elemental

earth

air

fire

water


today the elements were in full force.

i headed down to the beach as soon as i woke up, to say my first hello to the atlantic ocean. its a breathtaking beach as far as the eye can see.

i then rented a bike and went for a ride on the beach and soon came across people pointing excitedly. two dolphins were very close to shore, swimming along, flipping their tails, flowing up and down in the waves. i biked along side them for a long while.

as soon as i finally decided to turn back, the lightest rain fell. within minutes it was ferocious. i love biking in the rain and it was a very refreshing cool treat.

after a bit of work i was beyond excited to head to the beach. after getting suited up, i headed past the pool to the walkway just as everyone from the beach poured past me the opposite way. i soon realized the most intense wind was creating a small sandstorm just up the beach. you could see it heading our way. back to the house for tea and chocolate on the porch to watch the storm. the rain soon came and it poured some more. apparently it hasn't rained in a while so it is much needed!

after the storm was over i headed back to see what had changed. the wind was still fierce but the sky was clear and the sun setting. i gathered some shells and sang into the wind.

this day was filled with so much elemental intensity that i could not help but leave my thoughts behind and just be present all that i was witnessing. during this final trip of the day i did something i have not done in so long. it began with "spirits of the east, element of air" and continued through the elements, words i had not expected poured from me, sending gratitute for all that has happened in the few years and feeling each element tell me ways that they can help me continue to seek a better future. the witchy part of myself hasn't been in hiding, but since moving to vancouver i haven't found people to circle with and i needed a break from some elements of working with a group. but it feels like its time to find the witchy-me again.
feels like its already started.

oh the places we'll go

3 big car rides
2 flights
3 kids
3 adults

spanish moss dripping from trees
really really loud tree frogs
the beach awaiting my bare feet
the pool awaiting an early morning swim

a life well lived.

rubber boots and camera phones

my camera has started to make the strangest noises and will not shut down! this lovely little silver box goes everywhere with me. no bike ride is without a stop to take a picture of some beautiful tree or flower, or to take a self portrait. I'm smitten with it. so as i handed it over to the guy at the store to fix it, it was hard to let it go. it will of course be back with me in a couple weeks, fixed as good as new. unfortunately i won't have it back in time for me trip to hilton head, but alas.

a good thing is it has gotten me in touch with the good old camera on my phone. i'm realizing how smitten with photography and with having that creative medium at my disposal! love it love it!

here is a little photo of my gorgeous new rubber boots!

mini skirts and grumpy pants

last week i had my grumpypants on in the most serious way. i didn't want to be here, feeling alone and without community. the value of a bout of the grumpies is all the revelations that come with it (like with pms...true feelings come out). so today surprised me with a few moments of spontaneous dancing and mini-bouts of joy. i have a few entries on this thing, packed full of sadness and craving to be elsewhere. i'm not letting go of the possibility of change, but my spirit needs to find the beauty in today.

the benefit of living on this side of the country is showing itself these days as spring is with us full force. today was the first day i could get away with wearing a mini-skirt without freezing my knees off.

mini-skirts always make the day better.

so excited for my superhero necklace! (waiting patiently while andrea juggles new-mama-hood and making jewlery)

words eaten

um, i've gotta eat my words, as i've just found out one of these long lost cousins is a pagan and seems pretty rad.
i spoke too soon!

my love/hate relationship with facebook

why it bugs me:
1. there is no option other than male/female for my gender diverse friends to use.
2. they tell you every little thing that people change on their profiles. i really don't need to know!
3. i added a guy from highschool, who is making me nauseous...posting updates that he is masturbating and has pictures of himself and his steroid pumped arms grabbing women's breasts. for real! i almost dated this dude too. until he slept with my friend (big surprise). he will likely be deleted.
4. i didn't know i had so many cousins, until i joined facebook. they are coming out of the woodwork, and have the appropriate last names to be my second cousins, but i probably only met them once at a family reunion. i'm not feeling like i can really be my self now on facebook (i like to keep some parts of my life private from extended family). grrr.


why i love it:
1. i have tracked down the loveliest people from my past, like the friend i've had since age 1 month and would totally hang out with now if we lived in the same province, friends who now have kids, lovely camp friends.
2. with my bad memory, and finding all these people, it almost feels like i have more of a context of my own history...not just, i grew up in inglewood/caledon, went to mayfield, moved to montreal, went to tbay, moved to vic, now in van...but i have all these lovely reminders of the people i've cared about along the way.
3. well, pretty much because so many people are joining it, so the social network of the past grows!

prince charming

what if there is no prince charming?
how do i find enough self love to fill that place?

a beautiful day to make mischief

today was just lovely. as part of our sunday dreamseeds creative adventuring, we had a plan to get dressed up real silly and go take photos. just near the purple thistle (art centre) is an old factory that is now studios, train tracks and grafitti filled alleyways...perfect for photo fun. these are some of my favourites of the day that z took of me.

the adventures of the red mary janes

my lovely red mary janes used to be the shoes that could not be worn in the rain (which is over half of the year here) or snow, thus often sitting on the shoe rack to be admired there. but this week i've injured my foot (too much running, not enough streching) thus only shoes that are actually good for my feet are allowed to adorn them. so miss mary janes not only have exited the category of the 'only worn in certain conditions' but are now destined to live a life with far more adventure. so here is what the day brought...

arrive at the beach standing tall on a log


explore what the low tide has to show


view from the shoe


sand, shells and wood


and finishing off the day nestled under a table at the naam

sweetlife

these days are so rich with learning, and not so much the heavy lesson filled learning but the playful joyous learning. coming back into my own confidence, feeling new beauty and sense of self. yum yum life.

alone

the subject for the photofriday challenge this week is 'alone'. this picture was taken in summer when i was feeling the most intense loneliness i have ever felt. i felt alone even in my own company, which for me was different, because before that i didn't generally feel lonely as i have great fun being by myself. i found out through the process of sorting through that depression that i really wasn't giving myself the care i deserved and was giving too much of my self away. i look now at pictures such as the pjdance party of the last entry which is also taken while i'm alone and i see both as beautiful moments, but i sure am glad i'm back to a place of joy.

start the day dancing

i made a playlist on itunes this morning called 'beautiful life' and this a bit of the pjdanceparty that followed!

7 steps to a lovely solo vday

1. start the day by downloading this non-cheesy valentines day cd (for free) and find you have the perfect soundtrack for the day.

2. get dressed up to look/feel pretty.



3. take yourself out for lunch.

4. buy yourself the prettiest pink bag with this quote:



5. when arriving early for your friends burlesque show you decide to go on a walk through the alleys of strathcona armed with your digital camera. this is some of what you see:






6. watch your amazing friend Z do some empowering burlesque at this show



you feel a bit awkward because you don't know anyone else there but are proud that you had the guts today to come alone.

7. end the day with some cat cuddles, a cup of tea and some journalling.

be mine

i was so happy to find this cookie at a local health food store. being gluten intolerant, cookies just aren't in my vocabulary, let alone ones with icing, asking me to 'be mine'. though i definitely am a romantic, i've also been a single girl for a while so the main romanticism in my life there right now is working on self love. it is nice to do sweet things for one's self. a cup of tea and a g.f. heart cookie sounds romantic to me!

and truth be told, i feel the same way about Vday concerning self love as romantic love. one day a year just don't cut it! this whole year has been about working on this daily. giving myself space to heal and grow, finding ever growing kindness for myself, working through the messy rough stuff in order to find the open heart stuff. i'm still feeling rather protective of my needs (having formerly not been good at articulating them, its an adjustment) but far less fragile. i've got to really 'be mine' before i can be anything for anyone else.

what i believe in

i believe that there is a love ahead for me that is good and true.

i believe that i will exceed my own expectations. i underestimate myself far too much.

i believe in the lessons of this wide open present moment. the lessons these days are fierce in their content but gentle in how they become my new reality.

i believe in the way my parents believe in me and in the growing friendships with my siblings.

i believe in the way lucas makes me laugh, that hil is chosen family, the way liza and i learn about ourselves from each other, the way alison makes me feel special. i believe in their friendship fiercely even though they are far away.

i believe in the community of creative women that inspire me daily, though spread out around the world.

i believe in watching your back, but not forgetting to meet people with kindness.

i believe in spending time alone. going places alone. learning to be alone. being your own best friend, but at the same time not forgetting the value of friendship.

i didn't really have the forsight for a while there, to really see what hope and potential awaited. I believe in experiencing all that is messy, frumpy, frustrated, fearful, angry and trusting that you will make it back to happiness again (and that it will be worth it).

i believe in living as authentically as possible. and it sure is time to do just that.

a pictoral account of todays adventures

This is a Perfect Moment

THIS IS A PERFECT MOMENT
by Rob Brezsny

This is a perfect moment.
It's a perfect moment for many reasons,
but especially because you and I are waking up
from our sleepwalking thumbsucking dumbclucking collusion
with the masters of illusion and destruction.

Thanks to them, from whom the painful blessings flow,
We are waking up.
Thanks to them, from whom the awful teachings ooze,
We are waking up.

Their wars and tortures,
their devils and borders,
extinctions of species and brand new diseases,
their spying and lying in the name of the father,
sterilizing seeds and trademarking water,
stealing our dreams and changing our names,
their brilliant commercials, their endless rehearsals
for the end of the world.

Thanks to them,
from whom the painful blessings flow,
We are waking up.
Thanks to them, from whom the awful teachings ooze,
We are waking up

Their painful blessings are cracking open holes
in the sour and puckered mass hallucination
mistakenly called reality.

News of the soul's true home is pouring in,
infiltrating our increasingly lucid waking dreams.
Wild ripe juicy eternity is flooding in.
Our allies from the other side of the veil
are swarming in.
We're waking up.

And as Heaven and Earth come together,
as the dreamtime and daytime merge,
as paradise and the underworld overlap,
we register the shockingly exhilarating fact that we are in charge --
you and I are in charge --
of making a brand new world.
Not in some distant time or faraway place,
but right here and right now.

As we stand on this brink,
as we dance on this verge,
we can't let the ruling fools of the dying world
sustain their curses.

We have to rise up and fight their insane logic;
defy and resist and prevent their tragic magic;
unleash our sacred rage and let them feel it.
But overthrowing the living dead is not enough.
Protesting the well-dressed monsters is not enough.
We can't afford to be consumed with anger
--can't be obsessed and possessed with complaint.
Our sweet animal bodies need to feel rowdy blessings.
Our amazing imaginations need to thrive on missions
that incite our delight.

We need truths in their wild state,
insurrectionary beauty that excites our curiosity,
outrageous goodness that drives us to perform
heroic acts of lusty compassion,
ingenious love that endlessly transforms us,
tricky freedom that is never permanent
but must be reinvented and reclaimed every day,
and a totally-serious-yet-always-laughing justice
that schemes and dreams about how to
diminish the suffering and increase the joy
of every sentient being.

So I'm radically curious, my fellow creators;
I'm seriously delirious:
Since we are in charge of making a brand New World,
where do we begin?
What truths in their wild state are we planning to plant
at the heart of our creation?
What stories will be our reminders?
What questions will be our fuel?

Here's one for you:
In the New World you will know through and through
that life is crazily in love with you --
life is wildly and innocently in love with you.
In the New World ,
you will know beyond a doubt
that thousands of secret helpers are angling to turn you into the
gorgeous curiosity you were born to be.

But then here's the loaded question.
The love that life eternally floods you with has not exactly been
unrequited, but there's room for you to be more demonstrative.
If life is wildly and innocently in love with you,
are you prepared to start loving life back the way it loves you?
In the New World , you will.

In the New World , you will reject paranoia with
all of your smart heart.
Instead, you will embrace Pronoia.
Which is the opposite of paranoia.
Pronoia is the sneaking suspicion
that the whole living world is conspiring
to shower you with rowdy blessings.
Pronoia is the dawning perception that life is a conspiracy
to liberate you from ignorance,
and fill you with love,
and make you brilliantly soulful.

My fellow creators,
I want you to know that I am allergic to dogma.
I don't trust any idea that requires me to believe in it absolutely.
There are very few things about which I am totally certain.
But I am absolutely certain that Pronoia
describes the way the world actually is.
Pronoia is wetter than water,
truer than the facts, and stronger than death.
It smells like cedar smoke in spring rain,
and if you close your eyes right now,
you can feel it shimmering
in your soft warm animal body like the
aurora borealis.

The sweet stuff
that quenches all of your longing
is not far away
in some other time and place.

It's right here and right now.

Earth is crammed with heaven

how good did it feel

to watch people in the audience of a show hold their hearts as they listened.
to see 50 year old women jump out of their chairs and shake their booty in the aisles
to dance to some of the most empowering music i've heard in a long time
to get through the awkwardness to the place where i am dancing freely
to sit in the sun with an old friend and have many belly laughs
to see the way that man through his fist in the air with such emotion during a song
to witness the beauty of four grand tipis in the middle of the cityscape. incredible.
to share smiles with little humans.

amidst all challenges there have been glimpses of summer, being present in my life and bringing me back to myself. between all the stresses there are these things.
and they feel so good that they make up for all the rest.

why. how. what.

i don't know what to call it:
a spiritual crisis
my saturn return
post-traumatic healing
growing into real adulthood
being silent with myself
learning to sing again
meeting my shadow


maybe a bit of all of the above. all i know is that a new understanding of myself and the world is emerging in me. right now it doesn't feel so nice. i've been caught up in the 'why' on my tough days lately. why am i feeling this way? why am i letting go of the things that i have used to self-sabotage or blame? why am i seeing it all so differently? why do i suddenly feel what it is to have faith? why do i feel so alone? why can't it be easier? why does it feel like a brick wall sometimes? why is this process so slow?

the realizations are beautiful. the emotions are the ones that have been hiding from me. i am crying unexpectedly. i am screaming into my pillow sometimes.

i've been frustrated at not knowing how. how do i start healing this lil' big heart of mine? how do i protect it? how can i really be happy with myself? how can i make the lonely parts of me feel loved?

i don't know what the big picture is here. the what's.
what the purpose of it all is. what is the unconcious goal i am striving for?
what will i be when i get through this challenging path?
what happens after 30? what if this searching never ends?

no answers. many many questions. right now in this moment all i know is that i need so be silent, to sing, to honour my body, to rest and to challenge myself.
that seems like a good start to me.

in this moment