connection/disconnection/reconnection

my heart feels so full today.

i spent the day yesterday with my lovely friend who is 9. I've known her since she was 2. Actually I've known about her since she was in the womb. We played monopoly for hours, went on a dog walk armed with cameras, laughed loudly at a movie and read books out loud. I had no concept of time all day and felt like that goofy vivienne that is a big part of my authentic self but often gets silenced by being an adult.

once her mom and stepdad came home we had the most delicious down home food and great company. today I am so filled up with gratitude for their friendships.

also, on sunday when i was hanging out with the lovely ladies making art, z spoke to me about her experience watching me emerge from my depression. about how each visit i seem more and more inspired about the world. i felt so witnessed by her words and her presence in my life. our friendship began when i had little to give, and she didn't ask much, but together along with the lovely j have made some beautiful art and growing connections. the art and the company is heart-healing.

i talk/write about the depression/spiritualcrisis i went through last year, i guess because i am so soon out of it and still interpreting it. i remember feeling so disconnected from friends. in their company i felt present and i had great love for them. but i don't know if it was protection or just disconnection, but i couldn't feel that feeling....you know....connection. I see clearly now that I had to disconnect from just about everyone in my life to really deal with myself. and i think that was healthy, not self destructive (in my case).

i had to break all my ties, because in them were nearly undestructable threads of things I that I couldn't offer in friendships anymore.

i often pine for my friends in toronto. when i was depressed i would think of them a lot. all i could handle at the time were friends that lived far away and asked nothing of me. i had nothing to give to anyone but myself. have you ever felt this?
it was almost a mantra sometimes, to keep going. "i may feel more alone than i ever imagined possible. but hilary, lucas, alison, eliza and ashton love me". i knew i had a way bigger support system than that, but they were some of the closest to me, yet physically far away. very safe.

and now i'm not so scared any more. i still love my toronto crew madly and fiercely and still want to move there often. vancouver doesn't yet have my heart. but i'm finally starting to feel connection to this place. and to the people in it.

there is something about today that feels different. like up until now i've been trying hard to feel that connection, but today it has seated itself back in my soul. i knew that all the loneliness would be worth it. that someday it would lead back to this.
i'm so glad for both these tears of being with, and the tears of being without.
they would not be without one another.

i had to push a lot of people away to finally hear what I had to say.
i wrote i'm sorry in that last sentence but had to erase it. because belittling myself is something of my past.
i'm not sorry i had to push so many people away.
but i am so grateful for their patience, their love and their openness to our friendships changing.

so today i am soaking up the feeling of friendship.
yet going off on an adventure to keep connected with myself.
and am going to work hard to keep these two elements of connection in balance.
i don't want to lose either of those feelings.
ever again.