dear body

dear body

this week has been a struggle
my mind feels like a hurricane and
my eyes are obviously a waterfall.
i accept that i need to take better care of you
all month long, every single day.

but please,
can ya just bleed already?

love vivienne

beautiful things

Self Portrait Challenge: what i wear (week four)

i love my necklace collection. though i never actually wear them all at once, as the picture called for...but nearly every day i am wearing at least one of them! that and earrings have become part of my 'uniform' of sorts.

my favourites include:

my joy necklace from superhero designs
my bird necklace i picked up at mabel & zora on alberta st. in portland
my zoecite and ruby necklace (the big green stone) that i got years ago on granville island
and the purple vintage beaded necklace that my mom gave me

check out more beauties and the things they wear here

Thoughts on Blogging

I've been kind of blog-absent lately. Life has been lovely and social and packed full of night shifts working with lovely sweet babies.

But also...

I've been pondering what role this blog has in my life. What I want from it, what I want to put into it, what it means to me.

After reading Keri Smith's post entitled 'warning: rant on blogging, read at your own risk' (look down the page a bit on this link for that title) a lot of these questions came to the surface that had rumbling beneath for a while.

I've been thinking about how much of this is 'ego'?
how much of it is wanting to be part of some blogging circle of women that all know each other and support one another?
how much of it is different now that people do occasionally read my blog...as opposed to when i started and it was almost a private journal of sorts?
where do i want this to go?

i do know why i read blogs. i am creatively inspired, i relate to life experiences and feel less alone, i love the way people tell stories, i am intruiged by their life experiences, i feel hopeful from reading blogs.

i expect i will always be a blog reader.

at the same time as pondering the future of ladyvivienne, i felt inspired to start not one...but two other blogs!

i've been realizing that it is becoming common for photographers to have a photo-blog...which is very inticing as it is a free way to show and showcase one's work. so i introduce to you: viva photography blog

the other new blog has arrisen out of a realization that my gluten intolerance is most likely celiac disease. i have been exploring a lot of celiac blogs and i'm loving how giving that community is with their recepies and experiences. i don't feel like there is a lot of room in my life to talk about living gluten-free, or should i say...i feel like i've talked so much about it to friends already that it doesn't feel like a subject i can talk much more about to them. to see this whole online community in which ALL they talk about is the deliciousness and beauty and challenges of living gluten free. so i would also like to introduce to you: deliciously alive. i do realize that i may be a bit of an outsider in that community...because i don't expect my blog to be offering recepies, but i do hope to give and recieve inspiration through it. i also don't want it to be only about celiac disease, but to be moreso about healing one's body and relationship to food.

i'm feeling very excited for both of these things.

i am sure i will keep posting here....i love participating in the Self Portrait Challenges, and sharing stories....and i will just keep on pondering what this blog means to me......

the adventures of a culture crawler

saturday.
a beautiful day
romping around in the rain
to my favourite building in vancouver (parker st. studios...aka the factory)
exploring 4 floors of artists spaces

being in the company of a dear friend that i haven't seen in 3 years.
i didn't realize how much i missed her till she was there with me again.
we've both done a lot of healing in the last few years
and said the words

authentic
honest
&
intention

throughout the day.

sunday.
sunshine and layer-wearing-cold
romping around Strathcona
each block having at least 2 studios

my words are falling short today.
so i'll tell you in pictures:

east side culture crawl

i am so excited for the east side culture crawl. Though i live far away on the west side...i am an east sider at heart. if you don't know vancouver....i'm sure there are similar neighbourhoods in your city: the artsy, young, cheaper rent, but sketchy in some parts east side and the fancy, lululemon wearing, pointy shoed, latte drinking west side.

The culture crawl is a big ol' open house of artists studios. there are painters, photographers, glassblowers, jewelers, writers, sculptors. It is gorgeous and inspiring to get a sneak peek into their lives as artists.

I'm particularly excited to get to the studio of the fellow who painted the first piece of art I purchased. Jordan Bent's art hits me...right there in the heart.

to see Sarah Race photography

and to check out the live/work art building the ARC that i've always admired from the outside!

and i'm just about bursting to get a chance to be inside what i often refer to as my 'favourite photo spot in vancouver' which is an old factory that is now art studios....called the Parker St. Studios as seen from the outside in the above picture.

i'm so ready to soak it all in!

Self Portrait Challenge: what i wear (week two)

i love my dansko red mary janes.
i got them on my birthday 4 years ago and although they make me feel purdy.
i had expected to do this post about my flowered rubber boots, but the beautiful wide open skies of today promoted purdy shoe wearing on the rare november day that my galoshes aren't necessary.

today was what i call one of my 'gentle days' in which i have to sleep off a night shift and feel low in energy. i like to try to be productive but also be gentle with the expectations i put on myself as being sleep deprived sure takes a lot outta you (as all you mammas out there know)!

so my photo walk (to the post office to get some v.i.p. packages out the door) turned into a gorgeous playful adventure. my red mary janes intice that i think!

check out more beautiful people expressing themselves through what they wear here.

dreamer

its not every day you meet two people you admire and they place a seed of inspiration in the palm of your hand.

it was a night unlike any other.

i went to see mel watson and sam lohs (of the band fruit) at the railway club.

i arrived early hoping to get a good seat from which to take pictures of the show. the venue was alreay packed although the doors had only recently opened. i abandoned my attempts to get a seat, but did notice that mel and sam where both at the merch table.

now i must tell you...although i've thanked sam a few times after shows, i've never been able to bring myself to talk to mel. but things have changed in my world in the last few months...the pedistals that i've put musicians on have been removed.

so off i went. i ended up chatting with the two of them for a good while. at one point i mentioned that i live gluten free and they both immediately decided that i needed to travel the world finding gluten restaurants and recipies and turn these writings and photographs into a book.

um. excuse me? did someone just speak my dream aloud?

in the last days my mind has been flooded with the development of this idea. pages of notes in my journal...ideas transforming the idea into a bit of a different shape...but one that feels authentic. its drastically scarey to think about such a big dream but to find ways that i can start the dream now and hold the vision of the potential future.
details to follow...

the show itself was phenomenal. i ended up sitting at the very front, just before the stage...the perfect spot for a girl and her camera. my lovely friend kris was along side. it was truly one of the best shows i've seen in ages. i love when the connection between performers and audience feels like a friendship. with these folks it so is. theres so much laughter and play.

oh, its a good life.

sing now. do it loud.

i was just listening to some breathtaking new versions of miss glenna's songs. she's an ol' music pal from the days that i used to perform a wee bit in victoria. her live shows are so amazing and these new versions are so lush and lovely.

i start singing along unconciously and immediately.
my eyes are closed soaking in all these new supporting sounds accompanying her strong voice.
getting lost in the beautiful moments that music allows for.
when everything else is gone except for
what is coming in through my ears
and how it feels in my heart.

i've been thinking about how kris carr of the crazysexycancer fame inspires me to dance wildly to a song each day. i've been doing this each day lately, but being drawn to songs that bring me to that centred place. that bring amazement, gratitude and even tears to the moment. my life lately is good. i am happy. but some days i crave so much more.

i crave more love in my life.
i crave more expression of the love that is already there....be that my love for music or photography.
i want love out loud. i want to live louder.

after singing along with glenna's four songs on myspace i had to take note of how comfortable i felt belting it out.
anyone who had lived with me, above or below me would be able to attest that i'm shy about belting it out. when i know no one can hear i turn the music louder, play guitar louder, sing sing sing louder.

it feels so right, so validating to know that i can belt it out here in my home without being self concious.
it validates that i am living in the right home.

perhaps its the frequent rockin' out on the grand piano that i hear upstairs.
or the unabashed singing i hear them do.
i'm so grateful that i can sing without fear here.

i'm beyond excited that in 2 nights i get to go see two of the members of one of my fave bands fruit at a lovely local bar. sooooo excited. i'm hoping to get a prime seat for some subtle live music picture taking. so looking forward to it. oh fruit...if you haven't heard of them i highly recommend going to their website jukebox and listening till you can help but admit you are smitten!

the night of her insistence

walking home in the rain today i started humming a song by a band i loved, but hadn't listened to since i started listening to my little pink ipod...my vast collection of cds has been very ignored. i put on one of the Wyrd Sister's albums Raw Voice and immediately knew what song i was craving.

you know those songs that immediately make you close your eyes, put your hand over your heart and sing? that make everything disappear but the lyrics and the melody.

and you know those songs that you've listened to so many times and have always appreciated the lyrics but all of a sudden they hit you in the heart and you feel like someone just sang the exact words your soul needed to hear?

this is the song.

Night of Her Insistence

By the Wyrd Sisters

she finally understood it
the sadness of her life
the weight of her emotion
the gravity of light
she looked into the back of her mind
to see where she had been
and all she saw was the secret
and she could not look in

all those years of waiting
all those years of trying too hard
all those years of failing
pushed her down too far
she wearies of the geographies
that tell her who she is
she chokes on her philosophies
and all that she has been

when she finally put her foot down
she put her fears down too
she left them by the back door
and through the night she flew
away from her emotions
away from tricks of time
away from cruel devotions
she left them all behind

it was the night of her insistence
it was the day she found her will
it was the dream she'd always harboured
and harboured still
it was the night of her configuration
all the pieces finally there
and in that light of transformation
she....

finally understood it
the sadness of her life
the weight of her emotion
the gravity of light
she looked beyond the back of her mind
to see where she had been
and there she saw the secret
and now she looked in

Self Portrait Challenge: what i wear (week one)

i love tutus. crinolines. layers and layers. especially pink ones.

not every day of course, but they have a super special place in my heart.

on rainy days in vancouver that are uninspiring for outdoor adventures, putting on my tutu and my winged tshirt makes me feel like the world is shiny despite the cloudy skies.

see more self portraits here.

thriving

this week my spirit has felt so revived.
i realize it has been a year now since i emerged from my depression.

i remember feeling like that grey cloud that was following above my head cleared up and although it wasn't exactly blue skies and a rainbow, i could feel that the pressure of the storm was over.

the relief of the storm being over had left me feeling grateful but having no sense of who i was after having let go of some of the really toxic parts of who i had become.

i no longer take care of everyones needs before my own.
i no longer had the energy to offer to friendships that weren't mutual.
i no longer drew people into my life that were looking for someone to save them (and have learned the boundaries to say no, when such energy comes to me)

but who the hell was i without all that had so defined me before.
for the first few months i was so concious of how i took up space.
so awkward in social situations, not really knowing how to connect with people

since then i've been up and down (gently, not dramatically though...thankfully). I've spent a lot of time alone, sometimes needing it and sometimes resisting being social.

The biggest and most defining gifts of the year has been discovering photography. i didn't see this coming at all. and now i'm knee deep in something that has changed the way i exist in the world. Photography has given me a new voice to my identity. On those days that i couldn't be in the company of anyone but myself, it gave me a new friend to fall for. I think what i value the absolute most about this new love of mine is how it allows me to value every day...to connect with moments, to celebrate this details i could have otherwise missed....it slows things down to a pace in which i can appreciate each day.

so. this week its felt like another weight has lifted from my heart. i was able to be social without feeling like i needed to run home to recover from it. if you don't know me and met me in person, you might be surprised with all this talk of solitude that i'm actually a really outgoing person. i'm an outgoing introvert you could say, as i really get energized from being alone and although i often enjoy social encounters, i often feel drained from too much of it.

but i can't walk alone in the world.
nor do i want to.

its time to thrive.

warmth

(click on the images for for a larger view)