welcome newness

i am a bad procrastonator. a very bad one.

especially with phone calls or anything involved with talking to a stranger. also renewing things. very bad at that.

but in the last half hour all of a sudden it felt like the wall that i put up, you know the one that has 'self-sabatoge' grafittied on it, just disappeared and i have been able to reach out, to send apologies, to finish small tasks i've been avoiding. and i mean, these are wee emails i've put off for months! why? i have no clue. but i'm thankful for the change in energy.

i wonder why i do that self-sabatoge thing. i do it in big ways too. ways i don't want to write down. doing those things creates an environment of stress and a feeling of failure. in my counselling class years back, we spoke about how if you grew up in an environment of stress often we will be drawn to similar energies, because it is safe. i have no doubt looking at the stress of my teenage life (particularly my relationship with my sister...which was pure stress) that i create obstacles for myself, create failures, because it is safe to be there. my soul work a la 2007 is to step out of patterns and to establish new ones, so i'm hoping this is the beginning of something good.

interestingly enough, i'm going to visit my sister tomorrow. we are both making big efforts to help change our dynamics. this sudden flow past old energies into a clearer present has me hopeful and reminded to experience my connection with my sister as it is in the present, cause maybe the past doesn't have quite as big a hold on me anymore!

hmm....i hope so.