Self Portrait Challenge: food and me (week 4)

it feels like food has been the theme of my life this month (as well as being the theme of the self portrait challenge).

i've been negotiating with myself over my food allergies....trying to sort out what are the culprits and how do i eat anything at all if i can't eat wheat, dairy, sugar and soy (prioritized in that order)! and in the midst of it all, some inner strength inspired me to quit coffee! (my beloved coffee)

though i must let you know that this doesn't feel like its something i'm approaching with drudgery...i'm feeling super inspired about it. i don't eat gluten because my quality of life is so much better without it. i got ahold of the amazing book crazy sexy cancer tips which i knew would give me a nutritional kick in the ass. her book is directed towards cancer survivors but is super inspiring to all of us. also, although i've mentioned it before....gluten free girl is providing a super amazing resourse (lots of recepies on her site) to live joyfully gluten free.

all this brings me to the above pic. i've been working hard at changing the way i view my food. i love food. i mean love love love it. my mom laughs at me (and my brother and dad have been known to do this too) because as soon as one meal is done i'm pondering what the next one may be. but the way i approach cooking my food doesn't reflect this.

food brings me joy.
i want to create my meals with joy and passion.
to eat more consciously and enjoy the moment.

last night i made yam fries and cooked up tempeh, onions, garlic and kale (as seen above).
so delicious and i enjoyed every morcel of 'em.

givin' thanks to food and this challenge.

project vest reclamation

Now that I have a new llbean down vest in my happy hands, its time to end the two year saga i've called 'project vest reclamation'. Those of you who haven't heard the rant about this...I don't think you need to. Instead, I'd like to share the morals of the story.

#1. Don't enter the home of someone you don't know, put on an item of their clothing and leave, never mentioning it again. That is um, stealing?!

#2. Especially don't do the above act soon after said item-owner has been robbed in her home twice in one week (by the same dude both times).

#3. Don't ignore her polite requests for the return of the vest. Especially don't lose the vest! Don't pretend you didn't lose it!

#4. Own up, say your sorry when you steal something! (don't wait till they request it...especially don't wait over 8 months to apologize...it really pisses people off!)

#5. Don't mess with a leo in her saturn return. Seriously.

#6. Don't avoid dealing with it. It will not go away! You will be called monthly, emailed regularly and endlessly until you deal with it (note #5 for the reason why)

#7. Don't be afraid to go to the next step and inform someone that you will be taking them to small claims court if they don't deal with a situation. It works! (in other words, don't be afraid to do something 'unkind' in order to stand up for yourself)

#8. Don't mess with Vivienne. She is working hard at becoming a tough cookie (while retaining a soft heart).

#9. Don't let yourself be stepped on or taken advantage of. Reclaim your inner bitch. Stand up for yourself in little ways and big ones (even when the little one's take 2 years to resolve!)

Um, and thank you to the lovely friends (and my family members) who had to hear me emotionally rant for almost 2 years about 'the vest' which was a situation obviously not actually really about the vest!

This ended up to be a pretty important part of my healing from the robbery and reclaiming of my personal power.

But I'm so thankful its over.

words and images of a healing heart

i went out on todays adventures armed with my camera and spilling open by sabrina ward harrison. i didn't realize how much i needed to reread this book until i opened it up. i love how words and images can apply in such different ways at various points in one's life. last week was such a messy week...and reading spilling open so helped put perspective on working through self doubt. reading her words back then, they resonated, but they didn't hit me.

you know...hit you right there. they did that today.

and today they felt like exactly what i needed to hear. to not be ashamed of the rough patches and to work through your struggles in the most authentic way possible.

this week feels like i've taken that one step forward towards this continued healing of my spirit.

making sure i am showing up in my own life.

Self Portrait Challenge: food and me (week 3)

squash.

its pretty much my favourite thing about fall. cook one squash...with a bit of garlic and butter....the perfect meal. i love that i can get little squash that make a perfect one person meal. although i'm not one to use the microwave much, my sister told me that putting a squash in the micro-w for 10 minutes does a seriously good job of cooking it. it so much quicker!

its no surprise (if you look at my last few entries) that i was determined to take todays self portrait challenge using the through the viewfinder method. i very quickly realized that it is seriously difficult to one's face in the picture while holding the digital camera and focusing it...while precariously balanced on the contraption on the vintage camera. so i played around with what was possible! hence...the hand!

here's a few squash out takes (click on it for a closer view)!



on another food note...i've recently come across gluten free girl's site and am in blog heaven. a blog all about what consumes much of my everyday? why didn't i think of that! her post are charming, authentic and full of gluten free inspiration. i can't say i'm particularly inspired as someone who lives gluten free...its just the way it has to be. reading her blog and getting excited about her book...i felt something shift. what i get from gluten-free-girl so far in my exploration of her site is that this 'limitation' doesn't have to limit you...it can open you up to living and eating a more ALIVE life!

happy eating to you.
v

through the viewfinder: part 2

i asked that question those questions earlier so i could discover the answer, but i didn't quite expect the universe to respond so quickly. after writing that post i packed up my camera case and headed out for a walk.

and the magic happened.

i'm hanging all these photos up that i took today and i feel so sure that i need to follow the magic. maybe i don't shine under stress. maybe i need to focus on candids rather than posed shots. or maybe i need to actually do a lot more shoots to find my groove and feel confident in paid gigs.

i've been looking at so many photographers websites and the ones that resonate with me are the ones that really have a sense of their uniqueness.

here's a few of them

alicia block's ttv photos as well as her portraits.

the amazing leonie's sacred photography. she also is an amazing artist...her moto is 'joy is an option' and so lives it. her blog keeps me inspired regularly!

unravelling photos gorgeous images. her love for the holga camera and for experimental photos has me super inspired.

i'm eager to get outta this rut and
shine
shine
shine again.

damn girl. quit all this grumpyness and believe in yourself.
life's too short to not believe in yourself.

through the viewfinder

i've spent this afternoon building a contraption for the duaflex camera that i recieved in the mail this week.
oh deary me i think i'm in love.

i've been rather hard on myself this week as when i have a formal 'photoshoot' the negative chatter in my mind is so rampant, no matter what positive things people say. i don't have that feeling when i am taking pictures of people candidly or on one of my photo adventures.

really, its the same dilemma i face in other parts of my life. i need to give myself love before i can recieve it!

i'm pondering what to do about this, as lots of oppourtunities seem to be coming up.

i could:

~keep on doing requested photoshoots and find the magical way i see the world...even if i feel stressed under pressure

~take the pictures i love to take and try shoots when i feel more confident and ready for it

i'm feeling so inspired by my duaflex camera, my holga, my macro lense and my camera in general. i'm so grateful all this inspiration has come into my life. i'm especially grateful to have the oppourtunity to make further progress in my mission for self-love....even though it feels hard right now.

some days

time for change

i went to the gym today for the first time in ages! there has been a civil worker in vancouver for 3 months. while the outside workers (garbage, recycling...) and the libraries (go librarians!) are still on strike, the inside workers are back to work. this means that the community centres, day cares, and all the offices at city hall are back to work (i hear there was a line at the permit office that started at 4am today).

though i really really support civil workers getting better treatment, i am excited that they are back (as i bet they are too!) i know a lot of this has to do with making sure that they don't get screwed over when the olympics which are happening in vancouver in 2010.

i've been feeling really messy for the last few weeks. rather low energy. feeling low about my body and my self worth. grr. it comes and goes it waves and this wave almost knocked me over. i know that exercise really helps me keep in bright spirits so i'm so glad to be able to have the setting to do that in. i hadn't felt very inspired to run or go for bike rides....so to be feeling pumped to go to the gym is a momentum i'm eager to follow.

cleansing
moving
creating
inner working
connecting
recouperating
resting.

Self Portrait Challenge: food and me (week 2)

i love eating with my fingers. as you can see i'm simply holding my fork, which my kitter elliot is taking interest in!

this is the company i keep while i eat. i live alone, so my cats often sit by my side while i enjoy my dinner. i do miss eating with other people, but with my multitude of allergies, its actually easier to just cook for one!

i had a funny experience this week (well, not so funny at the time, but in retrospect!)

while on a bike ride along the seawall i stopped for lunch at a cafe on granville island. i had a lot on my mind so i was looking forward to some delcious food and time to ponder life.

i first noticed something was awry when the staff, who all looked strangely like paris hilton, walked past me like i was invisible. after working hard to catch their eye, someone came over to me.

'one?' she said 'just for one?'

then she passed me to another lady to be seated.

'just you?'

it was like these ladies had never pondered, let alone gone out for lunch by themselves.

then another came over.

'um, can i....bring you a magazine or something to do?'

i accepted the magazine, but was so shocked at the way these people were acting. i felt a bit sad at first (taking on someone elses opinion...that i should be embarassed to be alone...which i so don't believe!) and then decided that perhaps i should feel sad for them as they haven't discovered the beauty of enjoying your own company!

thank goodness this has only happened one out of the hundreds of times i've gone for a solo-dinner-date.

i eat alone and am proud of it!

thankful for the goodness (and letting go of the rest)

beautiful company was kept last night.
i laughed so hard my cheeks hurt.
hilarious story telling
lovely people i'm glad to now know

and then after the sweets and vino
folks were heading to a dance party.

i challenged myself to go, as i don't go to
that kind of event very often.
plus, i had so much fun at that dance party in portland...
i wanted to give vancouver the benefit of the doubt.

alas, i challenged myself to go.
but not to stay.
i lasted three minutes before being totally overwhelmed.
a dark room with bouncing dancing people
with an energy i just couldn't relate to

on the bus ride home i felt teary.
i don't want to be here in this city that feels so closed
um, yah...did i happen to forget what a lovely night i had before this 3 minutes
at some crowded warehouse in east van?

i want to let go of my expectations of this city.
its not going to be like toronto or portland.
its energy is all different.

and good lordy i'm thankful for all the lovely people
this city holds. and to be able to meet them in settings
that we can
connect
and laugh and get a sense of who people are, not how cool they are.

i'm trying to rediscover what connection means.
i sometimes have trouble relating to other people
because i spend most of my days relating to myself.

though that is way better than having trouble connecting with myself
because i'm too busy relating to other people.

middle ground vivienne, middle ground.

so...my happiest moment of yesterday was sitting in zinnias big chair laughing so hard
that i did that laugh where i stopped making sound! i love that feeling.

i want to hold the excitement of what this city can be, rather than what it is not.
cause what its not isn't likely to change,
but the potential of what it can be
just might surprise me.

music/photos/singing

my happiest moment of the day yesterday was watching my favourite musician live through the viewfinder of my camera while singing. it hit me at that moment that i don't have to give up any of the things i love...all three can exist together! music has definitely gone to the wayside since i fell for photography...and now i feel so inspired on all fronts.

that fabulous performer in the pic above is the great Martin Sexton. i've been a big ol' fan of his music for a long time now and had yet to see him live. oh lordisa he was so damn amazing. its practically a religious experience seeing him live!

He's just put a new album out called Seeds...which is most definitely the most flowing, yet rockin' cd he's put out yet. Yum!

Wild Angels -By Martin Sexton

We are born with all this music in our heart
We tend to forget a little each day right from the start
In a dream I rolled on back the clock and found another way
To remember the words
That we are wild angels
Believing in our childhood dreams
We're just trying to find our way
back to the source of the stream

Self Portrait Challenge: food and me (week 1)

Oh food.
My favourite thing and my biggest frustration. All packed into little morcels of deliciousness.

My relationship with food has been at the forefront of my life. I've been dealing with food allergies for oh so long. I had to laugh when I first read that this months Self Portrait Challenge theme is 'food and me' as I had just decided that for the month of October I was going to stop eating dairy and refined sugar. I don't eat gluten and haven't for a long time now, but its become clear that gluten isn't my only challenge. i think one of the other major culprits in my ever-bloated-belly is dairy. sugar is just wrong (and an addiction). i so yearn for a happy state of digestive health and am ready to leave the staples of most peoples diet behind if thats what it'll take to get me there.
the belly knows best!

so i wanted to start with this pic, which was the most delicious of apples that i got at a farmers market. although it often feels like a struggle to navigate the world of ingredients to figure out what i can eat...good ol' organic fruit is good good goodness...without question!

on being inspired to work in your pajamas

in the last few days i've been feeling a transition to becoming someone who
'works from home'

my job as a postpartum doula is a business that i run myself, but contract to another company, so i don't have much paperwork involved (until it comes to tax time). but there are some growing plans in this work world and i'm finding i have lots of work to do...research, taking new courses and the work that comes with them.

the other part of this has shown up full force without ever knowing i would ever find myself here. it is the work of an artist! i'm super busy finishing up a previous photo shoot and preparing for the next, researching photography courses to take (cause there is so much more i want to know), putting together plans for a show with my art collective, sitting at the table and making art, going on daily photo adventures. these wonderful tasks have been the way my life has transformed itself. out of depression came this beauty and adventure i never could have imagined then.

and this idea of the way i spend my days being potentially beneficial to my future worklife is scarey and wonderful! i've known for a while that i would like to add another type of work to my doula-life and that it would have to be self-employed as well. its almost ironic (to me at least) that i am my own boss, because i've struggled so much in my life with self-sabatoge....so to be faced with doing the opposite is just a lovely turn of fate. though i guess we are always accountable to ourselves though!

so, i'm slowly discovering tricks which seem helpful to get me to sit down and get to work! any suggestions or ideas that work for you are oh so welcome!

-listen to the CBC radio (pretty much the canadian version of NPR). i think i need that sort of auditory action to get me to do other work.

-take time for healthy meals...either at home or go have that delicious greek salad at the cafe nearby. this keeps me from distracting myself with snacking!

-make a pot of tea! its grounding and calming

-pick one day to just clean clean clean the house. it seems like monday works best for that. having a clean space makes for clarity in the mind...so true!

-if at all possible, get up early to work. this seems to be the most productive time of the day for me (though doing night shifts makes this challenging). that said, night shifts are perfect for getting lots of work done!

-find a rhythmn...paperwork/research/reading in the morning and arting/photoworking/creating in the afternoon

what are your tricks for feeling productive at home? (because whether one's work is raising kids, healing your own body, or running a business....is all vital work!)

other work inspirations:

this post by jen lemen on dreaming and working.

a post a while back by jen gray. go down the page a bit to the August 22 entry called 'on starving artistry'

and especially this piece by superhero andrea scher is an amazingly beautiful answer to the question i posed above!

happy home healing/working/mothering or off-to-work-you-go-ing to you!

step up and show up more

years ago, when i was in my peer counselling course at the esquimalt neighbourhood house, one of the leaders called me on 'not showing up in my life'. she hit it on the nose. i wasn't. i was there, but not giving much of myself. i was going about my days without really engaging in my life. looking back i can see that i had done that for a long time.

its been a year since i've been out of my depression. i remember last september feeling the cloud depart from over my head, but being left not really knowing who i was anymore. i was sorting through that all fall but once the new year hit i was full force emerging with my new sense of self. I feel like i have been 'showing up' in my life. in my creative life. not so much in my friendships with others, but big time in terms of my friendship with myself.

lately i've been feeling called to step up and show up more. in a number of ways in my life. in my worklife (as a postpartum doula) I have a few new and exciting projects happening. really big ones actually, that will benefit and transform my working self. but to make them successful i have to embody more confidence.
i'm supposed to be an expert.
i've never been big on experts.
experts tend to isolate others from being involved in the subject.
luckily this isn't academia.
and i feel like i can become the kind of 'expert' i wish from others.
the share the knowledge kinda expert.
but i've gotta step up and show up more.

i have been overwhelmed in the last few months by the support of others for my photographic endeavours. i've had more positive encouragement that i could have imagined. when i used to perform i would get similar support. simply put, people believing in me. but with music, i kind of left it behind...not really believing in myself enough to push ahead with it.

It feels different with photography. I don't have fear there. It feels so a part of who i am now. Its the way i see the world. I feel called to follow it. but once again, the 'step up and show up more' thing. I'm already getting requests for photo shoots. I feel like I need to clear the premesis of any reminants of self doubt and just go for it all.

i don't ever want to take being believed in for granted.
with music i feel like i did that in a way.
thank the goddess for second chances.

Self Portrait Challenge: the bathroom (week 4)

Earlier today I was feeling like I was kinda done with this months spc theme 'the bathroom'. My bathroom is pretty little and somewhat uninspiring. But on my daily adventures I snapped some shots that are my favourite of the whole month.

Here are a few outakes that I can't resist but post!





Check out more Self Portrait Challenges here.

I love taking pic's in public bathrooms. I rarely have the guts to take it outside the stall, but the above black and white were taken in at my favourite movie theatre after seeing a matinee of '2 days in paris' and the b-room was empty so away i clicked!this has been my second month of doing the spc's and i'm full o' gusto for the next month!

its taking a bit to get back in the swing of things after my recent travels. before i left i was in a great daily art making groove and i'm yearning to get that back. i'm also super glad to be back in the swing of things over at the visually lovely citygirl/countrygirl

artfully yours,
v

one wedding and a whole lotta joy

i've have been an absentee blogger. with beautiful reason.

i've been
watching the world from above (out the plane window)
driving to the oregon coast
basking in breathtaking beauty of the ocean
climbing sandstone cliffs
spreading my arms wide to the sky
snapping photos like the paparazzi
hiking to the most beautiful beach
deep breathing
hugging my sister

watching her wed her love

inspired by the potential of love

amidst lots of playful moments

around a very beautiful collection of people.


i will likely be sharing some of the revelations that i had this weekend. it was life changing in very gentle but profound ways.
i heart love and life.

beautiful birth!

I was sent this phenomenal birth by a colleauge.
it is no doubt the most beautiful birth i have ever seen!

Self Portrait Challenge: the bathroom (week 3)

With this last week of travel, there is no doubt that my weekly-sub-theme for this week would have to be public washrooms!
The above is my favourite and by far the most gorgeous bathroom of the week.

I won't stop there though. Here is a tour of vivienne's tour of the bathrooms of the pacific northwest!

on a train speeding its way from seattle to portland


fuel cafe on alberta st in pdx!


barbaties pan downtown p-town!


imo cafe in seattle


and finally back in vancouver! at pacific central station!


and to end of...my favourite bathroom graffitti, found at the train station in vancouver


for more bathroom related self portraits go here!

Blog Love

the train is stopped in olympia, washington for a few minutes and i've found some wireless...yahoo!
i failed to mention in the last post how EXCITED i was to have done a guest post over at Magpie Girl's website. Her website is packed full of inspiration....check out the Habitudes, Creative challenges, Reviews and most definitely the Spiritual Sunday posts (found under Priestessy Things). I check out her website daily and keep coming back because of all the richness Rachelle brings into the world!

another lovely blog related moments that happened this weekend was when at a farmers market a lovely woman named christine came up to me and asked if my bag that says 'dreamer' was a Jen Lemen bag! I love how widespread we are!

i also was super happy to get my hands on the new book from one of my fav bloggers keri smith called the Non-Planner Datebook. It is totally my dream datebook...full of spots for daily observations.



i'm mighty grateful for these three artful bloggers!

coastal love

i love that bikes rule the road here.
i love how comfortable i feel here without even trying.
i love how easy it is for me to find food i can eat here (without gluten).
and i LOVE
the coast.

yesterday we drove up to the coast. i felt completely nauseous the entire way there and back as i am so not used to being in a car on the highway. it felt much like a rollercoaster! but after arriving in the sweetest little town called cannon beach, some most delicious prawns and smoked salmon settled my belly just fine! this town has bunnies running wild everywhere, munching on grass. this one stole my heart:



we concluded it would have a much better life in this town than in a cage at home. we headed out to the coast where troy was going to go out surfin' in his kayak. sarah and i walked the beach and took pictures. i also took two rolls with my new holga (which leaves me breathtaken...i can't wait to develop them!





i'm heading out momentarily to take the train back home. i will be back in only 3 days. i know....you ask...why am i even going back? well, a few commitments (two of whom are named ladybug and elliot and purr loudly). i'll be flying back for the weekend....for an event i must be secretive about for the moment but will be posting many many pictures of when it happens!

so, 8 hours on the train....taking pictures out of the window, journaling, napping....sounds like a lovely day to me.