folk fest revisited

thoughts on 31

31.
i confess it feels slightly different than 30. turning 30 was such a treat. it was a big sigh of relief after finally making it through the tumultuous 20's. and now i feel like i'm actually entering this decade of my life, not just celebrating on the cusp.
i'm happy to grow older (literally....i've always trusted i'd grow more and more into my self as i aged and feel less lost).

i look at this list from last year and realize i only did about 10 of the 30 things, but at the same time am amazed at how much beauty/growth/learning i packed into one year! making such a list is such a good jumping-off-point.

this year actually brought far more than i expected:
~feeling healthier and happier as the weeks went by
~continuing to develop my love for photography
~dreaming big and following through
~gaining so much confidence in taking pictures
~creating deeper connections with a few lovely friends
~going to school (part-time for photography) and loving it far more than i imagined (its the school part i sometimes struggle with)

goals for 31:
~keep listening to my intuition and taking care of myself
~embrace the travels and adventures this year holds (lots of time spent in california! and hopefully portland too)
~start to plan and manifest a trip overseas
~let spontaneity and passion back into my life and heart
~be open to love and connection
~open up more in friendships

and so it begins....

post-folk-fest-bliss

i'm riding the wave of post-folk-fest-bliss
with occasional moments of realization that i have to wait another year for those 3 days of bliss

days where everyone checks egos and insecurities at the festival gate
where its so easy to be present with the plucking of guitars and
people singing with everything they've got
and for those 3 days i truly feel at home.

one thing thats keeping me from the post-fest-blues is a new album
by ferron which is produced and accompanied by bitch. ferron is truly one of the most phenomenal songwriters ever (in my very picky opinion)! one of the goals of bitch (really...thats the name she goes by) making this album is to bring ferron's music to a younger generation and this album exceeded my expectations in that way. its true ferron with a little extra sass!

spending 3 days with beautiful friends
doing the 2 things i love the most (experiencing beautiful music and taking beautiful pictures)
has just filled me with some serious full-heartedness.
and to top it all off, i'm 1 sleep away from one of my toronto lovelies coming to visit
and 2 sleeps from turning 31!!!!

8 songs that get me through...

Inspired by the fabulous Magpie Girl I've compiled a list of 8 songs that
get me through the rough patches
help me breathe deeper
give me perspective
cry
not take it all so seriously
rise up and change
fill up the sore spots

8 songs that keep me going:

breathe in now ~ by george

sun again ~ by kinnie starr

you stay here ~ richard shindell

pick yer nose ~ ani difranco

mamma mamma ~ fruit

sing sing ~ serena ryder

rise again ~ stan rogers

what do you hear in these sounds ~ dar williams


you can go see them here

a love letter to an old friend

dear vivienne (age 19)

i think of you a lot sweet girl.

you stand at the edge of what will be the most tumultuous decade of your life
and i'm barely stopping myself from bombarding you with all the things that i did wrong
that i wish i could change for you. but i can't.

you are also standing at the threshold of opening your heart in a way you've only dreamed of.
and trust me, it will be as cosmic and powerful as you had hoped for.
i won't tell you the specifics of the ending, and i wish i could whisper a few secrets into your ear to get you through
your first heartbreak a little more in tact. i so wish i could do that.

throughout the next decade you might think of your future self in me
and wonder how it that we will ever get past the anger and hurt.
the truth is, at the end of my 30th year i've forgiven almost all of it.
from each of those relationships that saddened and angered me,
i've come to remember in my heart why it was i was there in the first place
and let the power of that memory bring me to a place of forgiveness.

also knowing i will never let anyone treat my heart with manipulation or disrespect
helps me to walk forward. it was a collection of failures that i hope will lead me
to a future of success in the matters of the heart.

if only i was so forgiving of myself as i was them.
as what stands out now that the anger is gone is you.
i have so much regret for not protecting you.
for decisions that negated your beautiful naivity.
for choices that allowed your vulnerability to be taken advantage of.
for not standing up for you and not standing stronger in how your body should be treated.
you are so precious and beautiful and i did you wrong.
i feel like i failed you.

that is where i stand these days...trying to forgive myself and start again.

i can just imagine the me of ten years later looking back at this
seeing how much i yearned for love at 30 and didn't just trust it would come
seeing how precious and vulnerable and beautiful i was not only at 19 but at 30
and how there is always a moment that is perfect to start again.

so, sweet love, i'm sorry.
i know i'll do better for you.
and its time to move on to being a woman
and let the wounded girl go.

but i don't want to remember you as wounded.
i want to remember you standing tall with a heart shining pink like a rose quartz.
i want to think of you in your courageous moments, in the risks you took to love.
i want to think of you and your brightly coloured journals and big dreams.
for the last decade i missed you.
now i feel you here again in my authentic core.

i love you.

heart,
vivienne (age 31 in 17 days)

replacing the sore spots

if i could go back i would do it all differently
replacing the sore spots with generosity and dignity
i would be kinder, more forgiving and more humble.

~kinnie star...from the song 'water in me'

art-in-motion

i've been loving videos lately.
craving to make moving art.
feeling really inspired by such a vast diversity...

video a la sabrina:

i love sabrina's new 'true living' project and it sure does sing to my heart. seeing her work has got me so eager to turn my lil' camera onto video mode and start documenting the beauty of life as art.

joy nash is my new hero. i devoured every video she has up there. i think i need to watch these regularly cause they (and she, the way she exists so empowered in her body) bring me back to that place of loving myself as i am right now.


oh, the weepies. i really really love the 'making of hideaway' video the weepies made. and what surprised me was that even days later i was still thinking about one aspect of the video...seeing peoples creative spaces...where they make their music. mostly they weren't fancy and often in their homes. it brings home the notion that we need to make our art here, now. you don't need a fancy studio to make magic. you just need to do it. start. now! that got me moving things around in my home, making my art space more inviting and useful!


and this video reminds me that one's dreams sure-as-heaven-and-earth can come true. thats a dear pal of mine singing with cyndi lauper on the true colours tour. picture you and the person you admire most in your craft creating/performing/working together. dream big lovelies. here's the proof it can happen: