Saturday, August 02, 2008
i've been pondering the word YES lately.
i know, a fairly simple three letter word we say dozens of times a day.
but you see...
for the last few years i've been working on connecting with the word NO.
my boundaries in life were dreadful and i've been working on building those walls where necessary and trusting my intuition when things are asked of me beyond my expected energetic output! during these years, the amount of energy i needed to keep for myself far outweighed what i had to give to others. it almost felt like i had 2 decades of excessive social output to recover from. but now i trust myself to make better choices and boundaries about what i have to give in this world. the part of me that is a 'giver' is finding different ways to give.
when i was first connecting with NO it was a very physical, tangible experience. if i didn't say it when my gut said to, I would get nauseous and my throat would feel constricted. this would happen multiple times a day. and it wouldn't go away till i dealt with what i needed to speak more truthfully about. i'm much better at saying NO now. it took serious practice to get it right, but now it comes easy.
but the need to say NO hasn't felt quite as important, now that it isn't such a difficult word to say to people. now that i'm not afraid of what their reaction to it will be. and putting up these boundaries has created a bit of a solitary protective existence for me, which served me quite well for a while. yet lately i've been wondering how to step out of these boundaries and take more risks again, trust that i won't fall into the arms of danger and will stay standing on my own two feet.
and so YES is re-entering my life.
when i think of YES, i can't help but recall this love story. it makes me cry every time i read it. i think of all the things that have manifested in these last few years and how much i want them to thrive once i truly let them out into the world. i think of how much of a romantic i am and that YES..i do want to meet and marry someone i can call MY LOVE. i think of all that i had dreamed that my life would be and how much more vibrant and beautiful it is turning out to be (even in my struggles).
so every day i am noticing how YES feels.
its not a ball of tension in my throat. rather it is singing with all i've got.
its not nausea. but its butterflies and blushing red cheeks as i welcome passion back into my life (or at least the prospect of it).
its engaged communication, generous smiles, kindness and being truthful.
and its that little dance i can't help but do (kind of a run on the spot pump my arms to the sky geeky kind of dance)
i'm not settling for contentment. i've got a heart that is slowly re-opening and a new way of being in this world.
though i will likely not tattoo it on my hand, i can already feel how much its thawing me.
its safe to let go again.
and its time.
so i say YES again to life.