a love letter to an old friend

dear vivienne (age 19)

i think of you a lot sweet girl.

you stand at the edge of what will be the most tumultuous decade of your life
and i'm barely stopping myself from bombarding you with all the things that i did wrong
that i wish i could change for you. but i can't.

you are also standing at the threshold of opening your heart in a way you've only dreamed of.
and trust me, it will be as cosmic and powerful as you had hoped for.
i won't tell you the specifics of the ending, and i wish i could whisper a few secrets into your ear to get you through
your first heartbreak a little more in tact. i so wish i could do that.

throughout the next decade you might think of your future self in me
and wonder how it that we will ever get past the anger and hurt.
the truth is, at the end of my 30th year i've forgiven almost all of it.
from each of those relationships that saddened and angered me,
i've come to remember in my heart why it was i was there in the first place
and let the power of that memory bring me to a place of forgiveness.

also knowing i will never let anyone treat my heart with manipulation or disrespect
helps me to walk forward. it was a collection of failures that i hope will lead me
to a future of success in the matters of the heart.

if only i was so forgiving of myself as i was them.
as what stands out now that the anger is gone is you.
i have so much regret for not protecting you.
for decisions that negated your beautiful naivity.
for choices that allowed your vulnerability to be taken advantage of.
for not standing up for you and not standing stronger in how your body should be treated.
you are so precious and beautiful and i did you wrong.
i feel like i failed you.

that is where i stand these days...trying to forgive myself and start again.

i can just imagine the me of ten years later looking back at this
seeing how much i yearned for love at 30 and didn't just trust it would come
seeing how precious and vulnerable and beautiful i was not only at 19 but at 30
and how there is always a moment that is perfect to start again.

so, sweet love, i'm sorry.
i know i'll do better for you.
and its time to move on to being a woman
and let the wounded girl go.

but i don't want to remember you as wounded.
i want to remember you standing tall with a heart shining pink like a rose quartz.
i want to think of you in your courageous moments, in the risks you took to love.
i want to think of you and your brightly coloured journals and big dreams.
for the last decade i missed you.
now i feel you here again in my authentic core.

i love you.

heart,
vivienne (age 31 in 17 days)