are you gonna show up?

work?
this is work being human. taking breaks from deep healing work turns into numbness and then smack....
right back into the deep-earth-moist-rich-soil-dirty-knees-hands-full-of-so-much-life.
too much sometimes to know where to start. where to start catalouging organisms in the soil, temperature, consistency, finding what is buried beneath it, which roots connect to which ancient trees. today i don't want to catalouge, quantify, or name. i just want to curl up in the rich soil, be a mess in it, leave cleaning up for later.
get to know the smell-taste-touch of it. cause the rest of it is work. this messyness isn't work. its being alive.
big realizations today. as you can tell!
big realizations about when i feel alive and when i shut down, when i am open or numb, when i close off and when i flood, when i am honouring or disrespecting others, and most importantly when i am passive and when i decide to 'show up' in my own life. really be present, authentic.

i've been described as aloof, an enigma. i never really understood why until today. i've come to understand from eyes outside my own skin the ways i shut down...close off... out of protection sometimes, out of fear others. i want to be present as much as i can be. i want to show up, show who i am, be interconnected, not just solitary.
i wanna 'show up' in this live, not just live through it.
and at the same time to honour that it is okay to be protect ourselves, to keep things private, to be solitary.
it is all welcome...