so alive

i stood by the railing on the ferry deck on the way home. the sun inched to sleep. the wind was so warm and aggressive. i started crying, for about the 6th time this weekend. the tears, like the way my body didn't even question that it was meant to dance, were so welcome. I have been moved to tears by the music this weekend. the sadness i've been setting aside due to the 9-5 found a safe place in the music. i danced dripping with sweat and tears.
i have never had such a beautiful cry.

the moment i arrived at the stage i tossed off the shoes and put feet to grass. i danced to spoken word, trumpet, sax, dhol, drums, guitar, voices, hip hop, country, funk and silence. I saw friends I haven't seen in five years. I met beautiful people. I spent time with three of my dearest dearest friends. I had beautiful connection with all of the people I had wanted to spend time with there.


fruit was brilliant. so was d'bi young. shane koyczan. the dhol foundation. kate schutt. ruthie foster. jacob cino.

i danced to almost every beat you can imagine. my entire body hurt from moving in unusual ways, whichever direction my feet felt like flying, whatever movement my arms felt like making.

i cried under the biggest blue sky. the music had been rising the emotions up all day. Fruit played a beautiful song called Cherish about a friend who had died of breast cancer. At the end of the song, they got us all singing with them "I see everything beautiful" I sang so fully. The fullness with which I know I can sing, but hold back. And so it released. Later in the day I was watching d'bi, shane, jacob, oliver schroer and kate schutt. If I hadn't of known it was a workshop stage, I would have thought this crew was a band...they were that tight as a collective. shane did a piece which spoke of lonliness and he said this one line which was something to the effect of "there are 6 billion people on this earth and you couldn't find one person to help you". And I lost it...just wept. For those who got to that place and made the choice to leave. And there i sat in the widest bluest sky. feeling so fucking alive. and sad, angry, strong and alive. The next song got everyone on their feet and I danced with tears just dripping down my face. Dancing while my chest heaved and I just fucking wept. I can't even explain how beautiful that felt.

i ate cherries with a friend. We both would take the first bite, then gaze at the centre of the cherry, at how deep red it was and perfect it tasted, before devouring the rest and spitting the pit out with vigor. perfect cherries.
i was drunk on cherries
drunk on sunshine
drunk on my friends
drunk on music
drunk on barefeet
drunk on beautiful people
drunk on coffee
drunk on dancing
drunk on being alive.

i am sunburnt. windblown. released.
i can't even put this weekend into words. on the ferry ride home i bought a trashy magazine to use as papers and wrote memories, song lyrics to be, journal entries and stories in the margins, to be ripped out and put in my journal.

alive i sure am. nearing 28 years of it.
so how am i going to live rest of my years
making sure i feel like this? cry like this? sing like this?
good question.