fallen petals and unplanned paths

i've got 3 half-written blog posts awaiting their emergence onto this page, but this whirlwind of a week has had its own plan.

~i've been working on my new website, which seems to take priority over things like email and facebook and yes, blogging.  i'm excited to share it, but it is definitely still in development mode.  

~i've been in a small funk...i think brought on by the wonderfulness of making a website and coming to that next level of commitment to photography.  i find often when i'm at a threshold i somehow allow a crack (or cavern) of self-doubt to open up before i take that beautiful next step. self-doubt is a mighty powerful force and i'm still discovering what superpowers need to be developed to send it flying.  but i'm walking forward through this funk-ness and can't wait to actually revel in the excitement of where my life is going!

~i haven't really been taking pics...no photoshoots for the last couple weeks and i feel it!  its like when a musician leaves their guitar sitting in the corner.  so i've been carrying my little point and shoot around more, taking pictures of every little thing.  its important to come back to the core of why it is i fell in love with taking pictures...the observation of the small things, the pausing to gaze deeper, the feeling of never knowing what beauty you might find....i think i need to bring that little camera with me more often.  and for that matter, my guitar needs some lovin' too!

~i'm off to a fancy-girl picnic today.  i haven't been too social lately so it'll be so good to have a whole bunch of femmes in one place, all dressed in their saturday-afternoon-best! 

i hope your day is beautiful.

reaching out

i've been working hard this week to get myself out of that place of loneliness.  i see how much i do create my reality and that if i'm not happy, its my responsibility to change it.  some efforts to make this change include:

~calling those gem-of-a-human-being friends in toronto that i adore (one by one).  its not nearly as hard to pick up the phone as i convince myself it is.

~printing out portraits of beloved friends here and afar and adding them to my inspiration board (also known as my fridge door!)

~inviting a lovely collection of vancouver folks to take part in a sunset and darkness photoshoot (which is a project for my photography class).  taking pictures at dusk and then playing with flash, sparklers, flashlights and moonlight.  i'm pretty excited about this and it seems like my model-friends are too!  its now turning into a snack-potluck-sunset-watching-extravaganza.

doing photoshoots with friends has been such a great way of getting to know people in this city.  its of widespread agreement that it tends to be hard to get to know people in this city.  oh so true.  i find that doing these photo shoots allows a trust to develop and a comfort between people.  i've asked them to show their vulnerability and their beauty and i've shown it back to them through their own visual beauty.  such a gift.

other things adding joy to my week:

~seeing wonderful blogger miss meg's wedding invitation post...so beautiful!

~ordering this print from the incredible goddess leonie's etsy site

~trying to decide on one of the gorgeous bludomain websites....so much beauty, i'm having a really hard time deciding!

i welcome its unfolding

On this beautiful summer day my heart is thawing even more.

I am remembering the side of the road, the gas station, the black ice.

I am remembering the sadness filling up the car as she filled up the tank

the state of shock having full hold on my mind.

She (my sister) had been widowed only a few days and she said to me

“The only person you can really count on being there for you in this lifetime is yourself”.

She, being the closest person to me didn’t mean that we weren’t going to be there for each other.  My life at that moment was all about being there for her.

But the reality is that as long as we are alive, we’d better be our own best friends, as that is the only person that we can truly know for sure will be there our whole lives. 

I’ve held that statement as a truth ever since. 

These days I’m feeling challenged in negotiating leaving a place of existence where I lived that statement (in the best possible ways).  I’ve learned in the last few years to put myself first, to listen to my gut and most importantly to learn to be my own best friend and find joy in my own company.  But I’ve come to the point where it is becoming clear that it isn’t enough.  It is enough to survive but not to thrive.  I’m at the transition point between this past and a future that grasps on to the connectedness of the universe, the energetics that don’t separate the me from the you.  I have filled up the well of love in my heart as much as I can do alone.  Now I need to open up to the giving and receiving of love that connects us all.

The friends I let closest to my heart live geographically far away. 

Others I hold at arms length.

I ache to have a sense of family in my every day existence. 

its not that there is not love in my life.  i observe it and soak it in daily.  but to let it deep into my heart, that is the tough part. i'm a pretty positive and optimistic person generally...but this is what lies beneath.  we are all tender souls, aren't we.

I’m at a threshold.  I can’t do it all alone anymore.  I can’t live for a statement made in a point of the clarity we find in crisis.  I need to welcome back the naievity that lives in the daily existence when we forget that one day it will all end. 

I need to welcome back love into my life.

To not be on guard all the time, telling myself stories that re-instate walls.

I want to melt the loneliness

To discover what love exists in my present connections

To nurture the ones that have always been there for me.

I don’t abandon that statement, that the only person you can truly know will be there for you in this lifetime is yourself.  Its so true.  But I think the period needs to leave and be replaced by a comma, continuing to say that you need a circle of love around you to, to help you rise to that strength within yourself.

That is my new truth. 

I welcome its unfolding.

finding love in my life

i remember the first time i fell in love.  i was 19 and it was love at first sight.  

in that first year i so recall us coming to points every so often where it felt like we were moving to a new level.  or perhaps it was like taking layers off of an onion, getting closer to the center. i still have a sensory memory of how that felt.  how i knew that we could always go back to the playful unawareness of the 'level' before, but it was never quite going to be the same because we were going to a more aware and more fulfilling place.

coming home from my photography class tonight i felt a familiarity to that time.  this intermediate class is going to challenge me, make me more knowledgeable, bring me to a more intimate place with this art form.  i felt my heart swell, truly falling even deeper in love with seeing the world through the viewfinder.

it was a jam packed 3 hours of learning and i can barely wait to dig in deeper and progress.  in the last month since my last class ended i felt the lull...felt kind of stagnant.  i've always been way more of a self-taught person and have never had the best relationship with being schooled so it feels lovely to be soaking up schooling in a new way.

the life force has returned!

its been important lately to notice and welcome love into my life.  since that show last week it when it felt like 'loneliness' had been spoken aloud i've felt a bit less lonely.  i've also decided to be wide open to where life might take me next (especially geographically).  and since then, since realizing i likely won't be in this city long term, since becoming open to a greater happiness in my life, i've been feeling much more present in the love that is here and now.  

other things making my days feel hope-full and love-ly:

-waking up from a love-filled dream this morning. every so often i fall in love in dreamland and get to feel that love transition the space between dreamlife and waking.  i had to hold off on my beloved morning tea just to offer more space for that love to exist.  though i'm starting to think it is going to be one of those lucky days that i can keep connected to that space until i go to bed again.  do you have those dreams that you just can't shake all day (in a good way)?

-visiting selftaughtgirl's lovely blog and reading a comment she made about my photographs!  how wonderful is that to find out someone you admire thinks you do rad work! thanks kate!

-working on a collaborative art project with my lovely friend zinnia.  we're mapping out our plan and its going to be fabulous.  likely i will share lots more about that here, especially some of the writing prompts we are doing to get inspired.  

-the preview for the movie 'the visitor'.  i woke up today to a slightly grey day which makes it the perfect day for a movie!

-the fact that it is bike season again.  me and the divine purple bike of gloriousness have been going on daily rides and as much of a mode of transportation as i can.  my body is much appreciative.

-the fact that my term project for this class involves lots of photo work based around difficult lighting...part of which is taking pics and dawn and dusk.  being back on planet night shift, i am often walking home at sunrise and i've been craving to get out more to take pictures at dusk.  super excited for this project!  apparently i'm going to need to take my tripod and camera everywhere i go!  

wishing you love in your week.

v

Love Thursday: the right to love

Still soaking up thoughts of all the loveliness I experienced at a fundraiser last night.  I tend to keep a part of myself away from this blog....and for that matter from a certain portion of my life.

I guess don't want any assumptions made when I talk about being queer, because for me queer is a really wide open word and my love in this world is wide open too.  

But today, my love for my community is overflowing:

I wish you could have been there.  To hear local super talented author Michael V. Smith.  I wish I could share his words with you but I wouldn't dare misquote them.  Plus, you'd need to hear them come from his mouth, standing there on stage in a wedding dress, speaking of loneliness and shame and courage.  I wish I could show you how when he finished my eyes were welled up with tears and feeling like he had spoken to a very tender part of my heart.  I looked aroun to seem my community of femmes sitting around me with their teary eyes, clutching their hearts too, and i felt less alone in this tough city.

I wish I could show you how a  courageous a performer got up on stage and spoke about the two sides of themselves.  They struggled mid performance, losing their place.  I wish you could have felt the support in that silence.  It was so tangible and so full of love.

I wish you could have heard how loud we shouted when three performers slowly removed binds from their bodies, signifying letting go of shame.  On the binds were written things like freak, faggot, slut.  I wish you could feel how empowering it was to watch this.  I wonder what is written on the binds I have wrapped around my body.  What about yours?

I love the beautiful sacred space that is created in a room of people who all want to be respected on their journey to live and love authentically.

I love that spoken on stage was thoughts on loneliness, shame, yearning to belong, the different sides of our selves.  

I love how much courage I witnessed.  Standing on stage baring your truth.  Phenomenal.

I love how diversity is celebrated.  I love how I see a fabulous woman on stage being sexy and fabulous and realize that she has a very similar body to me.  I feel mirrored and empowered.

I love how for one night being cool seemed to have been checked at the door.  Folks felt so kind and welcoming and present.  so refreshing!

I love how proud I feel about this part of my life.  I think about how it has molded so many good parts of my life.  Seeing beauty in diversity, accepting myself and others, challenging gender norms and loving the masculine and the feminine in people.  

I love how at home I felt.  I've been looking for that in this city for a while.  Even if it was just for one night, it healed me a bit.  

I love my community.  I will always be queer.  Even when surrounded by my future babies and the man I love (if that is what the future holds for me) I will be queer.  Because being queer isn't only about who you are attracted to.  

To me it is about finding your freedom and authenticity.

To me it is about finding your resilience and courage.

It is about remembering who fought for their lives just for the right to love.

jump for joy

i had a most lovely impromptu photo shoot yesterday with some sweet friends who were staying with me for one day of their cross country travels.  they are just smitten with each other, which inspired me to inquire if they'd be into a photo walk...and of course they were.  

one of my favourite things to do at a shoot is to get folks to jump or dance around.  they always love the pics (and i do too) and it gets them comfortable.  

here's a few more bits of loveliness!

other bits of loveliness bringing me joy this week:

~the new weepies album full of pure gorgeousness!

~receiving this picture via the photo trade i completely did a dance o' joy when i opened the picture (and feel like a super lucky photo trader!)

~these gorgeous sounds from the swell season (the folks who starred in and made the music of the movie 'Once')

~visiting the gigantic garden near my home and getting lost in blossoms like this and this

~beginning an art collaboration with a lovely friend that i have been making art in the company of for the last year.  i love the natural progression to making collaborative art.  lots of tasks to do this week for that (what wonderful work!)

~working (i'm a postpartum doula) with the most wonderful tiny twin girls (not even at their due date yet).  having them curl up on my shoulder is total bliss and their mom is a gem!

~receiving a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from my friend who's labour i attended!

~consuming the last of my stumptown coffee.  i think i'll be quitting coffee again until my next portland visit...nothing quite compares to stumptown!

discovering my sensibilities

i woke up on the right side of the bed this morning.

i can't explain it much better than that.  its not that i was more alert in my pre-coffee state or that i'd had any more sleep than usual.  its just that it felt like things just fit into place today.  

i'm still working mega hard today finishing off the images from the photoshoot.  this is my first real experience in processing for a client.   i mean, they are all my friends, but this is a paid gig and i'm learning so much about how to manage a workflow and to select specific images for the client.  

as i mentioned in the last post, it started out rough, but i've found myself in the groove of processing photos, listening to what the image needs (if it needs any change at all!).

it reminds me of when my sister and i worked together as gardeners on the golf course years back.  when it was time to plant we'd put all of the plants in place, then step back and view them.  she liked to call it something to the effect of 'meeting our sensibilities'.  i thought it was a bit ridiculous at first, being so anal about whether a salmon coloured flower should be one inch to the left or right, but the truth of the matter was that it did help develop a bit of an artistic sensibility in me.  did it feel right?  what could we change to make it sit well with us?

my 'sensibilities' are put to use in the post-processing.  i'm not making decisions because of some theoretical idea.  i'm not just letting the auto-fix do it for me.  i'm changing the darkness and light and colour saturation or adding texture until i feel that 'YES' come out of me.  thats what makes this part of the process art i suppose.  its a sort of playfulness with the image, listening to what it needs, sometimes challenging it, drawing something out of it that wasn't there before or just letting it be.  sigh.  i love it.  delicious work.

over at shutter sisters today the post is about the 'small is beautiful' manifesto.  i joined in on this crew the moment i read about it, soon after the lovely Magpie Girl and Jen Lemen started it.  i've never been one to watch how many people visit here (not that even know how to check that!) and i do love when comments are left.  i, as i'm sure with many others, simultaneously love and struggle with blogging.  part of me wants to connect with the amazing circle of artful bloggers and another part of me misses just sitting cross legged with my black covered journal, keeping all these thoughts to myself. 

i think a lot about why i blog.  i feel like it tends to be a mirror of how i am in the real world sometimes.  how much am i showing of my authentic self in a post and in real life?  do they match up?  am i hibernating from both reality and the blog world?  am i reaching out to friends and getting involved with the SPC or at Shutter Sisters?  for me they are often similar in paths. 

i much appreciated Sarah-Ji's post at Shutter Sisters about how the idea of 'small is beautiful' also speaks to being a photographer.  it was an idea that i think i needed to hear!  i get way ahead of myself sometimes in picturing my own success (though i think its healthy to do so....as i've never been so confident about anything in my life! quite the opposite in fact.) but then at times I have bouts of the blues and the 'i'm kidding myself' downer moments.  i don't want to make myself feel like where i am right now is anything less than wonderful and being present in that allows me to be present in why i fell in love in love with this medium in the first place...which is because it helps me to feel present and alive!  i want to succeed and grow, but i want to revel in the place where i am right now and be thankful for what I have learned so far. 

for me, small is beautiful means 

standing in who you are right here, right now

living in the moment and letting your authentic self out

being adults in a way, not trying to be the coolest kid in the class, but just being you.

connecting to people, individuals, through these wonderful artistic mediums

finding what it is you have to give to the world.

as i wrote that last paragraph the cd i'm listening serenaded me with these words.

she said look at the stars in the darkness

can't you feel why we're here?

look a the sun on the water

could the truth be any more clear?

she said don't be afraid to be silent

don't be afraid to be big and loud

don't be afraid to walk softly 

don't be afraid to be proud

she said dance with all your being

cry your most passionate tears

hold your life like the treasure it is

and let it go without fear.

we will bear witness to it all.

it felt like a bit of serendipity to hear these words as i write this post.  they are from the song 'Witness to it All' by the Wyrd Sisters.   And they really embody what it is to be a 'small is beautiful' blog and to be our authentic selves living on this gorgeous earth.

i hope your sunday holds much beauty.

leaving the land of anxiety

i've spend most of my non-working waking moments this week bonding with photoshop. the continuous learning that is the world of becoming a photographer really played out in these past few days. one of the things that makes me more sure that i want to spend my living doing this than i've ever been about anything before is that i'm continually challenged and humbled while gaining confidence at the same time.

anxiety was at the forefront of my learning this week. i'd be waking up full of worry. after visiting the land of depression and coming back from it, i've been very committed to removing things and practices in my life that create anxiety. mini step by mini step i've been getting rid of these little things and big things on the master to-do list of my life. i've been known to self-sabatoge and put things in my own way. removing these self-imposed barriers was more than an easy task. and now i've found that i have what i crave, which is a simple yet rich life. thats not to say i don't get anxious at all anymore, but its not a constant state. who wants to live like that?

so when i was waking up each morning this week, stressing about every little thing, i quickly lost track of what goodness i have in my days. i've had a lot of post-production work to do this week after doing a wonderful photoshoot last weekend with a local burlesque troupe. it was gorgeous and lovely and unique and by far the biggest group of people i've ever shot pics of. but the amount of pictures i have of this crew was vast! you see i am a 'clicker' you could say. i don't thoughtfully compose pictures, i just go with my intuition and shoot! i really like it that way...as i get lots of authentic pictures and it really feels like we are both just experiencing the moment. that said, my gigantic memory card and i both get a bit overwhelmed once we get home.

the big learning this week has been around prioritizing. i don't have to give every person i take pics of every shot, only the ones that take my breath away (which there are usually plenty of....i have some gorgeously beautiful and authentic folks to take pics of!)

i started working on the pictures and became so overwhelmed. i was sucking the joy out of something that i find really lovely. some pictures don't need to be fixed up at all, some seem to crave texture, others have good content but need some lovin'.
so i've been trying to approach it like i do taking the picuture. stop thinking too much about it and just play. so much beauty comes out of the place of play and isn't that what being a creative being is about? as i approach turning this into a business and not just a hobby, i'm glad i was reminded this week of how to leave the land of anxiety and return to the place of play.

i wish i could share some pics of the shoot with folks but part of my agreement with the troupe is to just use them on my website. i'm hoping to get my website up by my my birthday month of july and take the leap into promoting my business.

yummy yummy messy life!

Self Portrait Challenge: Absurd!

i'm back!
i unintentionally took a month and a half off of the self-portrait challenge.
i'd been overthinking this months subject...what absurdity can i create in a picture?
and when i saw this pic of me and ladybug (yes...thats what happen when your cat gets too close to the camera) i decided that perhaps i should just let photographic absurdity just occur!

welcome cute little man (and other joys of the week)

why i loved this week:

-meeting the cutest baby (seriously he's really really cute) right after he emerged into the world.
-seeing his mom glow after a really tough labour and seeing his dad completely smitten
-bits of sunshine bursting through rainy days
-going to the movies twice. seeing this and this. both were wonderful (but i liked the first one the best).
-this sunny day in which i'm doing a photoshoot with a local burlesque troupe!
-loving this song which is titled with a word i love and try to live by: Resilience
-being inspired by jen lemen and this post. i donated what i could and love watching what happens when we each do that.
-this superhero photo challenge. i'm going to make sure i use this approach on my shoot today!
-the beautiful flower seen above and seen in my backyard. i've been spending a lot of time lately photographic beautiful springness!

much love,
v

dear little being

dear little being

i'm so excited to meet you.
i think of you every day and watch your mom's belly swell even bigger.
i've watched your big sis grow up into the most magical of girls
and i can barely contain my excitement at being able to watch you on this journey
right from the start.

you are coming soon and i'm ready as can be to help your parents on the journey
from belly to the wide open world.
from being held in the comfort of her living womb to being held in their arms.

i'm counting the sleeps little one!
journey safely out here to meet us.
i'll see you there.

love vivienne

new sounds

today is a gentle, slow day.
i've been sick the last few days. needing to take it slow but not.

so i'm
sitting in my little yard
mac on my lap
thawing out my heart
sending love texts to my beloveds far away
appreciating where pink and white blossoms meet blue skies
watching kitters play in their first real sunshiny day of spring
feeling grateful for all that 30 has brought
and having a calm faith that all that isn't quite there yet will become a grateful memory someday.

what could make this tender beautiful day much better? i could only imagine one thing. new weepies sounds.

yes, the beautiful-tender-powerful-speaktothesoul-sounds of the weepies. their new album isn't out yet, but they've posted some songs on their myspace page. the first few notes got me teary.

don't wait any longer. go check it out!

and if you want some inspirational bloggery while you listen, check out these:
jen lemen
magpie girl
the whole self

the beauty around me

i'm not full of words these days, but am back to taking daily pictures...so here's some visual offerings!
(i wish i had a picture of that gorgeous snow yesterday and the hail on wednesday...adding a reminder that its not quite spring yet, despite the magnolias, cherry trees and blue sky days).

cat lady?

two nights ago, just before i fell asleep, i put out an inquiry to dreamland to give me insight into my future love.

when i awoke, i could recall there was a sweetie in my dream, but i couldn't remember much about this person.
what i could remember with great clarity is that i was far away (portland? berkeley?) and eating on the patio of a lovely cafe with some folks when i heard it. her meow.

that meow that helped me find her when she was missing.
that meow that woke me up at 5:15 this morning and repeatedly until i got up.
that meow.
it was my ladybug.

what does that mean?
am i destined to be a cat lady forever?

nope (well, as much as i love my cats...which is a whole lot).

i think i'll take the dream to say that
i already have love.
its already present.
its here.

or maybe i should have just been more specific with the question!

spring

"The splendor of the rose and the whitness of the lily do not rob the little violet of it’s scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its lovliness."

Therese of Lisieux

i'm falling in love with spring.
cherry trees lining streets,
magnolias ready to burst from their furry shells,
especially lenten roses with their demure petals facing downwards
but if you look up from the ground you see breathtaking beauty.

i've been to 3 gardens in the last few days.
taken hundreds of pictures.
often taking my camera away from my eyes and putting it oh so close to the flowers.
which brings forth some magical photos
as the camera looks from where the fairies eye view.

i loved seeing that shutter sisters discussion of the day was just this:
shooting from the floor.
when i was at the vandusen gardens the other day i saw a lady wearing knee pads, walking around with a whole lotta photo gear. i would love to see the pictures she takes. thats a pretty good idea, wearing knee pads, for those of us smitten with seeing flowers from unusual angles.

the above was one of those photos in which i stuck my camera near the ground and started shooting....here's a few more!

you who are beautiful

I had a lovely photoshoot this weekend with a friend, each of us taking a turn with being in front of and behind the camera. Its been a while since I've had pictures taken of me and it was a very humbling experience. It felt so good to see the beauty she captured of me, pictures that feel like they are the authentic, beautiful me. It feels important to return to being in front of the camera every so often, so i can remember that place those I photograph are in and ponder more ideas to help them feel comfortable.

Most of the inquiries I get from friends lately about photoshoots have involved them feeling like they need a reminder of their own beauty for those days when they are having a hard time with it. This has me thinking of the importance of photographs in increasing our self esteem.

I know that for me, taking self portraits has been incredibly healing. There is no one else to feel nervous around, you can make goofy or sexy faces and just delete it if it ain't what you wanted. It becomes a place of play for me and I've truly been able to see myself as beautiful through this process. Doing the 365 challenge (which I started in august) took this to a new level. Some days I do a self portrait I love, other days just a quick one that may not be fancy but may truly represent how exhausted i was or show some other authentic representation of my day.

I'm excited to be able to offer this kind of support to other people. To help them capture a visual representation of their beauty, their authentic self. I think all my friends are beautiful...just gorgeous inside and out...but if they don't believe it, its difficult to capture it on camera. Its not difficult to take a pretty picture...but my goal is to take a picture (or lots) that makes you say 'yes...thats really me' or 'wow...i'm beautiful'. When Z was taking pictures of me this week I realized how hard it is for people to open up like that when having their photos taken...and how important it is that we do. It was like all that practice taking self portaits in my bathroom mirror disappeared and i had to centre in how safe I felt in the moment in able to let go. I can see my uncomfort in the early pictures and then watch its unfolding. I see that too in those I photograph...that moment that is like a big sigh....and they start moving more, smiling wider and opening to that experience. It is so important that we connect to that feeling of being beautiful in a way that isn't connected to our outer appearances....that radiant self love that makes our beauty radiate.

I wrote this post and then went over to Shutter Sisters (one of my favourite websites these days) and realized it is Love Thursday. This post is about Self-Love...that elusive kind of love that is probably the one we need the most. The above pictures feel to me like they radiate the self love that we both strive to have grow even stronger in our hearts!

A beautiful song by India Arie feels like the best way to end this post:

Beautiful Flower

This is a song for every girl who's
Ever been through something she thought she couldn't make it through
I sing these words because
I was that girl too
Wanting something better than this
But who do I turn to

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

This is a song for every girl who
Feels like she is not special
'Cause she don't look like a supermodel Coke bottle
The next time the radio tells you to shake your moneymaker
Shake your head and tell them, tell them you're a leader

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

Yeah, you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, yeah, you
You are brilliant

superhero photo challenge: eyes closed

i love catching those moments
when your eyes naturally close
because your smile is so all encomapssing!

a few other things making me smile today:

~waking up to find an email from this lovely blogger including the words
rooooooooaaaarrrrr!!! that gave a super empowered start to a day which really needed a change in mood!
check out the movie trailer that prompted such a vibrant roar!

~treating myself to the dvd of this amazing movie that i want to watch over and over again!

~this photo

~checking out other eyes closed pictures over at the superhero challenge at shutter sisters

whatever it is, it is what i am.

written while in portland:

what is it about this place?
i feel like i can shake off protective layers and just be my authentic, even confident self here.
i look around and everyone seems like they've done the same.

i've spent the day on alberta st and now mississipi st.
drinking stumptown coffee,
admiring the stores tumbleweed and mabel and zora.
standing in awe of jen mercede's art.

my folks are feeling under the weather, so are taking it easy here. they have another week here, but i'm heading home on the train tomorrow. we're learning how to use the darkroom in my photography class and i can't miss that. but its kind of nice that i've been able to spend the day alone, lots of journal writing while coffee drinking, chatting with pdx folks and exchanging smiles with just about everyone i see.

it really feels like home here. i'm pretty wide open to where life might take me. who knows...maybe it will be home someday.

back in vancity:

i've been home for a few days and that quick doze of pdx has done mighty good for me. i hadn't been down there since october and a little part of my heart was obviously in desperate need of whatever sort of energetic wavelength exists in portland. whatever it is, it is what i am.

my first few days of being home, i've jumped right back into work...so i've been having what i call 'gentle days' which due to the nature of working nights are those that i set expectations for myself that are not as vast as a post-8-hour-sleep day. mostly the gentleness refers to my need to be gentle with myself. i have this way of waking up in the morning and jumping right into a place of guilt....mostly that I'm not making all that I can of the day. But I do this before the day really gets going and it brings a negative tone to a day which hasn't even had the chance to show me its potential! Its very noticable after being on holidays, where i don't question the validity of every moment of every day.

so i've been working on being present and just letting the day unfold. i've discovered a wonderful tool for when that chatter begins. i've been putting on the cd 'Sin and other Salvations' the wyrd sisters. I'd have to say its one of my favourite albums ever. it speaks right to my root chakra and grounds me. it also speaks very clearly to my heart and my throat chakras...gets me feeling present and alive and gets me singing from that place in my core that lives to sing. by the time the cd has played a few songs, i am feeling present and ready to listen to the wide openness that is the day.

i've also been trying to stay in that place in which portland sings to my heart. what can i do to bring that pdx-love back to vancity? i've been painting up a storm and am working on image transfers of some of my photographs which i eventually plan to add to my etsy store (but have a bit of a ways to go before perfecting the technique!)

i also felt mighty beautiful in portland. i felt seen. i felt like people spoke the same language there about what beauty is. i'm noticing that embodiment of my own beauty that i feel there hasn't disappeared. its like knowing that someone out there sees you for who you are. they may not be by your side at all times, but sometimes just knowing they are there is enough to walk taller and feel stronger!

the reunion of viv and pdx

i've just arrived at my home away from home in portland
swooning from an amazing weekend on the coast!

i only have 36 hours in my beloved city before i need to head back to vancity.
so i'm going to try and savour every sight and sound.

my master plan for my one and only day here:

alberta street
stumptown coffee
pdx people watching
lots of photo taking of the above things!

yum!

bound for the coast!

i'm off to the oregon coast for a long weekend!
be still my beating heart!

armed with:
7 cameras (holga, diana, lubitel, fisheye, duaflex, film rebel and canon rebel!)
5 maps showing the most scenic route possible
2 wonderful parents
2 roadtrip cds
1 silver car
1 sleep till the open road!