how good did it feel

to watch people in the audience of a show hold their hearts as they listened.
to see 50 year old women jump out of their chairs and shake their booty in the aisles
to dance to some of the most empowering music i've heard in a long time
to get through the awkwardness to the place where i am dancing freely
to sit in the sun with an old friend and have many belly laughs
to see the way that man through his fist in the air with such emotion during a song
to witness the beauty of four grand tipis in the middle of the cityscape. incredible.
to share smiles with little humans.

amidst all challenges there have been glimpses of summer, being present in my life and bringing me back to myself. between all the stresses there are these things.
and they feel so good that they make up for all the rest.

why. how. what.

i don't know what to call it:
a spiritual crisis
my saturn return
post-traumatic healing
growing into real adulthood
being silent with myself
learning to sing again
meeting my shadow


maybe a bit of all of the above. all i know is that a new understanding of myself and the world is emerging in me. right now it doesn't feel so nice. i've been caught up in the 'why' on my tough days lately. why am i feeling this way? why am i letting go of the things that i have used to self-sabotage or blame? why am i seeing it all so differently? why do i suddenly feel what it is to have faith? why do i feel so alone? why can't it be easier? why does it feel like a brick wall sometimes? why is this process so slow?

the realizations are beautiful. the emotions are the ones that have been hiding from me. i am crying unexpectedly. i am screaming into my pillow sometimes.

i've been frustrated at not knowing how. how do i start healing this lil' big heart of mine? how do i protect it? how can i really be happy with myself? how can i make the lonely parts of me feel loved?

i don't know what the big picture is here. the what's.
what the purpose of it all is. what is the unconcious goal i am striving for?
what will i be when i get through this challenging path?
what happens after 30? what if this searching never ends?

no answers. many many questions. right now in this moment all i know is that i need so be silent, to sing, to honour my body, to rest and to challenge myself.
that seems like a good start to me.

in this moment

lessons in strange places

I'm finding all what I need to heal from a traumatic experience in the one place that most people told me to get far far away from...the place it happened. Back in december our home got broken into twice (within three days) and both times we were home. The first, I had just gotten back from a late shift at 3:30 a.m. and as soon as I had put on my p.j.s I went into the living room and saw someone coming in through my kitchen window. He stole two purses and then took off. No, the police didn't catch him.

Two nights later, he broke in through the lock in our front door with a crowbar. I was still at work that night, but my boyfriend at the time and my roomate were both woken up by the noise. The guy stole more money, and yes, it was the same guy from the description. No, robbers aren't suppose to come back! We had about 2 weeks before my roomie and I went away for xmas, and we found that we couldn't remotely sleep here. So, we stayed in hotels and at friends houses until we went away (yes, the cats came to the hotels with us!).

So, now it has been 3 weeks since I got back to this house and I'm finding the most important thing I feel like I can do to get over this is to be here. This surprises me but also makes so much sense. Sometimes it feels sore to be here, often I am a bit paranoid, slowly I am feeling better. I've struggled with the notion of being a victim for a long time. I've embraced it because it allowed me to be angry, I've rejected it because it was a place that I'd been for too long and because it was disempowering. I really don't like the fact that I was robbed, but if I had to get anything from it...it is helping me let go of victimhood and still be angry.

I am not leaving my home, I am going to reclaim it. I am not going to rush myself in healing from it...I'm going to be messy in it: a bit paranoid, obsessive about safety. I am going to feel better at some point, perhaps I will stop looking at all 20-30 year old white men, 6 feet tall with little facial hair as the possible robber. I won't stop protecting myself but I hope sometime to not be so scared.

After it happened my mom said something very new age to me which was so sweet (especially when most other people were behaving like a mother in my life...telling me what to do). She said "He may have taken your belongings, and taken your sense of safety, but he didn't take your life, your spirit, your sense of joy, your empowerment. You've still got those things". He didn't. It always irritates me when something bad happens and people say "everything happens for a reason" or "sometime this will all make sense" cause at the time one is too in the moment to think like that. Irritating as it may be. Its true.

i'm in love

with my cats.

when we reunited today i fell to my knees taken aback by how freaking tiny and adorable my kitters are. do me a favour...lift up your purse or a hardcover book....thats how light ladybug is. i spent the holidays visiting a collection of rather large cats in various cities which make me forget how petite my cats are.


all the way home (from victoria, across on the ferry to van) they were unusually quiet, cuddling and purring up a storm. this is highly unusual behaviour for them in a car...usually they are the meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow types. this time it only happened when we went over bridges (how do they know its a bridge? they always do).



so now here we are, safely nestled in the newness of our home, as they inspect every little and big change. i am so in love with these little peaches....they are my companions, support, cuddlers, purrmonsters and bestest of friends.

Madly, preciously, dedicatedly and deeply in love with my cats.

beauty in the breakdown

creating home

it feels like i'm doing this repeditively lately. perhaps i just haven't gotten it right up till now. i've been back in my home (the home that got robbed twice in the wee hours of morning while we were home, back in december) for 2 days so far and almost everything feels different from when i left it almost a month ago. after the robbery hil and i didn't live here. trucking the cats and our stuff to hotels and friends houses, we both just couldn't be here.

before i left i moved most of my stuff into hil's old room. today i cleaned up the rest of my belongings in the old room and i feel more settled in this new space than i did in 4 months in the other room. when i arrived here it was a whirlwind of newness and i don't think i even got a chance to get settled.

some people think i'm a bit bonkers for not moving out of this place. i didn't want to and now that i am back i feel good about living here. we are not an easy target anymore. there are bars, an alarm and many other contraptions to prevent anyone from getting in uninvited. i am physically safe. psychologically, i found i was a bit scared where ever i was over the holidays. its not just here.
when i flew back to vancouver i awaited my emotional reaction to being back here and when we landed one word emerged. Oppourtunity. There is much in this city for me. It may not be handed to me on a platter, and obviously there are things i need to get through to find home here, but there are things that are open for me to do well here in this city and i am ready to do the work to get them. I know the first step is being in this room, finding grounding in a place that once contained fear for me, to spend time alone, to get back in touch with who i am without crisis surrounding me.

there is beauty in the breakdown.