Wednesday, September 26, 2007

step up and show up more

years ago, when i was in my peer counselling course at the esquimalt neighbourhood house, one of the leaders called me on 'not showing up in my life'. she hit it on the nose. i wasn't. i was there, but not giving much of myself. i was going about my days without really engaging in my life. looking back i can see that i had done that for a long time.

its been a year since i've been out of my depression. i remember last september feeling the cloud depart from over my head, but being left not really knowing who i was anymore. i was sorting through that all fall but once the new year hit i was full force emerging with my new sense of self. I feel like i have been 'showing up' in my life. in my creative life. not so much in my friendships with others, but big time in terms of my friendship with myself.

lately i've been feeling called to step up and show up more. in a number of ways in my life. in my worklife (as a postpartum doula) I have a few new and exciting projects happening. really big ones actually, that will benefit and transform my working self. but to make them successful i have to embody more confidence.
i'm supposed to be an expert.
i've never been big on experts.
experts tend to isolate others from being involved in the subject.
luckily this isn't academia.
and i feel like i can become the kind of 'expert' i wish from others.
the share the knowledge kinda expert.
but i've gotta step up and show up more.

i have been overwhelmed in the last few months by the support of others for my photographic endeavours. i've had more positive encouragement that i could have imagined. when i used to perform i would get similar support. simply put, people believing in me. but with music, i kind of left it behind...not really believing in myself enough to push ahead with it.

It feels different with photography. I don't have fear there. It feels so a part of who i am now. Its the way i see the world. I feel called to follow it. but once again, the 'step up and show up more' thing. I'm already getting requests for photo shoots. I feel like I need to clear the premesis of any reminants of self doubt and just go for it all.

i don't ever want to take being believed in for granted.
with music i feel like i did that in a way.
thank the goddess for second chances.

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