thankful for the goodness (and letting go of the rest)

beautiful company was kept last night.
i laughed so hard my cheeks hurt.
hilarious story telling
lovely people i'm glad to now know

and then after the sweets and vino
folks were heading to a dance party.

i challenged myself to go, as i don't go to
that kind of event very often.
plus, i had so much fun at that dance party in portland...
i wanted to give vancouver the benefit of the doubt.

alas, i challenged myself to go.
but not to stay.
i lasted three minutes before being totally overwhelmed.
a dark room with bouncing dancing people
with an energy i just couldn't relate to

on the bus ride home i felt teary.
i don't want to be here in this city that feels so closed
um, yah...did i happen to forget what a lovely night i had before this 3 minutes
at some crowded warehouse in east van?

i want to let go of my expectations of this city.
its not going to be like toronto or portland.
its energy is all different.

and good lordy i'm thankful for all the lovely people
this city holds. and to be able to meet them in settings
that we can
connect
and laugh and get a sense of who people are, not how cool they are.

i'm trying to rediscover what connection means.
i sometimes have trouble relating to other people
because i spend most of my days relating to myself.

though that is way better than having trouble connecting with myself
because i'm too busy relating to other people.

middle ground vivienne, middle ground.

so...my happiest moment of yesterday was sitting in zinnias big chair laughing so hard
that i did that laugh where i stopped making sound! i love that feeling.

i want to hold the excitement of what this city can be, rather than what it is not.
cause what its not isn't likely to change,
but the potential of what it can be
just might surprise me.