Saturday, November 01, 2008

behind and ahead

some moments this week it felt like i'd jumped back 2 or 3 years.
like i didn't know how to say no, or stand up for myself, or express my boundaries.
and it brought back a wee bit of that sadness that took so long to get rid of back then.

but i do have these skills now. its not the way i live my life anymore. so i put on my rubber boots and walked through that messy mud of who i have been to where its okay to be the woman i've become, even if she still doesn't know exactly who she is.

at the same time as jumping backwards, i'm also floored at how much i've gone forwards. i did a family photoshoot with one of my favourite families in this city, and was recalling our shoot last year (which was soon after i had gotten my DSLR). i had been super hard on myself last year after the shoot, didn't feel like i did a good enough job...rather than just letting myself be exactly where I was...a beginner. and this year, after a year of practice and more photoshoots than I can count on my fingers and toes, we had a really lovely time and got some great shots. and it wasn't perfect. its so challenging to shoot so many people at once, getting three kids under the age of 5 to focus on the camera at the same time (but they were troopers). at one point we went inside for hot chocolate and coffee and when we came back out I forgot to change the ISO back (which made the quality of the photos poor until I remembered to change it!). but i've gained enough confidence in myself and my photography in the last year that I'm going to give myself credit for how far i've come and not beat myself up for the fact that i still have a ways to go. thats why I love this art form....its continually confidence building and humbling and the same time!

are you giving yourself credit for how far you've come and letting there be kindness towards yourself in the ways there is simply just room to grow?


daisies said...

absolutely beautiful portrait and wonderful advice ... xoxo

Goddess of Leonie said...

hey beautiful woman...
i just wanted to give you major props for remembering to celebrate your journey...
and i reckon you haven't gone backwards about old issues, you've gone deeper into them to heal them on a deeper level ~
big love to you