Saturday, May 31, 2008

fallen petals and unplanned paths

i've got 3 half-written blog posts awaiting their emergence onto this page, but this whirlwind of a week has had its own plan.

~i've been working on my new website, which seems to take priority over things like email and facebook and yes, blogging.  i'm excited to share it, but it is definitely still in development mode.  

~i've been in a small funk...i think brought on by the wonderfulness of making a website and coming to that next level of commitment to photography.  i find often when i'm at a threshold i somehow allow a crack (or cavern) of self-doubt to open up before i take that beautiful next step. self-doubt is a mighty powerful force and i'm still discovering what superpowers need to be developed to send it flying.  but i'm walking forward through this funk-ness and can't wait to actually revel in the excitement of where my life is going!

~i haven't really been taking photoshoots for the last couple weeks and i feel it!  its like when a musician leaves their guitar sitting in the corner.  so i've been carrying my little point and shoot around more, taking pictures of every little thing.  its important to come back to the core of why it is i fell in love with taking pictures...the observation of the small things, the pausing to gaze deeper, the feeling of never knowing what beauty you might find....i think i need to bring that little camera with me more often.  and for that matter, my guitar needs some lovin' too!

~i'm off to a fancy-girl picnic today.  i haven't been too social lately so it'll be so good to have a whole bunch of femmes in one place, all dressed in their saturday-afternoon-best! 

i hope your day is beautiful.

Monday, May 19, 2008

reaching out

i've been working hard this week to get myself out of that place of loneliness.  i see how much i do create my reality and that if i'm not happy, its my responsibility to change it.  some efforts to make this change include:

~calling those gem-of-a-human-being friends in toronto that i adore (one by one).  its not nearly as hard to pick up the phone as i convince myself it is.

~printing out portraits of beloved friends here and afar and adding them to my inspiration board (also known as my fridge door!)

~inviting a lovely collection of vancouver folks to take part in a sunset and darkness photoshoot (which is a project for my photography class).  taking pictures at dusk and then playing with flash, sparklers, flashlights and moonlight.  i'm pretty excited about this and it seems like my model-friends are too!  its now turning into a snack-potluck-sunset-watching-extravaganza.

doing photoshoots with friends has been such a great way of getting to know people in this city.  its of widespread agreement that it tends to be hard to get to know people in this city.  oh so true.  i find that doing these photo shoots allows a trust to develop and a comfort between people.  i've asked them to show their vulnerability and their beauty and i've shown it back to them through their own visual beauty.  such a gift.

other things adding joy to my week:

~seeing wonderful blogger miss meg's wedding invitation beautiful!

~ordering this print from the incredible goddess leonie's etsy site

~trying to decide on one of the gorgeous bludomain much beauty, i'm having a really hard time deciding!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

i welcome its unfolding

On this beautiful summer day my heart is thawing even more.

I am remembering the side of the road, the gas station, the black ice.

I am remembering the sadness filling up the car as she filled up the tank

the state of shock having full hold on my mind.

She (my sister) had been widowed only a few days and she said to me

“The only person you can really count on being there for you in this lifetime is yourself”.

She, being the closest person to me didn’t mean that we weren’t going to be there for each other.  My life at that moment was all about being there for her.

But the reality is that as long as we are alive, we’d better be our own best friends, as that is the only person that we can truly know for sure will be there our whole lives. 

I’ve held that statement as a truth ever since. 

These days I’m feeling challenged in negotiating leaving a place of existence where I lived that statement (in the best possible ways).  I’ve learned in the last few years to put myself first, to listen to my gut and most importantly to learn to be my own best friend and find joy in my own company.  But I’ve come to the point where it is becoming clear that it isn’t enough.  It is enough to survive but not to thrive.  I’m at the transition point between this past and a future that grasps on to the connectedness of the universe, the energetics that don’t separate the me from the you.  I have filled up the well of love in my heart as much as I can do alone.  Now I need to open up to the giving and receiving of love that connects us all.

The friends I let closest to my heart live geographically far away. 

Others I hold at arms length.

I ache to have a sense of family in my every day existence. 

its not that there is not love in my life.  i observe it and soak it in daily.  but to let it deep into my heart, that is the tough part. i'm a pretty positive and optimistic person generally...but this is what lies beneath.  we are all tender souls, aren't we.

I’m at a threshold.  I can’t do it all alone anymore.  I can’t live for a statement made in a point of the clarity we find in crisis.  I need to welcome back the naievity that lives in the daily existence when we forget that one day it will all end. 

I need to welcome back love into my life.

To not be on guard all the time, telling myself stories that re-instate walls.

I want to melt the loneliness

To discover what love exists in my present connections

To nurture the ones that have always been there for me.

I don’t abandon that statement, that the only person you can truly know will be there for you in this lifetime is yourself.  Its so true.  But I think the period needs to leave and be replaced by a comma, continuing to say that you need a circle of love around you to, to help you rise to that strength within yourself.

That is my new truth. 

I welcome its unfolding.

Monday, May 05, 2008

finding love in my life

i remember the first time i fell in love.  i was 19 and it was love at first sight.  

in that first year i so recall us coming to points every so often where it felt like we were moving to a new level.  or perhaps it was like taking layers off of an onion, getting closer to the center. i still have a sensory memory of how that felt.  how i knew that we could always go back to the playful unawareness of the 'level' before, but it was never quite going to be the same because we were going to a more aware and more fulfilling place.

coming home from my photography class tonight i felt a familiarity to that time.  this intermediate class is going to challenge me, make me more knowledgeable, bring me to a more intimate place with this art form.  i felt my heart swell, truly falling even deeper in love with seeing the world through the viewfinder.

it was a jam packed 3 hours of learning and i can barely wait to dig in deeper and progress.  in the last month since my last class ended i felt the lull...felt kind of stagnant.  i've always been way more of a self-taught person and have never had the best relationship with being schooled so it feels lovely to be soaking up schooling in a new way.

the life force has returned!

its been important lately to notice and welcome love into my life.  since that show last week it when it felt like 'loneliness' had been spoken aloud i've felt a bit less lonely.  i've also decided to be wide open to where life might take me next (especially geographically).  and since then, since realizing i likely won't be in this city long term, since becoming open to a greater happiness in my life, i've been feeling much more present in the love that is here and now.  

other things making my days feel hope-full and love-ly:

-waking up from a love-filled dream this morning. every so often i fall in love in dreamland and get to feel that love transition the space between dreamlife and waking.  i had to hold off on my beloved morning tea just to offer more space for that love to exist.  though i'm starting to think it is going to be one of those lucky days that i can keep connected to that space until i go to bed again.  do you have those dreams that you just can't shake all day (in a good way)?

-visiting selftaughtgirl's lovely blog and reading a comment she made about my photographs!  how wonderful is that to find out someone you admire thinks you do rad work! thanks kate!

-working on a collaborative art project with my lovely friend zinnia.  we're mapping out our plan and its going to be fabulous.  likely i will share lots more about that here, especially some of the writing prompts we are doing to get inspired.  

-the preview for the movie 'the visitor'.  i woke up today to a slightly grey day which makes it the perfect day for a movie!

-the fact that it is bike season again.  me and the divine purple bike of gloriousness have been going on daily rides and as much of a mode of transportation as i can.  my body is much appreciative.

-the fact that my term project for this class involves lots of photo work based around difficult lighting...part of which is taking pics and dawn and dusk.  being back on planet night shift, i am often walking home at sunrise and i've been craving to get out more to take pictures at dusk.  super excited for this project!  apparently i'm going to need to take my tripod and camera everywhere i go!  

wishing you love in your week.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Love Thursday: the right to love

Still soaking up thoughts of all the loveliness I experienced at a fundraiser last night.  I tend to keep a part of myself away from this blog....and for that matter from a certain portion of my life.

I guess don't want any assumptions made when I talk about being queer, because for me queer is a really wide open word and my love in this world is wide open too.  

But today, my love for my community is overflowing:

I wish you could have been there.  To hear local super talented author Michael V. Smith.  I wish I could share his words with you but I wouldn't dare misquote them.  Plus, you'd need to hear them come from his mouth, standing there on stage in a wedding dress, speaking of loneliness and shame and courage.  I wish I could show you how when he finished my eyes were welled up with tears and feeling like he had spoken to a very tender part of my heart.  I looked aroun to seem my community of femmes sitting around me with their teary eyes, clutching their hearts too, and i felt less alone in this tough city.

I wish I could show you how a  courageous a performer got up on stage and spoke about the two sides of themselves.  They struggled mid performance, losing their place.  I wish you could have felt the support in that silence.  It was so tangible and so full of love.

I wish you could have heard how loud we shouted when three performers slowly removed binds from their bodies, signifying letting go of shame.  On the binds were written things like freak, faggot, slut.  I wish you could feel how empowering it was to watch this.  I wonder what is written on the binds I have wrapped around my body.  What about yours?

I love the beautiful sacred space that is created in a room of people who all want to be respected on their journey to live and love authentically.

I love that spoken on stage was thoughts on loneliness, shame, yearning to belong, the different sides of our selves.  

I love how much courage I witnessed.  Standing on stage baring your truth.  Phenomenal.

I love how diversity is celebrated.  I love how I see a fabulous woman on stage being sexy and fabulous and realize that she has a very similar body to me.  I feel mirrored and empowered.

I love how for one night being cool seemed to have been checked at the door.  Folks felt so kind and welcoming and present.  so refreshing!

I love how proud I feel about this part of my life.  I think about how it has molded so many good parts of my life.  Seeing beauty in diversity, accepting myself and others, challenging gender norms and loving the masculine and the feminine in people.  

I love how at home I felt.  I've been looking for that in this city for a while.  Even if it was just for one night, it healed me a bit.  

I love my community.  I will always be queer.  Even when surrounded by my future babies and the man I love (if that is what the future holds for me) I will be queer.  Because being queer isn't only about who you are attracted to.  

To me it is about finding your freedom and authenticity.
To me it is about finding your resilience and courage.
It is about remembering who fought for their lives just for the right to love.