Wednesday, February 20, 2008

the stories we tell ourselves (its time to rewrite them!)

the layers of the onion, peeled back one by one
become thicker and more potent the closer you get to the core.

one of my mentors, phylis, teacher of my chakra courses years ago described healing in this way. she spoke of how most people can't just jump to the core issue that pains their souls. we need to start at the surface and work inwards.

i've been thinking about this lately, as i feel like i'm in a really good place. though i've had one of those weeks where that negative voice in my head is talking way too much, i'm generally feeling really really happy. i feel like i've emerged into that next step of my life, or at least i see the way there.

but i see that next layer ahead of me, and its not nearly as scary as it felt like even months ago.

this last big layer of my healing dealt with self care and boundaries mainly. it took a while to relearn and reformat the way i function in this world and to learn how to function healthier as an empathic person. though its constant relearning, i've set the groundwork to be a healthier me, especially with giving and receiving.

what is ahead of me are two 'stories that i tell myself' that really hold me back. it took a while to realize that these are stories, they are not truths. this is the stuff i save for my journal...and not really things i talk about with friends....but i feel like i want to put this out...that if i speak it aloud i know that it really is time to begin the healing.

so here it is. i have told myself this story. the story is that i am not beautiful and i am not attractive. ouch. i know its a common internal dialouge. as women in this society we are almost given this story to tell ourselves, while we are told everywhere we look what beauty is, in images and expectations we almost become numb to. but this story holds me back. it holds me back from being open to love. it holds me back from relating to men. it holds me back from loving and really accepting myself. it holds me back from really living the life i deserve to live.
i've said it.

when i look in the mirror i do see beauty. i'm not one of those people who thinks everything about me is ugly. i feel comfortable in my own body and have a good relationship to self love. i guess where this self-love stops is that i don't believe that other people (specifically men) see this type of beauty. really, i've fallen hook line and sinker for what society tells men to define as what makes a woman beautiful. believe me, i see that there are men out there who don't believe that hype. i guess i just keep them far enough away to retain that myth that i have accepted.

the other layer i'm dealing with is about food and my relationship to it. i don't even know the words for the story i tell myself in my relationship with food. thats how much work i have to do. but what delicious work it is.

i've known that its coming up to be the time to start actively trying to heal this relationship, especially as i've been reading lots of books these days with food as a common theme. amazing books:

gluten free girl
animal vegetable miracle
crazy sexy cancer
and now
in defense of food

i feel like this is the perfect way to start this healing. i don't want to diet. i am part fat activist and part emotional eater. its an interesting place to be, having worked hard to feel empowered in my body as is, but to also see the way that food and i are not a healthy couple. you wouldn't know it if you watched me eat my dinner tonight, a big bowl of lightly steamed veggies and some lovely protein source. so many assumptions relate fat with being unhealthy. so not true. i feel really blessed to have a community of folks in my life that are fat and healthy. i have goals to improve my body health, but i refuse to make the shape and size of my body the forefront of this changing relationship with food. its about so much more than that.

i don't want a quick fix. so i'm reading peoples stories about their relationship to food, reading information that comes from a place of kindness, not a desire to make money off of societies desire to make us all shrink. i'm talking with friends who have a healthy perspective on their relationship to food, people of all shapes and sizes. i'm reconnecting with the produce isle, trying new things and getting nutrients from their organic source. i'm not letting go of the pleasure of eating food, but redefining the choices i made around food. i'm at the very beginning of listening to what is really up when i decide to treat my body with disrespect (which for me is emotional eating. for others it may be deprivation or an excessive control of food). i feel like i have a lot of work to do here and look forward to what will come from this work.

so there it is. the stories that i'm rewriting.
i'm still not sure i'm going to actualy press 'publish post' but i feel like its time to be vulnerable and say it.
here we go....


daisies said...

honey, i am sitting here listening to the beautiful cd you sent me and reading your words with tears in my eyes.

in every picture i have seen you in, you have looked radiantly beautiful. you are so beautiful! and i know if i saw you in person, i would say the same thing :)

food and my relationship with it is a truth i have been rewriting since last summer and i have also happily thrown out the old clothes of the before me because why would i want to move backwards when i love where i am at and if that means some excess that comes with aging then so be it. like you i am more concerned with finding the healthy connection with the food i eat, the food i grow, the food i prepare. i have always had an unhealthy relationship with food, bouncing between emotional eating and cutting food out of my life, sugar binging and carrot stick nibbling. excess and control. i am still learning and i am here walking this new path with you.

glad you took a breathe and posted this so i could read it with tears in my eyes as i listen to the beauty you sent me.

much love beautiful you,

BatCaveNC said...

I have found that love happens often when you least expect it and from directions you haven't considered or outright rejected. Be open and aware - of your SELF, which IS beautiful, and award some of the kindness and acceptance you seem to give to others, to yourself.

megg said...

You are not alone. I sat reading your post nodding like crazy. I have the same stories in my book.

I understood everything you just said completely. I am so so so proud of you for putting it out there and saying what you needed to say. There can be so much more healing when you are honest.

I'm on the path, too. You are not alone.