wholeness braided together

[photo from signs and wonders flickr photostream]

During any of the meditations in the Creative Goddess E~course in which we'd meet our healer, our wise self or even seeing myself in it I noticed a common thread. Each time she would have these two beautiful braids on either side of her head, down to about her chest. I took note of it, and wasn't surprised by it because I've always loved and wanted to have long braids. I remember craving to have them quite early in life in fact.

I didn't really think too much about this common thread as having any symbolism until Saturday when I was working on a writing assignment for the Unravelling E~course (I'm all about the e~courses these days). In the writing assignment we're asked to write a fairy tale of ourselves....once upon a time there was a....

While taking the train downtown for a day of wandering I started writing and then there it was.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman with 2 long braids coming down past her shoulders and paint splatters on her worn hands. Each third of the braid held the memory of who she was and who she had been. Her youth and its struggles, her identity as an other, her mothering self and her story of becoming a mama, her ancestry and family stories, her loves found, lost and found again and her artists self. Every morning she retied each braid together, grounding her in her whole self.

The story continues from there, but this is the part I was very struck by. My symbolism of my guide self having braids isn't simply an aesthetic notion, but a yearning to feel whole. I've struggled in my daily life and even here about how to tie all of those parts of myself together. I have my pride for being part of the queer community and also my hope to find love in a fellow and have babies. I have the girl who died her hair pink years back and the woman who still wants to feel seen but not for what she makes people look at but who she really is. I have my Leo boldness and my socially awkward self. My craving for community but my vital need for time alone. It feels endless sometimes how dualistic my identity feels. I know we all have these conflicting sides of ourselves.

When I have my critical brain switched on I get frustrated at all these pieces and stuck in how they seem to conflict. But they don't. They are all a part of who I am. I just need to be willing to braid them all together and trust that they are all destined to be a part of who I am. In reality, when I grow my hair out my braids aren't plentiful, or even. There's hair sticking out and they get smaller as the hair gets longer.

I just have to trust that the braids of my identity are beautiful in their wholeness.

As are yours.