Monday, June 20, 2005

loosening the grip and letting go.

The last month I've been in transition (no, not that kind of transition). I've been in month 10 of the which I've been psychotically busy doing far too much. The pressure of exams, thesis and homework have been over for the past month, but I still find myself at the same pace of the crazy busy lady. and i'm tired god-dammit.

But tonight was the start of the end of it, and I'm not so sure I'm ready for it to be over. Tonight was the graduation for my lay counsellor training group, and i cried most of the night. We are such a close knit amazing crew and it doesn't feel real that I won't be spending every monday night for the rest of my life with them. Are you sure we can't do that? Grad for GBI is next week and that is gonna be a whole other tear-a-thon. This hasn't been the most difficult year of my life, though it runs a close second, but it has been the most personally challenging. I've pushed my limits, worked my ass off, re-established my boundaries, cultivated more self-care, and finished what I started....and I know beyond a doubt it was all worth it.

So what do i do with all this. It feels a touch like that stage of mourning I experienced a couple months ago when alex died. In the first few days she was all I could think about and I spoke of not wanting to leave that stage of mourning yet, because it felt so raw and real, and I was scared of not being consumed by what I was experiencing, because I would have to let go and let it sink in that she is gone. It feels a bit like that, feeling so in the midst of all that is going on, but if I let myself emotionally comprehend that this stage is done, then I'll have to start to let go. And I'm bloody stubborn....not wanting to let go.
But it is time.
I have so much ahead too.
A summer of cultivating health, going to festivals, making music, celebrating victoria, the big saturn return 28th bday and then there is fall which will bring about a whole new chapter. I'm starting to get focused about my perinatal business, and in fact I am now the treasurer of the Global Birth Alumni Society. Yes, a treasurer that can't do math without a calculator. Yah, wish me luck, eh!

Lots of goodness coming my way.
Tonight at the beginning of our grad we did a meditation. The leader of the group gave us each a slip of paper with an insight of hers about us, to meditate on. Mine said:
Loosening my grip, loving with open hands and open heart.
So here I go....loosening the grip on the fear, letting change happen. Cause I don't actually want to stay still, it is just sometimes hard to let go.

No comments: