Sunday, June 29, 2008

oh love.

oh sweet love.
i was at the most bea-uuu-ti-fullll wedding this weekend.  complete perfection.
its two days later and i'm still swooning over it (and the pictures of it of course).

it was the wedding of my friend F and her sweetie L.  i didn't know quite what to expect of the wedding, being a relatively queer one.  i say relatively as one of the quotes of the day was "they are not two husbands and they are not two wives".  it you looked at the wedding from the outside you'd see a man and a woman at the altar but i think its more honouring of each of their own gender identities to say they are two people in love.

i think what blew me away was how much love there was in that space. there was no seperation of straight and queer, because we were all there because we loved and admired the people getting married.  there was no seperation between family and friends because we all felt like each of those in that setting.  most importantly, there was no drunk uncle (you know, the kind that is usual at most weddings) making homophobic jokes. it felt like a sacred space.

it made me think of all the places in the world where queer couples can't be together in public, let alone get married.  it made me think of all people who feel like they can't tell their families about who they love.  it made me grateful for my family.  it made me grateful to have the right to live safely and openly as someone who doesn't define their love in gendered terms.  

i wish L & F a lifetime of the love that existed in that beautiful day and all that brought them to that point. they have a beautiful love. i have an unyeilding and somewhat utopian belief in the power of love. its days like these that keep that belief strong.  

Friday, June 20, 2008

ebb and flow

i'm a grumpy girl this week.  feeling much like i did when i wrote this post last november.

feeling like i could use a good cry, but am always kind of halfway there

mostly i just made a number of small mistakes in not expressing my needs this week that kind of came together in a big ouch-fest.  re-learning all the time how to keep healthy boundaries.

one of the biggest lessons this week was about asking for what i need.  i asked my parents and brother to check out my new website and give me feedback and constructive criticism. just as i requested, they gave me some feedback about what wasn't jiving, all things that i had also had been trying to figure out if i should change.  but as soon as i got the feedback i realized i had made a mistake.  what i actually should have asked for was some positive feedback and what i really wanted to hear from them is 'we are so proud of you'.  but i didn't ask for that, and i got exactly what i did ask for.  i need to be clearer with my heart.

so i'm feeling tender, trying to re-negotiate expressing what i need to people.  its tough work. when i went through my depression i really didn't ask for help much.  but now that i'm out of that state i so see how important, and okay it is to ask for help.  

~i need support from my family
~i need friends to meet me halfway at least (i mean energetically, but also geographically...i live on the opposite end of town from most of my friends here and every so often i really need folks to take the lovely bus ride out here to visit me, rather than me always meeting them on their turf).  
~i need to take more time in the coming week to just be alone
~i need to prioritize my creative ventures....they make me feel so alive.

its all ebb and flow, ain't it.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

*happy list*

~although its essentially a rather mellow collection of songs, two albums by Chris Pureka have made me incredibly happy over the last two weeks.  surely i've listened to each of the albums a hundred times.  if you see me with my ipod lately, you can be 99% sure its Chris serenading me.  its her lyrics, her voice and her songs as whole entities.  totally smitten.

~this post called 'investing in ourselves'by andrea scher came at the perfect time for me.  i've been working on my website but had been really procrastonating with it.  but after reading her post, i had a surge of beautiful motivation and its almost done my site.  i'm excited to share it with you.

~baby smiles.  my little pal accompanying this post is so full of smiles lately.  he, his momma and i spend a lovely day together and filled my heart up with dozens and dozens of smiles.  my other little pals (who's pics have accompanied other posts) are also smiling cheek to cheek.  oh the beauty of babies!

~folk fest is a month and 3 days away.  and the line up this year is phenomenal.  my three favourite days of the year!

~the vintage polaroid that i'm a day away from winning on ebay.  i'm crossing my fingers that it will become mine! i've been so inspired by polaroid lately....i can't wait to play!

~the photo trade.  its so incredible to have a beautiful photo come into your mailbox each month and to know that yours may just be bringing the same joy to someone else.

wishing you loveliness,

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

wide open heart

"my heart won't stay entirely in its rib caging".             ~the weepies

sometimes when the moon is in leo (or life is just real good) i feel like i'm in love
i just want to take shallow breaths and soak in that feeling
for someone who has been single for a long time now, its so refreshing when that feeling returns

its a beautiful reminder that love isn't given to us by one person and is always there.

but this time that feeling has stayed for days now (and i don't actually know if the moon is in leo right now)
i'm revelling in feeling so in love with life
and the potential of love

i swear there isn't a sweetie creating this feeling in me
just feeling wide open to love

i'm just revelling in it while its here.  

last night i had a lovely dream which had two of my past loves in it.  so good to see each of them (as they each live very far away). though neither of those relationships were entirely successful long term, with each of them there was a unique love that was so true, pure and somewhat cosmic. i can get so easily caught up in feeling lonely, or thinking the struggles i had in past relationships.  but really, so much has changed since i've been on my own.  i don't expect to offer the same things in a relationship that i did 5 years ago.  
i'm a much healthier me now.  it felt wonderful to revisit these two people (even if only in dreamlife) and be reminded of the true-ness of the love that existed there once upon a time.

a few weeks ago on andrea's superhero blog she asked 'what would you like more of in your life' and i said responded saying that i would like to receive more love in my life (and not just in the usual ways).  

and the universe listens doesn't it!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

inspirations and learnings

funk gone.
bye bye.

funk removal techniques:

~play with makeup and get dressed, both on rainy days when staying in as well as fancy dinners with a collection of lovely people.  i'm finally realizing that makeup and heels are about helping me feel beautiful not just beautifying me in a way that is expected of women (i've always been resistent to anything 'expected' of women).  but yes, at age 30 i am finally learning how to wear makeup and getting crushes on boys.  late bloomer, yes indeed!

~getting the most phenomenal package in the mail.  its by far the best package to ever come into my mailbox (and i've received some serious mailbox goodness before!).  for real....its hand painted canvas envelope sewed shut!  it, and its sender, my amazingly talented artist friend caroline, are deserving of their own 'ode to caroline' post which is in the works, so ya'll will have to wait another day to find out what waa inside!  thank you are soooooo wonderful and i'm so glad we're back in each others lives!

~reading about jen lemen's journey in Rwanda and being so inspired by what her kind heart is spreading in this world.  i so admire her and her journey.  please check it out and i recommend starting back here and reading up to the present to experience it as it developed.  it's so good to be able to donate to help Odette's family and community in Rwanda and to hear tales of strength, survival and radiance.  

~house cleaning.  messy house = messy me.  though i'm not quite done, even a bit of organizing and cleaning while blaring beautiful music helps me tremendously.

~going to the gym.  its been ages, but i need to remember how happy i am once i'm there...its the getting there thats hard!  its such a rainy week here (surprise, surprise) and bike riding is just not an option so i've headed back to the local community centre to get my spirits up through sweating!  i tend to forget how much working out keeps my moods balanced.

~doing two amazing and humbling photoshoots.  the first was with the most lovely and amazing twins that i am so smitten with.  they were such good lil' models and i learned a few tricks about photographing babies.  i put a black blanket over their vibrating baby chair and it had a fabulous effect, almost making it look like a studio shoot.  the vibration did wonders for keeping the babies happy!  also, i learned that shooting right after a feed and before they get sleepy again was the most prime time!

~the second shoot of the week was with my friend (and photographic muse) z.  we're working on an art project together and part of one piece is to have pictures of our backs (sans clothing).
z's has a full back tattoo so it was fabulous taking pics of her.  then it was my turn. i had serious moments of self-doubt, but i felt so comfortable with her behind the camera and settled right into it.   after we finished the backs i asked if she would help me take some backlit pictures for an assignment for my photography class.  what was a simple task turned into some of the most gorgeous pictures we've done yet (a sample of it as seen above!).  it felt amazing to realize that i can get studio style shots in people's living rooms!  

~mondo beyondo dreaming. thinking about trips far away, beautiful expensive camera lenses, living in new places, acquaintances i'd love to have become friends, and big dreams for my future.

~i've also been thinking a lot about this new piece by the ever fabulous leonie.  it sings to my heart so much and i've had that saying in my head all week.  i have another piece by her coming in the mail right now, and i know it would only be the beginning of my collection of her work...this ones next for sure.  she's a wonderous gift to the world!

much love,