bench monday

i've been loving all of the bench monday pictures that have been showing up in my flickr contact photostream these last few weeks. totally a concept right up my alley.

these last few days have been so socially busy that tonight i dedicated to lying on the couch with two purring felines, going in and out of napping and waking. but as the sun was setting i made myself get out of the house for a very small evening stroll, armed with my tripod (which i've missed so much...the logic in me not bringing it to california completely evades me) and my new lens i headed to the ravine nearby in search of some bench~like structures....and these two images show what i found....

vancity goodness

dear vancouver.

i must commend you.
you're really doing your best to get me to fall for you.

i've been nestled back in between your mountains for a few weeks now
and i'm amazed at how much better i like you now compared to when i left you
(much to the chagrin of my toronto friends who'd like to kidnap me to their city).

you've been working hard at showing me your beautiful parts and people.
~the night market in chinatown
~gospel music at my favourite cafe
~folk and rock concerts galore
~a photoshoot with a beautiful friend
~homemade lemonade in wine glasses in the sunshine, complete with a laughing fit
~collecting shells on the beach
~seeing how much all of the babies have grown
~my beloved NIA dance class and the lovely ladies there
~feeling inspired to start running again
~sunshine, sunshine, sunshine, along with a beautiful breeze most days
~a few really lovely dear sweet friends (like the one along side me in these pics)

there are still plenty of moments that i'll think
"why don't i go to cafe gratitude today"
or
"i feel like taking pics in the mission today"
and totally forget where i am.

i still miss the east bay and san francisco like mad (and the lovelies i met there)
and would love to find myself back there some day.

but in general vancity, i think might like you after all!

now...if only i could manifest a way to winter somewhere else every year,
then vancouver, i think we could live happily ever after!

gratitude and rock n' roll

I'm just chock full of gratitude right now. So much so that i can't sleep. you know those days...that are just so lovely that you know waking up tomorrow you won't feel quite as blissed out. I've had one of those. One of my dear dear friends played a show in my city tonight and made time to spend the afternoon with me. Usually I steal him away from the music world for an hour to grab sushi and connect so to have the whole afternoon....so grateful!

I finally gave in and bought the "nifty fifty" as Kate calls it...the Canon 50mm 1.4 lens. I've been eyeing it for a long time, tested it out whenever anyone would let me. Then today while researching what lenses are most popular for indoor concert shooting everyone was raving about it and well, that was that! I'd held out long enough! And I'm incredibly happy with it. It really allowed for far more great shots of tonight's show than I could normally get from my small arsenal of lenses.

My friends band The Cliks was touring as the opener for a band called The New York Dolls. Once the show began I noticed 3 rather tall dudes with very large cameras and lenses bombarding the front of the stage. A friend and I with our canon rebel's and smallish (but powerful) lenses held our own. Can't say they were the friendliest people I've ever encountered nor do I really understand the need for a gigantic zoom lens when you're about 3 feet from the subject. That said, if they were taking pictures that will help promote my friend, I'll be nice to them none the less!

I love how photography and music intersect. They both have a way of bringing me into the moment. Thats one of the things I love so much about seeing live music...its a moment in time that is happening, creating a state of sensory bliss. Photography does that in a different yet equally beautiful way. I love photographing live music...if you haven't tried it I highly recommend just bringing your camera to a show and being brave and trying it. Sometimes its the best seat (or usually lack of a seat) in the house being right there with a few lenses and a camera. There are times though that I need to make sure I put down the camera and really be present in experiencing the music.

I'm listening to The Cliks new album right now and every song I hear amazes me even more.

I'm a very very proud friend. Its really really beautiful to see people get the success they've worked so hard for. Here's a few shots from the night (more will appear on my flickr stream as I process them)!

sameness and difference

slowly settling in.

simply going about my life here, in both its sameness and its difference from before. prioritizing connecting with a few good friends, slowly unpacking, eating nutritious food, making my home beautiful, dance class, running, going to concerts.

the other day i realized the biggest difference between then and now. before california and after. i was wandering on the railroad tracks, through a community garden on a solo adventure when i realized what wasn't there. loneliness. before i went away it was always there, wherever i went. over the last few years it got less powerful in my life but it was still there.

i don't miss it.

the nest

the first thing he said when i arrived this morning was "i want to make a nest for my baby bird".
he had woken up in the middle of the night with this creative idea and was excited to make it happen.

i, pumped that he came up with a creative project unrelated to star wars, could barely hold my excitement about making a nest either.

and i must say, we rocked the nest making. it took quite a while (in kid terms), lots of layers, half a bottle of glue, some sticks and leaves and a whole lot of cardboard to make baby bird a lovely, sturdy permanent home.

to top it all off, he who refuses to be photographed (except the time when i convinced him that someone using the force had taken over my camera and i had no control of it) even let me capture the moment.

i heart making art with him.

as seen through my polaroid

almost home

standing within the mountains in kaslo, british columbia was a pretty lovely welcome back to my province. driving across it, from the more arid regions towards the deep lush kootenays, i couldn't help but fall for this truly beautiful place. connecting with old friends, most of whom i haven't seen in a decade, has me feeling pretty fulfilled too. its amazing how much people change and how essentially we remain the same.

now physically home in my cute little apartment, slowly bringing boxes and bags back in to be sorted. i'm totally craving newness...being sure to not put anything back exactly where it was before. i want to acknowledge change and also to feel newness around me despite not being somewhere new.

being back around my dear sweet friends...that feels like home. i couldn't wait another day to see a few people in this city, so they have definitely taken priority over unpacking.

and what will truly make my heart feel like home is those two meowing beings that are presently on their way back home to me! can't wait to hear them purr! i don't know if i'll be much of a wordy woman this week, what with cuddling with kitters and taking my time unpacking and all (oh, and work) but i have lots and lots to share...in due time!

bittersweet

the train slowly rambled through the darkness, over and through mountains, past baby cows running in fields, geese having a feast, rusty old cars and wood shacks sinking into the ground. it felt like the perfect way to get myself up the coast towards home.

now in portland (which i love just as much as i love the bay area) hanging out with my sister, drinking my favourite coffee, the best gluten free muffins and cracking each other up big time. tomorrow i'll keep going north, arrive home, only to pack up a small backpack and leave again.

i'll be heading into the interior of british columbia (which is breathtakingly beautiful) to meet up with friends i haven't seen in a decade, hop in a car together and head out to nelson to a wedding. only a quick trip though and then back i home to vancouver where it'll be time to get myself grounded, unpack, get out my beautiful green bike and go for a ride, see what's blooming, get ready for the arrival of my beloved kitters, hug sweet friends and see how much all the lil' ones have grown since i've been gone.

its kind of bittersweet (just like my fave cafe in oakland...sigh, oakland).
these last few months have been really good to me. my heart doesn't have the heaviness it had been carrying around for years and years. i don't feel that big ball of bitterness anymore. i was feeling really disheartened by vancouver when i left and now i feel much more open to seeing if i can make life there feel as happy as it was when i was away...and if not, well then i'll just follow where ever my happiness leads me.

i'm a cat lady

i've been avoiding a certain photo file on my computer for months now, knowing that if i looked in it i would need a full box of tissues handy to deal with the waterworks. its the file called 'kitters'.

while i've been in california my cats ladybug and elliot (the above photo is of miss lady) have been bonding with my parents in montreal. way back in the fall i called them in tears asking for them to help me after my potential cat sitter options all fell through. little did i know how lovely it would be to hear the way my folks talked about the kitters, hearing how they have bonded with my brother and gotten to know his amazing cat ulysses, knowing that they too have fallen a little bit (or a lot) for these miniscule feline beings that i so adore.

tonight i was finally ready to gaze at photos of their little adorable faces, ladybug and her alien-esque eyes and billy (elliot) and his cute belly. although i'm still in total denial that i'm leaving this lovely place, the thought of being back together with those adorable beings has me a wee bit excited to head home. 15 sleeps till i get to curl up with them again!

***be sure to follow the above link to a truly wonderful video by my brother's talented friend***

ode to the east bay {part one}

dearest east bay

i'm in denial that you and i will soon part.
complete and total denial.

and i'm crazy about you.
totally head over heels.
when we met it was like i knew you already
as though i was meant to be here.

at first it was the smiles,
the way i feel seen,
the way ladies dress here (just like me),
the coffee shops with sabrina ward harrison artwork,
the most beautiful cemetery nearby to photowalk in,
the lemon tree in the backyard,
the flowers in bloom,
the amazing food at cafe gratitude,
the immense beauty of the berkeley hills,
the sunshine and springtime thawing my heart,

and then east bay, you outdid yourself,
you gave me friends, amazing ones,
total keepers.

oh rockridge, piedmont, oakland, berkeley,
every book i pick up reads your name,
everywhere i look i see reasons i love you.

so what are we gonna do east bay?
its like we're a love affair that just got started.
perhaps thats the best way to end an affair that just can't be.
to leave while things are still at a peak
and be grateful for what we had together

love
~v

storytelling

words aren't coming easy to me these last few days. i'm stumbling over them in conversation and when fingers meet keyboard. but it feels like i have a lot of stories to tell in images, i'm going to let them be the storyteller here for a bit!

all the ingredients

To Build A Swing
by Hafiz, translated by Daniel Landinsky

You carry
All the ingredients
To turn your life into a nightmare-
Don't mix them!

You have all the genius
To build a swing in your backyard
For God.

That sounds
Like a hell of a lot more fun.
Let's start laughing, drawing blueprints,
Gathering our talented friends.

I will help you
With my divine lyre and drum.

Hafiz
Will sing a thousand words
You can take into your hands,
Like golden saws,
Silver hammers,

Polished teakwood
Strong silk rope.

You carry all the ingredients
To turn your existence into joy,

Mix them, mix them!

the story of a girl and a sunset

wordless wednesday

landing softly

its near the time i have to head north again. when i first left i would almost cry at the thought of having to go home. not that vancouver isn't lovely, but i had a catalogue of disappointments and unmet expectations built up from the last few years that had me dreading my return. i can't say i've let go of all of them, but a good chunk of them don't have the hold on me that they did when i left.

i mean, vancouver is a pretty beautiful place to live. i could list all the reasons i don't love it, but instead i'd like to approach going back as though it was a new place, because i feel fairly changed and wonder how much of my struggles with vancouver is just it mirroring back what I was going through there....that if I am looking for newness and beauty that is what i'll find.

so, to try and not have a bit let down upon my return i've been pondering some ideas of how to make it a good homecoming. i've started this list of ideas of how to make sure there is lots of beauty awaiting me.

~register for the classes i'm most inspired by at the college where i'm working on a photography diploma. a darkroom class as well as another alternative photographic processes class....so excited for these!

~make a blurb book from some of the thousands of pictures i've taken while i've been here. i'm definitely going to do this....it'll be such a good keepsake and also be a good way for me to show and tell about the trip with friends back home.

~make some friend dates for promptly upon my return. i miss these beautiful souls and am so excited to sit in front of them again!

~make a hair appointment with my fabulous friend who is the only one i trust to cut my hair

~put some books i'm excited to read on hold at the library so that they are waiting for me to pick up as soon as i get back...that way i'll have some inspiration awaiting me.

i'd so love any suggestions or stories about ways you've created a good homecoming for yourselves and avoided the post-trip blues!

and then she became bokeh

her laugh was always the loudest one in the room. after its initial intensity it slowly faded like she was singing down an octave until it softened into almost a sigh. for the first while after she left this earth i could still hear her laugh.

tonight i was watching an episode of the show House in which one of the characters kills himself. that's the moment that i turned into a weeping mess in my rocking chair and had a good, shoulder shaking, deep down cry. it came over me like a tidal wave release i hadn't known i needed to have.

i had been thinking about her, Alex, over the last few days. i knew it was coming up to 4 years and that i am the age now that she was when she left. i don't think about her as much as the years have passed and don't visit with her in dreams anymore. i actually mostly think of her in moments when i'm just so amazed at how beautiful the world is. her choice to leave reconfirmed my choice to live as fully as possible.

and today i miss her laugh.

gratitudes

i'm one grateful girl, for such things as:

~all of the really kind comments on the last post. i hope to be able to write a post someday about how beautiful it was to meet each of you. except the lovely brie (being an old dear sweet friend and all), i hope to post someday about a beautiful viv~brie island reunion! shall we?

~lots of connecting over the weekend. A photo walk with one friend, a photoshoot with another. Its has also been so lovely connecting with the real, kind and inspiring andrea, this time over the best vegetarian, gluten free chili at a hidden gem of a cafe.

~seeing dar williams and melissa ferrick on sunday evening. that was my 3rd time seeing melissa play in the last year and she never ceases to amaze me with her talents and have me on the floor laughing at her hilarious nerotic self. and dar....i've been a dar fan for a long time now and was excited to see her. but i didn't realize how impactful her music has been on me and how a few songs would bring me near tears. sigh. also, sitting right up in front of the stage with my camera, along with the other photographer~types in the audience. truly it is the best seat in the house!

~working on the photos from the weekend ethereal woodsy photo shoot. doing my happy dance over lots of the photos!

~a lovely trip to target tonight (oh target i will miss you...and trader joe's too) and finding a few brightly colored dresses on sale. walking home a busker was singing 'all you need is love' and now its stuck in my head. the perfect song for these days.

~the most beautiful blossom that i keep coming across (as pictured above). i have no clue what it is but it has the potential to rival the magnolia blossoms as my floral obsession!

~two more concerts ahead. live music fills me up like nothing else so i'm excited to have this much beautiful music in my life this week.

~summer plans. rockin' classes back home at the college, folk fest, maybe a cottage trip, lots of re-connecting i hope.

~avocados from the farmers market, lemons from the backyard and really good mexican food.

~optimism about going home

connection

Until about 6 months ago, I couldn't really tell you why I blog. Interestingly enough I've been at it for about 5 years now and you'd think after all that time I'd know. This week I had a look back at my archives and was clear about 2 things: that i used to swear a lot in posts and that i am incredibly thankful that I do this.

As a teenager I journalled pretty intensely, having got into it through an outdoor/experiential education program I took in high school which gave me an 'out of the box' school experience. It was part of our coursework to journal and, well, I never looked back. I feel like blogging is like journaling's cousin, with close family ties but very unique lives of their own. Its a place both to work through things and to embody space and put myself 'out there'. A place to be safe as well as vulnerable and sometimes just a way to work on showing up. Something that only really changed in the last while was that this became a way to connect with people.

Now, connecting with people hasn't really been my forte in the last few years. I'd gone into a depression a few years back and ever since then I've been in a bit of a bubble of solitude. I found it really hard to connect with people again, especially some friendships that already existed in my life. You see, I'm not the person I used to be. I used to be much more of a supportive friend, one to come to in crisis, one who'd do anything for you. But all of that giving got used up and there I was with an empty well and nothing left to give. So I sat at the bottom of the giving well for a while and tried to see if I could cry it full. That didn't work either so I climbed out of the well of emptiness, found a camera and started filling the well up with beauty, hope and self-understanding.

Since those days I've kept my friendship circle kind of small, feeling really awkward and unsure of how to connect with people. I mean really connect. What does that mean? How does that look or feel? What creates that? Am I really connecting with the friends I have? Is there really space for the authentic me in my friendships? Why do some connections happen instantly and others go at a snail's pace? I consumed myself with these questions for a while, as I still sat in my solo bubble.

And then I came to california...

Seriously, a change of scene does wonders for the soul. I swear I worry far less about things outside my control these days. I stopped worrying about connecting and started doing it. When I first arrived I was amazed at how powerful it felt to simply connect with strangers through kind smiles, how easy it was to strike up a conversation with people in the neighbourhood I'm staying in, how much of a community feeling there was. I've learned what an important part of connection this is. To feel seen and like a part of something, even when alone, gives me a place to begin.

One of the loveliest of treats in this trip has been connecting with some new friends. These ladies above just warm my heart right up. We went out for dinner at cafe gratitude this week and it was so nice to be in the company of such wise, creative, sassy, lovely women. Honestly, in connecting with two I haven't even pondered all of those former worries. Kate is writer, photographer and blogger and Valerie a photographer and all-round creative lady as well as a blog reader (and hopefully a blogger someday if we're lucky) and it just felt like we had some beautiful solid ground to begin connecting on. I'm totally sad that I'm leaving soon as it feels like we've just begun some seriously awesome friendships. Thankfully we still have some time to pack in lots of hanging out!

Thats what I'm realizing about this whole blogging thing. That its not just about me. Not at all. Its about telling my stories and discovering myself and what inspires me and putting it out there in the hopes that someone will relate to it and that we will each feel a little more seen or understood.

Not only have I made a few fabulous new friends, but have tracked down an incredible one from years back (caroliiiiiiiinnnnnne) and have been able to connect with fabulous women around the globe. In this time we live in where we have the means to create connection outside of the bubble of our own community, I can't help but think it makes life all the more richer.

When I used to read blog posts somewhat like this one I would totally feel jealous. Why is everyone out their in the blogging world becoming new best friends while I'm just sitting here alone? I feel like I'm coming to realize that connection is far more simple than I thought. Its really just about reaching out with openness, hope and authenticity and then experiencing the ways that paths do or don't intersect.

And being out of the bubble of solitude? It feels kind of like this afternoon when the sun came out after a week of rain and I put on my sundress and I just let it fall on my shoulders and remind me that everything comes around again and that winter always thaws into spring.

a poetic afternoon

this afternoon found me sitting in an auditorium at the san francisco library listening to 5 poets read from their most recent work. there is something truly beautiful about the audience at a poetry reading. the listening capabilities of such a crowd are like nothing else.

i had gone to the reading specifically to hear Chris Abani, who's storytelling and poetry are grounding, humanizing and quite beautiful. Chris was amazing, had us all mezmerized with his words and brought our respectful silence into connected laughter. but it was another poet, Ellen Bass, and one poem in particular that really stood out to me as the one I won't forget. By the end of the poem, the quiet crowd all took a beautiful collective sigh.

Gate C22 by Ellen Bass

At gate C22 in the Portland airport
a man in a broad-band leather hat kissed
a woman arriving from Orange County.
They kissed and kissed and kissed. Long after
the other passengers clicked the handles of their carry-ons
and wheeled briskly toward short-term parking,
the couple stood there, arms wrapped around each other
like he'd just staggered off the boat at Ellis Island,
like she'd been released at last from ICU, snapped
out of a coma, survived bone cancer, made it down
from Annapurna in only the clothes she was wearing.

Neither of them was young. His beard was gray.
She carried a few extra pounds you could imagine
her saying she had to lose. But they kissed lavish
kisses like the ocean in the early morning,
the way it gathers and swells, sucking
each rock under, swallowing it
again and again. We were all watching —
passengers waiting for the delayed flight
to San Jose, the stewardesses, the pilots,
the aproned woman icing Cinnabons, the man selling
sunglasses. We couldn't look away. We could
taste the kisses crushed in our mouths.

But the best part was his face. When he drew back
and looked at her, his smile soft with wonder, almost
as though he were a mother still open from giving birth,
as your mother must have looked at you, no matter
what happened after — if she beat you or left you or
you're lonely now — you once lay there, the vernix
not yet wiped off, and someone gazed at you
as if you were the first sunrise seen from the Earth.
The whole wing of the airport hushed,
all of us trying to slip into that woman's middle-aged body,
her plaid Bermuda shorts, sleeveless blouse, glasses,
little gold hoop earrings, tilting our heads up.

smile