not the best way to wake up

i woke up at dawn this morning to the sound of a guy standing on the street corner outside my house screaming for a good 5 minutes about how women are bitches. I climbed down the ladder from my bed to sneak a peek at this asswipe. didn't really catch a glimpse unfortunately.

i'm really hoping that it isn't the return of the denman st. screaming guy. he hasn't been around for about a year, but he used to walk up and down the street between about 12 and 4 a.m. screaming in this really low voice but incredibly powerful. some mornings I'd get up at 7 to go for a run and still see him wandering on the streets. the guy this morning didn't have the same voice though.

i love fernwood, but some days, living one block away from the two scuzzy apartments on spring street does have its drawbacks.

sweet summer

I'm welcoming summer. Not with wide open arms, persay, but with a big nervous giggle that turns into a bouncy hug that catches you off guard. I'm feeling a bit awkward greeting summer. I've spent the past 10 months being sooooo concentrated on making sure I had enough time left in my stupidly busy schedule to have even one night alone per week. Mind you there were plenty of social moments, but with a small little network of folks. But now the season has officially changed and I feel like it isn't as nourishing as it was a few weeks ago to be in my little attic. So summer is here. Victoria folk fest starts in a few days and I'm telling everyone I can that they must go....K'OS....Ladysmith Black Mambazo....Jorane....and more for ten bucks....yes...ten bucks! and I've already got my tickets for Van folk fest with fruit....utah....xavier rud....sarah harmer....sigh.
I have some other plans for the summer...not quite as specific as a festival....
-to dance freely more (in a bar or on the grass at a festival...the later is easer of course, but I want to re-embrace shakin' it at any moment...anywhere)
-to let go of more possesions...and create a more simplistic home
-cleanse, detox, take care of my body. Take the 15 vitamins I would like to take every day!
-be more spontanious...go on picnics, take bike rides, talk to lovely strangers
-go places alone. I have a lovely network of people in Victoria and I forget sometimes how it feels to enter an event/space/theatre alone. I used to do that all the time in montreal and I miss how it challenges my confidence. Mind you, I usually know people there when I get to the event...but I want to be able to go places alone. Even go to events where I know I won't know anyone. Push the limits...
-And also celebrate my friends....I want to spend a lot of one on one time with people. I've taken a lot of personal space this year and have a lot of folks to catch up with. It wasn't nourishing for me to be social during this year and I'm glad I took that space, but I want to celebrate how blessed I feel for all the gems I have in my life.
-work on my perinatal business
-work on my body product business
-keep the songs flowing, perform and record
-keep strong and get prepared for what is coming up this fall
-make new friends
-take part in lots of full moon/ new moon and other spontaneous rituals
-allow myself space to be sad, grieve, change.
-make choices that nourish my body, sexuality, mind, spirit and visions. Don't be afraid of standing up for myself if I'm tested in making these choices ('cause o' how the universe loves to test us!!!)
Sweet summer. I've missed you while you've been gone, but was grateful for the respite.
Welcome back.

loosening the grip and letting go.

The last month I've been in transition (no, not that kind of transition). I've been in month 10 of the 10-month-plan....in which I've been psychotically busy doing far too much. The pressure of exams, thesis and homework have been over for the past month, but I still find myself at the same pace of the crazy busy lady. and i'm tired god-dammit.

But tonight was the start of the end of it, and I'm not so sure I'm ready for it to be over. Tonight was the graduation for my lay counsellor training group, and i cried most of the night. We are such a close knit amazing crew and it doesn't feel real that I won't be spending every monday night for the rest of my life with them. Are you sure we can't do that? Grad for GBI is next week and that is gonna be a whole other tear-a-thon. This hasn't been the most difficult year of my life, though it runs a close second, but it has been the most personally challenging. I've pushed my limits, worked my ass off, re-established my boundaries, cultivated more self-care, and finished what I started....and I know beyond a doubt it was all worth it.

So what do i do with all this. It feels a touch like that stage of mourning I experienced a couple months ago when alex died. In the first few days she was all I could think about and I spoke of not wanting to leave that stage of mourning yet, because it felt so raw and real, and I was scared of not being consumed by what I was experiencing, because I would have to let go and let it sink in that she is gone. It feels a bit like that, feeling so in the midst of all that is going on, but if I let myself emotionally comprehend that this stage is done, then I'll have to start to let go. And I'm bloody stubborn....not wanting to let go.
But it is time.
I have so much ahead too.
A summer of cultivating health, going to festivals, making music, celebrating victoria, the big saturn return 28th bday and then there is fall which will bring about a whole new chapter. I'm starting to get focused about my perinatal business, and in fact I am now the treasurer of the Global Birth Alumni Society. Yes, a treasurer that can't do math without a calculator. Yah, wish me luck, eh!

Lots of goodness coming my way.
Tonight at the beginning of our grad we did a meditation. The leader of the group gave us each a slip of paper with an insight of hers about us, to meditate on. Mine said:
Loosening my grip, loving with open hands and open heart.
So here I go....loosening the grip on the fear, letting change happen. Cause I don't actually want to stay still, it is just sometimes hard to let go.

lil' miss grumpy-pants

I have not taken part in that nasty habit that has come to regular thing lately. I have not taken part in 3 days. I feel strange. Strange and alive. I feel like everything is just that bit clearer, slower, breathing deeper. I just had the most amazing improv-writing session...the words were flowing like waves in a wild storm. I have also been knitting up a storm, putting my obsessive energy somewhere. Yet I have also been wearing some serious grumpy pants, causing me to decide to try to shake it off by re-organizing all of the movable furniture in my house (my bed and desk are not movable...but everything else got a shakin'). The grumpy pants are not completely gone, but have kind of transformed into a deep appreciation for being alone. I'm feeling so in love with my home, savouring this alone space while I have it. Savouring my journals....feeling the 19 year old little girl in love alive in me, the 22 year old feminist alive in me, the 24 year old starting new alive in me, the 24-26 year old tired, co-dependant, growing girl in me, the 27 year old adultish-focused-and-following-her-dreams-girl alive in me. I miss some of those other stage of my life who's stories I read in my journals. But I feel them all in me today. Some days they don't feel part of me and I feel as though I am one dimensional. So for today I am stomping around the apartment in my big boots, grumpy but layered in a history that doesn't feel like hiding.

Hopefully in a couple days the grumpy pants will come clean again. Not that I never want to drink and smoke again, but I don't want to do it to hide any part of myself. And the way I feel right now, if I don't ever do it again...I won't miss it.

Seize the day, I say!

In Andrea's post yesterday she spoke of her experience with believing in herself and taking risks to manifest your ideas/concepts/artistic projects. And i've got me a handfull of those dreams/plans that need to be believed in and manifested.

School is coming to a close, and though the summer looks only mildly busy, my mind is shifting back to those projects, like my body products, recording music, creative ideas i want to manifest...I've got a knitting project started, i'm working on a couple new songs, working on websites....and one of the biggest lessons i've learned this year is about nourishing myself first...cause i need to be capable of doing that before i can provide nourishment for others. and i'm getting better at it all the time.

andrea's post, along with thinking about a friend who recently passed away, have made me think about all those things that i want to say to people that i have yet to do. One such thing is i've wanted to send a bouquet of flowers to the grandmother of one of my childhood friends kate. for a number of summers when I was a kid, I would go up to their family cottage for a few weeks....where i saw northern lights, played lotsa tennis, and most importantly...made many lip synching videos to debbi gibson and tiffani, complete with dance routines. Although I went up to my own cottage and adored that, spending time at the O'hara's cottage was always an adventure, pushing this shy teen to be a bit more outgoing. I've wanted to thank Libs for those summers for ummm.....probably 13 years now! So, for the last half hour i've been searching the net for someone who can deliver the flowers to my little ontario town. Tomorrow I am going to send them....because you know what....one day I'm going to mourn that I didn't get to tell her what an awesome woman she is.
Seize the day, I say!