Thursday, January 05, 2006

beauty in the breakdown

creating home

it feels like i'm doing this repeditively lately. perhaps i just haven't gotten it right up till now. i've been back in my home (the home that got robbed twice in the wee hours of morning while we were home, back in december) for 2 days so far and almost everything feels different from when i left it almost a month ago. after the robbery hil and i didn't live here. trucking the cats and our stuff to hotels and friends houses, we both just couldn't be here.

before i left i moved most of my stuff into hil's old room. today i cleaned up the rest of my belongings in the old room and i feel more settled in this new space than i did in 4 months in the other room. when i arrived here it was a whirlwind of newness and i don't think i even got a chance to get settled.

some people think i'm a bit bonkers for not moving out of this place. i didn't want to and now that i am back i feel good about living here. we are not an easy target anymore. there are bars, an alarm and many other contraptions to prevent anyone from getting in uninvited. i am physically safe. psychologically, i found i was a bit scared where ever i was over the holidays. its not just here.
when i flew back to vancouver i awaited my emotional reaction to being back here and when we landed one word emerged. Oppourtunity. There is much in this city for me. It may not be handed to me on a platter, and obviously there are things i need to get through to find home here, but there are things that are open for me to do well here in this city and i am ready to do the work to get them. I know the first step is being in this room, finding grounding in a place that once contained fear for me, to spend time alone, to get back in touch with who i am without crisis surrounding me.

there is beauty in the breakdown.

No comments: