Friday, November 02, 2007
this week my spirit has felt so revived.
i realize it has been a year now since i emerged from my depression.
i remember feeling like that grey cloud that was following above my head cleared up and although it wasn't exactly blue skies and a rainbow, i could feel that the pressure of the storm was over.
the relief of the storm being over had left me feeling grateful but having no sense of who i was after having let go of some of the really toxic parts of who i had become.
i no longer take care of everyones needs before my own.
i no longer had the energy to offer to friendships that weren't mutual.
i no longer drew people into my life that were looking for someone to save them (and have learned the boundaries to say no, when such energy comes to me)
but who the hell was i without all that had so defined me before.
for the first few months i was so concious of how i took up space.
so awkward in social situations, not really knowing how to connect with people
since then i've been up and down (gently, not dramatically though...thankfully). I've spent a lot of time alone, sometimes needing it and sometimes resisting being social.
The biggest and most defining gifts of the year has been discovering photography. i didn't see this coming at all. and now i'm knee deep in something that has changed the way i exist in the world. Photography has given me a new voice to my identity. On those days that i couldn't be in the company of anyone but myself, it gave me a new friend to fall for. I think what i value the absolute most about this new love of mine is how it allows me to value every day...to connect with moments, to celebrate this details i could have otherwise missed....it slows things down to a pace in which i can appreciate each day.
so. this week its felt like another weight has lifted from my heart. i was able to be social without feeling like i needed to run home to recover from it. if you don't know me and met me in person, you might be surprised with all this talk of solitude that i'm actually a really outgoing person. i'm an outgoing introvert you could say, as i really get energized from being alone and although i often enjoy social encounters, i often feel drained from too much of it.
but i can't walk alone in the world.
nor do i want to.
its time to thrive.