why. how. what.

i don't know what to call it:
a spiritual crisis
my saturn return
post-traumatic healing
growing into real adulthood
being silent with myself
learning to sing again
meeting my shadow


maybe a bit of all of the above. all i know is that a new understanding of myself and the world is emerging in me. right now it doesn't feel so nice. i've been caught up in the 'why' on my tough days lately. why am i feeling this way? why am i letting go of the things that i have used to self-sabotage or blame? why am i seeing it all so differently? why do i suddenly feel what it is to have faith? why do i feel so alone? why can't it be easier? why does it feel like a brick wall sometimes? why is this process so slow?

the realizations are beautiful. the emotions are the ones that have been hiding from me. i am crying unexpectedly. i am screaming into my pillow sometimes.

i've been frustrated at not knowing how. how do i start healing this lil' big heart of mine? how do i protect it? how can i really be happy with myself? how can i make the lonely parts of me feel loved?

i don't know what the big picture is here. the what's.
what the purpose of it all is. what is the unconcious goal i am striving for?
what will i be when i get through this challenging path?
what happens after 30? what if this searching never ends?

no answers. many many questions. right now in this moment all i know is that i need so be silent, to sing, to honour my body, to rest and to challenge myself.
that seems like a good start to me.