behind and ahead

some moments this week it felt like i'd jumped back 2 or 3 years.
like i didn't know how to say no, or stand up for myself, or express my boundaries.
and it brought back a wee bit of that sadness that took so long to get rid of back then.

but i do have these skills now. its not the way i live my life anymore. so i put on my rubber boots and walked through that messy mud of who i have been to where its okay to be the woman i've become, even if she still doesn't know exactly who she is.

at the same time as jumping backwards, i'm also floored at how much i've gone forwards. i did a family photoshoot with one of my favourite families in this city, and was recalling our shoot last year (which was soon after i had gotten my DSLR). i had been super hard on myself last year after the shoot, didn't feel like i did a good enough job...rather than just letting myself be exactly where I was...a beginner. and this year, after a year of practice and more photoshoots than I can count on my fingers and toes, we had a really lovely time and got some great shots. and it wasn't perfect. its so challenging to shoot so many people at once, getting three kids under the age of 5 to focus on the camera at the same time (but they were troopers). at one point we went inside for hot chocolate and coffee and when we came back out I forgot to change the ISO back (which made the quality of the photos poor until I remembered to change it!). but i've gained enough confidence in myself and my photography in the last year that I'm going to give myself credit for how far i've come and not beat myself up for the fact that i still have a ways to go. thats why I love this art form....its continually confidence building and humbling and the same time!

are you giving yourself credit for how far you've come and letting there be kindness towards yourself in the ways there is simply just room to grow?

a pretty cute week...

its been a pretty beautifully busy week of taking pictures of some of the cutest subjects possible!
sweet babies, lil' guys lookin' dapper in clothes without grass stains, cute new puppy friends....

i'm a woman of few words this week, so i'll leave you with some cuteness...

blogging outside the box

****I had written the core of this post last week and had yet to finish collecting resources and pressing ‘Publish’ but after reading a few very very very insightful posts yesterday I realized how important it was to me that I finish it, as well as to post things like this more often.****

i like boxes. big fan of them. i like fitting inside one sometimes and sometimes i need to kick their walls down.

it hits home every once in a while that though who i am authentically right here right now is the person i try and share through my blog, but there are bits of me that just don't fit in the box of this artful blogger kinda community. not that i feel like they wouldn't be welcomed by folks who may read my words....cause isn't this whole thing about being authentic and our messy true selves? a big part of how i spend my time is taking pictures, processing them, making art with paint and paper and reading artful books. but another part of my world is of vibrant radical, political yet down to earth movers-and-shakers and folks that live their life outside of the box of what the societal norm is.

so i was thinking about how i craved writing a post in which those parts of myself merged. and i've concluded that i want to share a list of creative inspirations that you probably won't read on many other blog and that you may not come across otherwise. perhaps its because they are queer, or fat, or very political, or very small and grassroots. perhaps its because they don't have the backing of a major label or they haven't been published. then again maybe they have but just don't fit into the norm. or maybe they are just outside the box of this creative blog community.

i want to try and fit outside the box more, color outside the artful lines, as that is really and truly me. And by not sharing the complexities of my world doesn’t serve me or anyone else. Although sometimes I feel quite different than most folks in this artful/creative corner of the blog world, those 3 post have given me the courage to post because things mean a lot to me, not because they might be well received.

The Collective Tarot:
~I just got my lil' hands on this deck recently and I've gotta tell you, they are so wonderful. I'd heard about them, about a group of artists on the west coast that were creating a tarot deck with symbols and archetypes that they felt represented them more, that had ethnic diversity, diverse bodies and better represented the way they walk in this world. I had wondered how this would turn out...would it look like a regular tarot deck? would working with it feel grounding and flow like other decks? yes yes and yes. its wonderful, beautiful and most importantly, magical.

graphic novels and comics:
this is a genre that i hadn't expected myself being drawn to. but lately i keep coming across comics and graphic novels that seriously take my breath away. Fun Home, Everyday Things, Persepholis, Rent Girl and i very much await the day when artist suzy malik (do check out the comic section of her website) and writer zoe whitall bring their graphic novel to the world.

art (i love art):
jennifer mercede. i became deeply smitten with jennifer's art when exploring alberta street in portland. i came home from that trip with my very own painting by her. and there is a gigantic one that i yearn to have on my wall one day. i love her playful, colourful, organic style.
jordan bent. jordan is definitely my favourite local artist. his work is so intense and emotive and quite prolific. plus (and surprisingly) his work is also still somewhat affordable. i'm very excited for the east side culture crawl and getting to visit his studio again. he sells his sketches (there are piles and piles of them) at the crawl and even a simple pen sketch of his is likely to move you.
christy road. i've seen christy's work for years in some anthologies and through sister spit and i can't get over how much i love her black and white images. she doesn't shy away from anything. its all there in her images. total admiration for her.
caroline barrientos. my friend caroline's art takes my breath away. she made me the most beautiful journal and sent it in a hand painted canvas envelope. i can't wait to see what else she will bring to the world.

i've realized as i'm putting this together that this is only just a beginning and i really can't put writing, poetry, fine art, graphic art, photography and music in one post. so i think this is officially part one of my 'resources outside the box' posts!

welcome

happy happy happy

I keep remembering one of my Guru's teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.

~elizabeth gilbert (from eat pray love)

i'm re-reading eat pray love and i must say its just as good the second time around. there are so many turned-down corners throughout the book, marking passages that i loved. i get mighty excited when i see one coming, as her nuggets of wisdom (or her guru's or richard from texas' or ketut liyer's) had a really profound effect on my work in creating and maintaining a life in which i am truly happy. there are still things i yearn to have in my life, but i don't want to take for granted that most days i am a mighty happy girl. and so thankful that girl in me is here to stay.

things making me happy right now:
~a preview for a movie i saw today called Happy-Go-Lucky got me real excited for flick that seems to celebrate happiness. looking forward to going to my favourite cinema to see it!
~waking up early and having a lazy start to the morning drinking tea and watching project runway australia on you tube
~a chat with my sister and making plans for a trip to portland next month (i LOVE portland)
~slowly simplifying my belongings. letting go feels wonderful
~working on pics for this months self portrait challenge and reconnecting with being my own model!
~primo cat cuddles and watching them bask in the sun
~the fact that i'm getting my hair cut on monday. i'm in dire need. i always walk taller with a new doo.

hope your weekend is wonderful.

two things of brilliant beauty

~this gorgeous lil' movie from the ever creative christine mason miller. it made me swoon.

~this news from a beautiful soul in australia. i've loved reading about their love through her blog and got all teary reading this!

life in motion

oh geez...i said i was gonna post more often and then took a week off! alas, life has been in motion...going to my dance class, running around after my favourite model as she climbed on top of trains and did aerial stunts on silks, going for walks and playing on swings with friends, swaying and bouncing at work with a lovely newborn baby girl and curling up lots with my kitters.

september is gone? it flew by for me. i didn't meet all my goals, but i did have a darn good month. i've been making lots of effort to connect with the lovely people in my life. coming back from my vacation, i've had a renewed perspective on what riches are already here around me. ever since i've been living here i've felt like i've been searching, searching, searching. it feels mighty good to be here, feet firmly planted and arms open to all that i may have been taking for granted.

here's a lil' glimpse into some of the photographic fun i've been having:

vivacious change

so, things are gonna be changing a wee bit around here. if you look at the top o' the page you'll see that they already are!

i'm taking baby steps and gigantic steps in wholeheartedly working towards my vision of making a living as a professional photographer. the last week has been a whirlwind of newsletter writing, address collecting, postcard ordering, brainstorming and mostly just giving myself pep talks about how 'i deserve to live the life i want to live' and that its time to leave my comfortable spot between failure and success where nothing much happens...and its time to see how grand life can be!

so, i'm going to let my blog come along for the ride and let my adventures in the photog business be shared here. i've been really enjoying some other photographers blogs lately and see them as mentors in where i want my business to be in a year. i thought about making a seperate blog to post client pics and business inspirations, but in reality i think its best to keep it all together. so it really just means that i'm likely to most more often (yahoo!) and share a lot more images with you. i won't stop sharing tidbits of my learnings and adventures...i just know that I'm not that good at keeping more than one blog active, so it'll have to be one big ol' happy blog of vivacious vivienne-ness.

to start of this new stage i thought i'd share some of the amazing photography resources that are out there:

~flickr. yes...i know everyone knows flickr...but do you know about the 'texture for layers' group and all the amazing textures and borders you can get there for free. its vast (so be prepared to get lost in textures for a bit)! also, a while back i started adding anyone that i felt inspired by on flickr as a contact. if you are feeling shy, i highly recommend pushing through your shyness and adding people who's work you admire! that way you get a daily dose of inspiraition when you go to your contacts page. its definitely my favourite part of the time i spend online!

~shutter sisters. again...you probably know about this one too. but if you don't, do not finish reading this post. go directly to shutter sisters and be prepared to wake up to inspiration every single day!
~pay-it-forward. i love this site so much. the online photography community is so generous!

~becker's [b] school blog and the new private school. beckers videos and posts are packed full of great business info. the new [b] school is open as of october and i'm excited to see what its all about!

~michelle black's 'the hideout'...a really fabulous forum for photographers. lots of photo challenges, interviews and opportunities to connect to and be inspired by other photographers.

~the pay-it-forward blog, full of photographer resources. there's some fab and free actions, textures, storyboards and templates. plus, its all in the spirit of giving!

~portfoliositez...the super wonderful company that i've gotten my website template through. they are incredibly helpful, totally affordable and especially by and for photographers. i have nothing but rave reviews of them!

~also, have you been to darlene's beautiful blog lately? her words and images are so stunning!

happy wednesday!

alive

Don't ask yourself what the world needs
Ask what makes you come alive
And then go do that
Because what the world needs
Is people who have come alive
-Gil Bailie

and this morning when i watched this video i cried the kind of tears that make me feel so alive.
the power that creativity has in uniting people just blows me away!

ordinary sparkling moments

during a few hours of free time in an otherwise very busy week
i knew exactly what needed to be done.

i needed to sit in the sunshine
on a pink blanket
eat gluten free banana bread
and read the gorgeous book (ordinary sparkling moments by christine mason miller) that just arrived on my doorstep.

i think i'll be ranting about the brilliance of the book for a long time.
its got so many transformative ideas whirling in my head.
pages filling up in my journal, further steps towards my creative dreams

at times i've wondered why it is that i blog and feel so drawn to this world of creative bloggers.
and lately its been so clear. these women are dreaming big and making it happen, valuing their creative endeavors, writing transformative words, challenging themselves and by living artful lives. its like checking in with mentors each day. being reminded of the authenticity i am continually walking towards.

and it makes it so much easier to believe in yourself when you witness so many women's journeys of walking strong in their own imperfect beautiful gracefulness.

giving dreams wings

i've had my website 'almost finished' for a few weeks now....holding onto it like it was a purdy feather cupped in my hand, a bit scared to give it up to the wind. but its time. since my vacay i've felt so much more trusting of my intuition, hopeful that all is happening as it should and very optimistic of change.

i've also spent the last few days reading a beautiful new book 'Taking Flight' by the lovely Kelly Rae Roberts and its given me much inspiration to let my creative dreams fly as they are meant to. her book has also brought about a 'whispering' that my creative spirit wants to paint. it wants to sing too for that matter (especially after singing with my sister in front of a campfire under the most beautiful starry sky)! photography has consumed for the last year (which i'm very thankful for) and my guitar sits lonely in the corner and my art desk is getting dusty. i don't know what weird logic made me think that i need to save all of my creative energy for one medium.

but at the same time i'm eager to move forward with photography. i'm gearing up to start advertising locally and to let add motion to this part of my life (and future). so without further ado....

welcome to:

Vivacious Photography

and do join the mailing list (in the top right corner) if you'd like to receive news in the future about my photography journey!
lots more news to come too. i'm still working on my Maternity/Newborn/Kidlet website and will have a big ol' Grand Opening when its all ready to fly!

wishing you a beautiful weekend!
heart,
v

home

home again. here in between two purring beings. total bliss.

home again. there watching the sunset with my parents, siblings and our new found folks that feel like family.

in those two weeks in the country i felt beautiful, free, at home, adventurous and surrounded by hope. i walked around the city today in flowy clothes, feeling the cottage life still strong in system.

stories to share. a very important one about healing and moving on.

but first, rest and more cat cuddles....

on holidays

i'm in toronto, anxiously awaiting my friends to wake up so we can continue the connecting, chatting and silliness. the two friends i'm staying with make me laugh more than anyone else in the world. tonight all of my toronto friends will gathered and i will likely feel like the luckiest girl ever surrounded by such unique, beautiful and quality human beings.

on sunday i will head up to owen sound to go to a folk fest with my mom (one i grew up going to, the first time being when i was a month old...yes...once upon a time i was that infant being welcomed into the world by music and being carried around by my hippy parents).

and then off to my mom's cottage in a lovely town called Southampton on the shore of Georgian Bay. I'll be there for most of two weeks along with the rest of the family. its been a while since we've all been together. i can barely wait for the sandy dunes, the beach swings, the cold water and the sunsets. i'll post pics if i can, but likely it will be a quiet two weeks with little internet and phone access. i could use that kind of quiet!

happy august and i hope the view from wherever you are is beautiful.

may your love light be so bright

what you dream in the morning, may you dream at night
may your love light be so bright it diminish the darkness
that comes without warning and in no particular way
and threatens to blow you away

i wish i could tell you all the pain's in your head
that it all would be better if you'd just do what they said
but if the voice that is talking is never your own
then who's going to tell you that you've finally come home

~ferron

this week has been....dare i say....magical.
i've seen so many beautiful live performances that has my heart swelling and the songs in me asking for attentiveness. the exchange of energy between performer and audience (especially in the small intimate venues i go to) is so beautiful. kind smiles, so much laughter, unabashed appreciation, singing along, tapping toes, rocking out.

and serenading me through these days is this song, which is titled with one of my favourite words ever. resilience.

YES

i've been pondering the word YES lately.
i know, a fairly simple three letter word we say dozens of times a day.
but you see...

for the last few years i've been working on connecting with the word NO.
my boundaries in life were dreadful and i've been working on building those walls where necessary and trusting my intuition when things are asked of me beyond my expected energetic output! during these years, the amount of energy i needed to keep for myself far outweighed what i had to give to others. it almost felt like i had 2 decades of excessive social output to recover from. but now i trust myself to make better choices and boundaries about what i have to give in this world. the part of me that is a 'giver' is finding different ways to give.

when i was first connecting with NO it was a very physical, tangible experience. if i didn't say it when my gut said to, I would get nauseous and my throat would feel constricted. this would happen multiple times a day. and it wouldn't go away till i dealt with what i needed to speak more truthfully about. i'm much better at saying NO now. it took serious practice to get it right, but now it comes easy.

but the need to say NO hasn't felt quite as important, now that it isn't such a difficult word to say to people. now that i'm not afraid of what their reaction to it will be. and putting up these boundaries has created a bit of a solitary protective existence for me, which served me quite well for a while. yet lately i've been wondering how to step out of these boundaries and take more risks again, trust that i won't fall into the arms of danger and will stay standing on my own two feet.

and so YES is re-entering my life.

when i think of YES, i can't help but recall this love story. it makes me cry every time i read it. i think of all the things that have manifested in these last few years and how much i want them to thrive once i truly let them out into the world. i think of how much of a romantic i am and that YES..i do want to meet and marry someone i can call MY LOVE. i think of all that i had dreamed that my life would be and how much more vibrant and beautiful it is turning out to be (even in my struggles).

so every day i am noticing how YES feels.

its not a ball of tension in my throat. rather it is singing with all i've got.
its not nausea. but its butterflies and blushing red cheeks as i welcome passion back into my life (or at least the prospect of it).
its engaged communication, generous smiles, kindness and being truthful.
and its that little dance i can't help but do (kind of a run on the spot pump my arms to the sky geeky kind of dance)

i'm not settling for contentment. i've got a heart that is slowly re-opening and a new way of being in this world.
though i will likely not tattoo it on my hand, i can already feel how much its thawing me.

its safe to let go again.
and its time.

so i say YES again to life.

folk fest revisited

thoughts on 31

31.
i confess it feels slightly different than 30. turning 30 was such a treat. it was a big sigh of relief after finally making it through the tumultuous 20's. and now i feel like i'm actually entering this decade of my life, not just celebrating on the cusp.
i'm happy to grow older (literally....i've always trusted i'd grow more and more into my self as i aged and feel less lost).

i look at this list from last year and realize i only did about 10 of the 30 things, but at the same time am amazed at how much beauty/growth/learning i packed into one year! making such a list is such a good jumping-off-point.

this year actually brought far more than i expected:
~feeling healthier and happier as the weeks went by
~continuing to develop my love for photography
~dreaming big and following through
~gaining so much confidence in taking pictures
~creating deeper connections with a few lovely friends
~going to school (part-time for photography) and loving it far more than i imagined (its the school part i sometimes struggle with)

goals for 31:
~keep listening to my intuition and taking care of myself
~embrace the travels and adventures this year holds (lots of time spent in california! and hopefully portland too)
~start to plan and manifest a trip overseas
~let spontaneity and passion back into my life and heart
~be open to love and connection
~open up more in friendships

and so it begins....

post-folk-fest-bliss

i'm riding the wave of post-folk-fest-bliss
with occasional moments of realization that i have to wait another year for those 3 days of bliss

days where everyone checks egos and insecurities at the festival gate
where its so easy to be present with the plucking of guitars and
people singing with everything they've got
and for those 3 days i truly feel at home.

one thing thats keeping me from the post-fest-blues is a new album
by ferron which is produced and accompanied by bitch. ferron is truly one of the most phenomenal songwriters ever (in my very picky opinion)! one of the goals of bitch (really...thats the name she goes by) making this album is to bring ferron's music to a younger generation and this album exceeded my expectations in that way. its true ferron with a little extra sass!

spending 3 days with beautiful friends
doing the 2 things i love the most (experiencing beautiful music and taking beautiful pictures)
has just filled me with some serious full-heartedness.
and to top it all off, i'm 1 sleep away from one of my toronto lovelies coming to visit
and 2 sleeps from turning 31!!!!

8 songs that get me through...

Inspired by the fabulous Magpie Girl I've compiled a list of 8 songs that
get me through the rough patches
help me breathe deeper
give me perspective
cry
not take it all so seriously
rise up and change
fill up the sore spots

8 songs that keep me going:

breathe in now ~ by george

sun again ~ by kinnie starr

you stay here ~ richard shindell

pick yer nose ~ ani difranco

mamma mamma ~ fruit

sing sing ~ serena ryder

rise again ~ stan rogers

what do you hear in these sounds ~ dar williams


you can go see them here

a love letter to an old friend

dear vivienne (age 19)

i think of you a lot sweet girl.

you stand at the edge of what will be the most tumultuous decade of your life
and i'm barely stopping myself from bombarding you with all the things that i did wrong
that i wish i could change for you. but i can't.

you are also standing at the threshold of opening your heart in a way you've only dreamed of.
and trust me, it will be as cosmic and powerful as you had hoped for.
i won't tell you the specifics of the ending, and i wish i could whisper a few secrets into your ear to get you through
your first heartbreak a little more in tact. i so wish i could do that.

throughout the next decade you might think of your future self in me
and wonder how it that we will ever get past the anger and hurt.
the truth is, at the end of my 30th year i've forgiven almost all of it.
from each of those relationships that saddened and angered me,
i've come to remember in my heart why it was i was there in the first place
and let the power of that memory bring me to a place of forgiveness.

also knowing i will never let anyone treat my heart with manipulation or disrespect
helps me to walk forward. it was a collection of failures that i hope will lead me
to a future of success in the matters of the heart.

if only i was so forgiving of myself as i was them.
as what stands out now that the anger is gone is you.
i have so much regret for not protecting you.
for decisions that negated your beautiful naivity.
for choices that allowed your vulnerability to be taken advantage of.
for not standing up for you and not standing stronger in how your body should be treated.
you are so precious and beautiful and i did you wrong.
i feel like i failed you.

that is where i stand these days...trying to forgive myself and start again.

i can just imagine the me of ten years later looking back at this
seeing how much i yearned for love at 30 and didn't just trust it would come
seeing how precious and vulnerable and beautiful i was not only at 19 but at 30
and how there is always a moment that is perfect to start again.

so, sweet love, i'm sorry.
i know i'll do better for you.
and its time to move on to being a woman
and let the wounded girl go.

but i don't want to remember you as wounded.
i want to remember you standing tall with a heart shining pink like a rose quartz.
i want to think of you in your courageous moments, in the risks you took to love.
i want to think of you and your brightly coloured journals and big dreams.
for the last decade i missed you.
now i feel you here again in my authentic core.

i love you.

heart,
vivienne (age 31 in 17 days)