on holidays

i'm in toronto, anxiously awaiting my friends to wake up so we can continue the connecting, chatting and silliness. the two friends i'm staying with make me laugh more than anyone else in the world. tonight all of my toronto friends will gathered and i will likely feel like the luckiest girl ever surrounded by such unique, beautiful and quality human beings.

on sunday i will head up to owen sound to go to a folk fest with my mom (one i grew up going to, the first time being when i was a month old...yes...once upon a time i was that infant being welcomed into the world by music and being carried around by my hippy parents).

and then off to my mom's cottage in a lovely town called Southampton on the shore of Georgian Bay. I'll be there for most of two weeks along with the rest of the family. its been a while since we've all been together. i can barely wait for the sandy dunes, the beach swings, the cold water and the sunsets. i'll post pics if i can, but likely it will be a quiet two weeks with little internet and phone access. i could use that kind of quiet!

happy august and i hope the view from wherever you are is beautiful.

may your love light be so bright

what you dream in the morning, may you dream at night
may your love light be so bright it diminish the darkness
that comes without warning and in no particular way
and threatens to blow you away

i wish i could tell you all the pain's in your head
that it all would be better if you'd just do what they said
but if the voice that is talking is never your own
then who's going to tell you that you've finally come home

~ferron

this week has been....dare i say....magical.
i've seen so many beautiful live performances that has my heart swelling and the songs in me asking for attentiveness. the exchange of energy between performer and audience (especially in the small intimate venues i go to) is so beautiful. kind smiles, so much laughter, unabashed appreciation, singing along, tapping toes, rocking out.

and serenading me through these days is this song, which is titled with one of my favourite words ever. resilience.

YES

i've been pondering the word YES lately.
i know, a fairly simple three letter word we say dozens of times a day.
but you see...

for the last few years i've been working on connecting with the word NO.
my boundaries in life were dreadful and i've been working on building those walls where necessary and trusting my intuition when things are asked of me beyond my expected energetic output! during these years, the amount of energy i needed to keep for myself far outweighed what i had to give to others. it almost felt like i had 2 decades of excessive social output to recover from. but now i trust myself to make better choices and boundaries about what i have to give in this world. the part of me that is a 'giver' is finding different ways to give.

when i was first connecting with NO it was a very physical, tangible experience. if i didn't say it when my gut said to, I would get nauseous and my throat would feel constricted. this would happen multiple times a day. and it wouldn't go away till i dealt with what i needed to speak more truthfully about. i'm much better at saying NO now. it took serious practice to get it right, but now it comes easy.

but the need to say NO hasn't felt quite as important, now that it isn't such a difficult word to say to people. now that i'm not afraid of what their reaction to it will be. and putting up these boundaries has created a bit of a solitary protective existence for me, which served me quite well for a while. yet lately i've been wondering how to step out of these boundaries and take more risks again, trust that i won't fall into the arms of danger and will stay standing on my own two feet.

and so YES is re-entering my life.

when i think of YES, i can't help but recall this love story. it makes me cry every time i read it. i think of all the things that have manifested in these last few years and how much i want them to thrive once i truly let them out into the world. i think of how much of a romantic i am and that YES..i do want to meet and marry someone i can call MY LOVE. i think of all that i had dreamed that my life would be and how much more vibrant and beautiful it is turning out to be (even in my struggles).

so every day i am noticing how YES feels.

its not a ball of tension in my throat. rather it is singing with all i've got.
its not nausea. but its butterflies and blushing red cheeks as i welcome passion back into my life (or at least the prospect of it).
its engaged communication, generous smiles, kindness and being truthful.
and its that little dance i can't help but do (kind of a run on the spot pump my arms to the sky geeky kind of dance)

i'm not settling for contentment. i've got a heart that is slowly re-opening and a new way of being in this world.
though i will likely not tattoo it on my hand, i can already feel how much its thawing me.

its safe to let go again.
and its time.

so i say YES again to life.

folk fest revisited

thoughts on 31

31.
i confess it feels slightly different than 30. turning 30 was such a treat. it was a big sigh of relief after finally making it through the tumultuous 20's. and now i feel like i'm actually entering this decade of my life, not just celebrating on the cusp.
i'm happy to grow older (literally....i've always trusted i'd grow more and more into my self as i aged and feel less lost).

i look at this list from last year and realize i only did about 10 of the 30 things, but at the same time am amazed at how much beauty/growth/learning i packed into one year! making such a list is such a good jumping-off-point.

this year actually brought far more than i expected:
~feeling healthier and happier as the weeks went by
~continuing to develop my love for photography
~dreaming big and following through
~gaining so much confidence in taking pictures
~creating deeper connections with a few lovely friends
~going to school (part-time for photography) and loving it far more than i imagined (its the school part i sometimes struggle with)

goals for 31:
~keep listening to my intuition and taking care of myself
~embrace the travels and adventures this year holds (lots of time spent in california! and hopefully portland too)
~start to plan and manifest a trip overseas
~let spontaneity and passion back into my life and heart
~be open to love and connection
~open up more in friendships

and so it begins....

post-folk-fest-bliss

i'm riding the wave of post-folk-fest-bliss
with occasional moments of realization that i have to wait another year for those 3 days of bliss

days where everyone checks egos and insecurities at the festival gate
where its so easy to be present with the plucking of guitars and
people singing with everything they've got
and for those 3 days i truly feel at home.

one thing thats keeping me from the post-fest-blues is a new album
by ferron which is produced and accompanied by bitch. ferron is truly one of the most phenomenal songwriters ever (in my very picky opinion)! one of the goals of bitch (really...thats the name she goes by) making this album is to bring ferron's music to a younger generation and this album exceeded my expectations in that way. its true ferron with a little extra sass!

spending 3 days with beautiful friends
doing the 2 things i love the most (experiencing beautiful music and taking beautiful pictures)
has just filled me with some serious full-heartedness.
and to top it all off, i'm 1 sleep away from one of my toronto lovelies coming to visit
and 2 sleeps from turning 31!!!!

8 songs that get me through...

Inspired by the fabulous Magpie Girl I've compiled a list of 8 songs that
get me through the rough patches
help me breathe deeper
give me perspective
cry
not take it all so seriously
rise up and change
fill up the sore spots

8 songs that keep me going:

breathe in now ~ by george

sun again ~ by kinnie starr

you stay here ~ richard shindell

pick yer nose ~ ani difranco

mamma mamma ~ fruit

sing sing ~ serena ryder

rise again ~ stan rogers

what do you hear in these sounds ~ dar williams


you can go see them here

a love letter to an old friend

dear vivienne (age 19)

i think of you a lot sweet girl.

you stand at the edge of what will be the most tumultuous decade of your life
and i'm barely stopping myself from bombarding you with all the things that i did wrong
that i wish i could change for you. but i can't.

you are also standing at the threshold of opening your heart in a way you've only dreamed of.
and trust me, it will be as cosmic and powerful as you had hoped for.
i won't tell you the specifics of the ending, and i wish i could whisper a few secrets into your ear to get you through
your first heartbreak a little more in tact. i so wish i could do that.

throughout the next decade you might think of your future self in me
and wonder how it that we will ever get past the anger and hurt.
the truth is, at the end of my 30th year i've forgiven almost all of it.
from each of those relationships that saddened and angered me,
i've come to remember in my heart why it was i was there in the first place
and let the power of that memory bring me to a place of forgiveness.

also knowing i will never let anyone treat my heart with manipulation or disrespect
helps me to walk forward. it was a collection of failures that i hope will lead me
to a future of success in the matters of the heart.

if only i was so forgiving of myself as i was them.
as what stands out now that the anger is gone is you.
i have so much regret for not protecting you.
for decisions that negated your beautiful naivity.
for choices that allowed your vulnerability to be taken advantage of.
for not standing up for you and not standing stronger in how your body should be treated.
you are so precious and beautiful and i did you wrong.
i feel like i failed you.

that is where i stand these days...trying to forgive myself and start again.

i can just imagine the me of ten years later looking back at this
seeing how much i yearned for love at 30 and didn't just trust it would come
seeing how precious and vulnerable and beautiful i was not only at 19 but at 30
and how there is always a moment that is perfect to start again.

so, sweet love, i'm sorry.
i know i'll do better for you.
and its time to move on to being a woman
and let the wounded girl go.

but i don't want to remember you as wounded.
i want to remember you standing tall with a heart shining pink like a rose quartz.
i want to think of you in your courageous moments, in the risks you took to love.
i want to think of you and your brightly coloured journals and big dreams.
for the last decade i missed you.
now i feel you here again in my authentic core.

i love you.

heart,
vivienne (age 31 in 17 days)

replacing the sore spots

if i could go back i would do it all differently
replacing the sore spots with generosity and dignity
i would be kinder, more forgiving and more humble.

~kinnie star...from the song 'water in me'

art-in-motion

i've been loving videos lately.
craving to make moving art.
feeling really inspired by such a vast diversity...

video a la sabrina:

i love sabrina's new 'true living' project and it sure does sing to my heart. seeing her work has got me so eager to turn my lil' camera onto video mode and start documenting the beauty of life as art.

joy nash is my new hero. i devoured every video she has up there. i think i need to watch these regularly cause they (and she, the way she exists so empowered in her body) bring me back to that place of loving myself as i am right now.


oh, the weepies. i really really love the 'making of hideaway' video the weepies made. and what surprised me was that even days later i was still thinking about one aspect of the video...seeing peoples creative spaces...where they make their music. mostly they weren't fancy and often in their homes. it brings home the notion that we need to make our art here, now. you don't need a fancy studio to make magic. you just need to do it. start. now! that got me moving things around in my home, making my art space more inviting and useful!


and this video reminds me that one's dreams sure-as-heaven-and-earth can come true. thats a dear pal of mine singing with cyndi lauper on the true colours tour. picture you and the person you admire most in your craft creating/performing/working together. dream big lovelies. here's the proof it can happen:

oh love.

oh sweet love.

i was at the most bea-uuu-ti-fullll wedding this weekend.  complete perfection.

its two days later and i'm still swooning over it (and the pictures of it of course).

it was the wedding of my friend F and her sweetie L.  i didn't know quite what to expect of the wedding, being a relatively queer one.  i say relatively as one of the quotes of the day was "they are not two husbands and they are not two wives".  it you looked at the wedding from the outside you'd see a man and a woman at the altar but i think its more honouring of each of their own gender identities to say they are two people in love.

i think what blew me away was how much love there was in that space. there was no seperation of straight and queer, because we were all there because we loved and admired the people getting married.  there was no seperation between family and friends because we all felt like each of those in that setting.  most importantly, there was no drunk uncle (you know, the kind that is usual at most weddings) making homophobic jokes. it felt like a sacred space.

it made me think of all the places in the world where queer couples can't be together in public, let alone get married.  it made me think of all people who feel like they can't tell their families about who they love.  it made me grateful for my family.  it made me grateful to have the right to live safely and openly as someone who doesn't define their love in gendered terms.  

i wish L & F a lifetime of the love that existed in that beautiful day and all that brought them to that point. they have a beautiful love. i have an unyeilding and somewhat utopian belief in the power of love. its days like these that keep that belief strong.  

ebb and flow

i'm a grumpy girl this week.  feeling much like i did when i wrote this post last november.

feeling like i could use a good cry, but am always kind of halfway there

mostly i just made a number of small mistakes in not expressing my needs this week that kind of came together in a big ouch-fest.  re-learning all the time how to keep healthy boundaries.

one of the biggest lessons this week was about asking for what i need.  i asked my parents and brother to check out my new website and give me feedback and constructive criticism. just as i requested, they gave me some feedback about what wasn't jiving, all things that i had also had been trying to figure out if i should change.  but as soon as i got the feedback i realized i had made a mistake.  what i actually should have asked for was some positive feedback and what i really wanted to hear from them is 'we are so proud of you'.  but i didn't ask for that, and i got exactly what i did ask for.  i need to be clearer with my heart.

so i'm feeling tender, trying to re-negotiate expressing what i need to people.  its tough work. when i went through my depression i really didn't ask for help much.  but now that i'm out of that state i so see how important, and okay it is to ask for help.  

~i need support from my family

~i need friends to meet me halfway at least (i mean energetically, but also geographically...i live on the opposite end of town from most of my friends here and every so often i really need folks to take the lovely bus ride out here to visit me, rather than me always meeting them on their turf).  

~i need to take more time in the coming week to just be alone

~i need to prioritize my creative ventures....they make me feel so alive.

its all ebb and flow, ain't it.

*happy list*

~although its essentially a rather mellow collection of songs, two albums by Chris Pureka have made me incredibly happy over the last two weeks.  surely i've listened to each of the albums a hundred times.  if you see me with my ipod lately, you can be 99% sure its Chris serenading me.  its her lyrics, her voice and her songs as whole entities.  totally smitten.

~this post called 'investing in ourselves'by andrea scher came at the perfect time for me.  i've been working on my website but had been really procrastonating with it.  but after reading her post, i had a surge of beautiful motivation and its almost done my site.  i'm excited to share it with you.

~baby smiles.  my little pal accompanying this post is so full of smiles lately.  he, his momma and i spend a lovely day together and filled my heart up with dozens and dozens of smiles.  my other little pals (who's pics have accompanied other posts) are also smiling cheek to cheek.  oh the beauty of babies!

~folk fest is a month and 3 days away.  and the line up this year is phenomenal.  my three favourite days of the year!

~the vintage polaroid that i'm a day away from winning on ebay.  i'm crossing my fingers that it will become mine! i've been so inspired by polaroid lately....i can't wait to play!

~the photo trade.  its so incredible to have a beautiful photo come into your mailbox each month and to know that yours may just be bringing the same joy to someone else.

wishing you loveliness,

v

wide open heart

"my heart won't stay entirely in its rib caging".             ~the weepies

sometimes when the moon is in leo (or life is just real good) i feel like i'm in love

i just want to take shallow breaths and soak in that feeling

for someone who has been single for a long time now, its so refreshing when that feeling returns

its a beautiful reminder that love isn't given to us by one person and is always there.

but this time that feeling has stayed for days now (and i don't actually know if the moon is in leo right now)

i'm revelling in feeling so in love with life

and the potential of love

i swear there isn't a sweetie creating this feeling in me

just feeling wide open to love

i'm just revelling in it while its here.  

last night i had a lovely dream which had two of my past loves in it.  so good to see each of them (as they each live very far away). though neither of those relationships were entirely successful long term, with each of them there was a unique love that was so true, pure and somewhat cosmic. i can get so easily caught up in feeling lonely, or thinking the struggles i had in past relationships.  but really, so much has changed since i've been on my own.  i don't expect to offer the same things in a relationship that i did 5 years ago.  

i'm a much healthier me now.  it felt wonderful to revisit these two people (even if only in dreamlife) and be reminded of the true-ness of the love that existed there once upon a time.

a few weeks ago on andrea's superhero blog she asked 'what would you like more of in your life' and i said responded saying that i would like to receive more love in my life (and not just in the usual ways).  

and the universe listens doesn't it!

inspirations and learnings

funk gone.

farewell.

bye bye.

funk removal techniques:

~play with makeup and get dressed, both on rainy days when staying in as well as fancy dinners with a collection of lovely people.  i'm finally realizing that makeup and heels are about helping me feel beautiful not just beautifying me in a way that is expected of women (i've always been resistent to anything 'expected' of women).  but yes, at age 30 i am finally learning how to wear makeup and getting crushes on boys.  late bloomer, yes indeed!

~getting the most phenomenal package in the mail.  its by far the best package to ever come into my mailbox (and i've received some serious mailbox goodness before!).  for real....its hand painted canvas envelope sewed shut!  it, and its sender, my amazingly talented artist friend caroline, are deserving of their own 'ode to caroline' post which is in the works, so ya'll will have to wait another day to find out what waa inside!  thank you caroline...you are soooooo wonderful and i'm so glad we're back in each others lives!

~reading about jen lemen's journey in Rwanda and being so inspired by what her kind heart is spreading in this world.  i so admire her and her journey.  please check it out and i recommend starting back here and reading up to the present to experience it as it developed.  it's so good to be able to donate to help Odette's family and community in Rwanda and to hear tales of strength, survival and radiance.  

~house cleaning.  messy house = messy me.  though i'm not quite done, even a bit of organizing and cleaning while blaring beautiful music helps me tremendously.

~going to the gym.  its been ages, but i need to remember how happy i am once i'm there...its the getting there thats hard!  its such a rainy week here (surprise, surprise) and bike riding is just not an option so i've headed back to the local community centre to get my spirits up through sweating!  i tend to forget how much working out keeps my moods balanced.

~doing two amazing and humbling photoshoots.  the first was with the most lovely and amazing twins that i am so smitten with.  they were such good lil' models and i learned a few tricks about photographing babies.  i put a black blanket over their vibrating baby chair and it had a fabulous effect, almost making it look like a studio shoot.  the vibration did wonders for keeping the babies happy!  also, i learned that shooting right after a feed and before they get sleepy again was the most prime time!

~the second shoot of the week was with my friend (and photographic muse) z.  we're working on an art project together and part of one piece is to have pictures of our backs (sans clothing).

z's has a full back tattoo so it was fabulous taking pics of her.  then it was my turn. i had serious moments of self-doubt, but i felt so comfortable with her behind the camera and settled right into it.   after we finished the backs i asked if she would help me take some backlit pictures for an assignment for my photography class.  what was a simple task turned into some of the most gorgeous pictures we've done yet (a sample of it as seen above!).  it felt amazing to realize that i can get studio style shots in people's living rooms!  

~mondo beyondo dreaming. thinking about trips far away, beautiful expensive camera lenses, living in new places, acquaintances i'd love to have become friends, and big dreams for my future.

~i've also been thinking a lot about this new piece by the ever fabulous leonie.  it sings to my heart so much and i've had that saying in my head all week.  i have another piece by her coming in the mail right now, and i know it would only be the beginning of my collection of her work...this ones next for sure.  she's a wonderous gift to the world!

much love,

v

fallen petals and unplanned paths

i've got 3 half-written blog posts awaiting their emergence onto this page, but this whirlwind of a week has had its own plan.

~i've been working on my new website, which seems to take priority over things like email and facebook and yes, blogging.  i'm excited to share it, but it is definitely still in development mode.  

~i've been in a small funk...i think brought on by the wonderfulness of making a website and coming to that next level of commitment to photography.  i find often when i'm at a threshold i somehow allow a crack (or cavern) of self-doubt to open up before i take that beautiful next step. self-doubt is a mighty powerful force and i'm still discovering what superpowers need to be developed to send it flying.  but i'm walking forward through this funk-ness and can't wait to actually revel in the excitement of where my life is going!

~i haven't really been taking pics...no photoshoots for the last couple weeks and i feel it!  its like when a musician leaves their guitar sitting in the corner.  so i've been carrying my little point and shoot around more, taking pictures of every little thing.  its important to come back to the core of why it is i fell in love with taking pictures...the observation of the small things, the pausing to gaze deeper, the feeling of never knowing what beauty you might find....i think i need to bring that little camera with me more often.  and for that matter, my guitar needs some lovin' too!

~i'm off to a fancy-girl picnic today.  i haven't been too social lately so it'll be so good to have a whole bunch of femmes in one place, all dressed in their saturday-afternoon-best! 

i hope your day is beautiful.

reaching out

i've been working hard this week to get myself out of that place of loneliness.  i see how much i do create my reality and that if i'm not happy, its my responsibility to change it.  some efforts to make this change include:

~calling those gem-of-a-human-being friends in toronto that i adore (one by one).  its not nearly as hard to pick up the phone as i convince myself it is.

~printing out portraits of beloved friends here and afar and adding them to my inspiration board (also known as my fridge door!)

~inviting a lovely collection of vancouver folks to take part in a sunset and darkness photoshoot (which is a project for my photography class).  taking pictures at dusk and then playing with flash, sparklers, flashlights and moonlight.  i'm pretty excited about this and it seems like my model-friends are too!  its now turning into a snack-potluck-sunset-watching-extravaganza.

doing photoshoots with friends has been such a great way of getting to know people in this city.  its of widespread agreement that it tends to be hard to get to know people in this city.  oh so true.  i find that doing these photo shoots allows a trust to develop and a comfort between people.  i've asked them to show their vulnerability and their beauty and i've shown it back to them through their own visual beauty.  such a gift.

other things adding joy to my week:

~seeing wonderful blogger miss meg's wedding invitation post...so beautiful!

~ordering this print from the incredible goddess leonie's etsy site

~trying to decide on one of the gorgeous bludomain websites....so much beauty, i'm having a really hard time deciding!

i welcome its unfolding

On this beautiful summer day my heart is thawing even more.

I am remembering the side of the road, the gas station, the black ice.

I am remembering the sadness filling up the car as she filled up the tank

the state of shock having full hold on my mind.

She (my sister) had been widowed only a few days and she said to me

“The only person you can really count on being there for you in this lifetime is yourself”.

She, being the closest person to me didn’t mean that we weren’t going to be there for each other.  My life at that moment was all about being there for her.

But the reality is that as long as we are alive, we’d better be our own best friends, as that is the only person that we can truly know for sure will be there our whole lives. 

I’ve held that statement as a truth ever since. 

These days I’m feeling challenged in negotiating leaving a place of existence where I lived that statement (in the best possible ways).  I’ve learned in the last few years to put myself first, to listen to my gut and most importantly to learn to be my own best friend and find joy in my own company.  But I’ve come to the point where it is becoming clear that it isn’t enough.  It is enough to survive but not to thrive.  I’m at the transition point between this past and a future that grasps on to the connectedness of the universe, the energetics that don’t separate the me from the you.  I have filled up the well of love in my heart as much as I can do alone.  Now I need to open up to the giving and receiving of love that connects us all.

The friends I let closest to my heart live geographically far away. 

Others I hold at arms length.

I ache to have a sense of family in my every day existence. 

its not that there is not love in my life.  i observe it and soak it in daily.  but to let it deep into my heart, that is the tough part. i'm a pretty positive and optimistic person generally...but this is what lies beneath.  we are all tender souls, aren't we.

I’m at a threshold.  I can’t do it all alone anymore.  I can’t live for a statement made in a point of the clarity we find in crisis.  I need to welcome back the naievity that lives in the daily existence when we forget that one day it will all end. 

I need to welcome back love into my life.

To not be on guard all the time, telling myself stories that re-instate walls.

I want to melt the loneliness

To discover what love exists in my present connections

To nurture the ones that have always been there for me.

I don’t abandon that statement, that the only person you can truly know will be there for you in this lifetime is yourself.  Its so true.  But I think the period needs to leave and be replaced by a comma, continuing to say that you need a circle of love around you to, to help you rise to that strength within yourself.

That is my new truth. 

I welcome its unfolding.

finding love in my life

i remember the first time i fell in love.  i was 19 and it was love at first sight.  

in that first year i so recall us coming to points every so often where it felt like we were moving to a new level.  or perhaps it was like taking layers off of an onion, getting closer to the center. i still have a sensory memory of how that felt.  how i knew that we could always go back to the playful unawareness of the 'level' before, but it was never quite going to be the same because we were going to a more aware and more fulfilling place.

coming home from my photography class tonight i felt a familiarity to that time.  this intermediate class is going to challenge me, make me more knowledgeable, bring me to a more intimate place with this art form.  i felt my heart swell, truly falling even deeper in love with seeing the world through the viewfinder.

it was a jam packed 3 hours of learning and i can barely wait to dig in deeper and progress.  in the last month since my last class ended i felt the lull...felt kind of stagnant.  i've always been way more of a self-taught person and have never had the best relationship with being schooled so it feels lovely to be soaking up schooling in a new way.

the life force has returned!

its been important lately to notice and welcome love into my life.  since that show last week it when it felt like 'loneliness' had been spoken aloud i've felt a bit less lonely.  i've also decided to be wide open to where life might take me next (especially geographically).  and since then, since realizing i likely won't be in this city long term, since becoming open to a greater happiness in my life, i've been feeling much more present in the love that is here and now.  

other things making my days feel hope-full and love-ly:

-waking up from a love-filled dream this morning. every so often i fall in love in dreamland and get to feel that love transition the space between dreamlife and waking.  i had to hold off on my beloved morning tea just to offer more space for that love to exist.  though i'm starting to think it is going to be one of those lucky days that i can keep connected to that space until i go to bed again.  do you have those dreams that you just can't shake all day (in a good way)?

-visiting selftaughtgirl's lovely blog and reading a comment she made about my photographs!  how wonderful is that to find out someone you admire thinks you do rad work! thanks kate!

-working on a collaborative art project with my lovely friend zinnia.  we're mapping out our plan and its going to be fabulous.  likely i will share lots more about that here, especially some of the writing prompts we are doing to get inspired.  

-the preview for the movie 'the visitor'.  i woke up today to a slightly grey day which makes it the perfect day for a movie!

-the fact that it is bike season again.  me and the divine purple bike of gloriousness have been going on daily rides and as much of a mode of transportation as i can.  my body is much appreciative.

-the fact that my term project for this class involves lots of photo work based around difficult lighting...part of which is taking pics and dawn and dusk.  being back on planet night shift, i am often walking home at sunrise and i've been craving to get out more to take pictures at dusk.  super excited for this project!  apparently i'm going to need to take my tripod and camera everywhere i go!  

wishing you love in your week.

v

Love Thursday: the right to love

Still soaking up thoughts of all the loveliness I experienced at a fundraiser last night.  I tend to keep a part of myself away from this blog....and for that matter from a certain portion of my life.

I guess don't want any assumptions made when I talk about being queer, because for me queer is a really wide open word and my love in this world is wide open too.  

But today, my love for my community is overflowing:

I wish you could have been there.  To hear local super talented author Michael V. Smith.  I wish I could share his words with you but I wouldn't dare misquote them.  Plus, you'd need to hear them come from his mouth, standing there on stage in a wedding dress, speaking of loneliness and shame and courage.  I wish I could show you how when he finished my eyes were welled up with tears and feeling like he had spoken to a very tender part of my heart.  I looked aroun to seem my community of femmes sitting around me with their teary eyes, clutching their hearts too, and i felt less alone in this tough city.

I wish I could show you how a  courageous a performer got up on stage and spoke about the two sides of themselves.  They struggled mid performance, losing their place.  I wish you could have felt the support in that silence.  It was so tangible and so full of love.

I wish you could have heard how loud we shouted when three performers slowly removed binds from their bodies, signifying letting go of shame.  On the binds were written things like freak, faggot, slut.  I wish you could feel how empowering it was to watch this.  I wonder what is written on the binds I have wrapped around my body.  What about yours?

I love the beautiful sacred space that is created in a room of people who all want to be respected on their journey to live and love authentically.

I love that spoken on stage was thoughts on loneliness, shame, yearning to belong, the different sides of our selves.  

I love how much courage I witnessed.  Standing on stage baring your truth.  Phenomenal.

I love how diversity is celebrated.  I love how I see a fabulous woman on stage being sexy and fabulous and realize that she has a very similar body to me.  I feel mirrored and empowered.

I love how for one night being cool seemed to have been checked at the door.  Folks felt so kind and welcoming and present.  so refreshing!

I love how proud I feel about this part of my life.  I think about how it has molded so many good parts of my life.  Seeing beauty in diversity, accepting myself and others, challenging gender norms and loving the masculine and the feminine in people.  

I love how at home I felt.  I've been looking for that in this city for a while.  Even if it was just for one night, it healed me a bit.  

I love my community.  I will always be queer.  Even when surrounded by my future babies and the man I love (if that is what the future holds for me) I will be queer.  Because being queer isn't only about who you are attracted to.  

To me it is about finding your freedom and authenticity.

To me it is about finding your resilience and courage.

It is about remembering who fought for their lives just for the right to love.