogging and chose which posts i'd like to re-share. So here it is....

what i believe in

art is healing

step up and show up more

surrounded and supported

life goals

project vest reclamation

warmth

Self Portrait Challenge: Celebration (week one)

i feel like i have a lot to celebrate these days. i haven't felt that in a long time. its not that joyful amazing things weren't happening, its more that i felt disconnected from my own place of joy.

i am amazed at the transition that is taking place. i usually don't hold much attachment to the 'start of the new year' as it feels like such a man-made idea, whereas the seasonal passages of time, like solstice, feels so much more authentic. that said, new years really felt like a changing-point for me. between pondering new years resolutions, reflecting on all that happened in the past year and writing my mondo beyondo list, i already have a sense of how this year (and i) am different in 2008.

last year was a year of hibernation. i moved into this lovely home, where i feel safe and supported. i woke up each day and asked myself what i needed from this day. it was a beautifully self-centered year, in the best way one can use the term self-centered. i had a lot of guilt around taking so much time for myself. but i knew i had to do it. although i wasn't social very often, i feel blessed to have some long time friends (near and far) and have made some really amazing friends. beautiful strong people, all of them.

so in this week's self portrait challenge i felt compelled to celebrate friendships. i want to celebrate the people who were there for me when i could only really try to be there for myself, for those people who saw possibility in me when i didn't have much to offer, for those who have always been there and always will be there and for those i have yet to meet.

the above pic is from new years eve and is me and my dear friend the great zinnia heartland. she's a jewel.

other things i want to celebrate:

mel watson's brilliant new album 'seed'
the deliciousness of roasted veggies
drinking coffee as a joy rather than an addiction
flower printed rubber boots
the humbling and beautiful experience of photographing with a holga camera
rosie thomas' amazing voice
feeling joy and having hope

mondo beyondo part one

one of the first blogs i started to read regularly was andrea's superhero journal and she has this tradition called a mondo beyondo list. part one of this list is these three questions:

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?

I learned what self-care really means, how to live with healthy boundaries, how to be more alive and how to not be lonely alone and how to heal through creativity. I am so proud of this learning. But I am glad that I have can now step past it into an even more well-lived life.

I am so proud of myself for discovering my passion for photography, for grabbing onto it full force and letting it take me on a beautiful blessing of a journey that is nowhere near over. I am proud of getting over my fears and then dreaming big. I can barely wait to see where it takes me this year!

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?

I grieve for the girl that I was in the beginning of the year and welcome the healthier me I have become.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

2007 was an amazing and beautiful year of re-discovering myself. I am thankful for all the solitude and for learning to say No. But now it is time for learning how to say YES again without what I learned in this year. Blessed Be 2007.

2008 is the year of beautiful awakenings.
2008 is the year of being open to life's potential.
2008 is the year of love.

christmas views

a beautiful visit home to my family and friends back east has me returned to the west coast with a full heart.
in fact i feel changed. i needed to be back there to transition into this new stage i'm jumping into whole-heartedly.
my new years resolution is to

Say YES to life more, without losing the ability to say NO.

I'm so excited for what this year can be. Will be. For all its potential and all that I can't even imagine it will be. This past year took turns that are so delightful and i could not have predicted. I needed to learn how to say no and create new boundaries. What a gift that was. A tough one but so worth it. And now its time to step out of my hibernation. Last year was about exploring my connection to self, but now I am yearning to connect with others more. Its time.

So here are a few more views of my holiday, including one of the wild turkey's that visited each morning at my grammy's house. There are dozen's of them actually, but most of them stay at the other side of the pond. I do love the taste of turkey, yes i do, but i must confess that it was much more gratifying to watch them than eat them this year!