not the best way to wake up

i woke up at dawn this morning to the sound of a guy standing on the street corner outside my house screaming for a good 5 minutes about how women are bitches. I climbed down the ladder from my bed to sneak a peek at this asswipe. didn't really catch a glimpse unfortunately.

i'm really hoping that it isn't the return of the denman st. screaming guy. he hasn't been around for about a year, but he used to walk up and down the street between about 12 and 4 a.m. screaming in this really low voice but incredibly powerful. some mornings I'd get up at 7 to go for a run and still see him wandering on the streets. the guy this morning didn't have the same voice though.

i love fernwood, but some days, living one block away from the two scuzzy apartments on spring street does have its drawbacks.

sweet summer

I'm welcoming summer. Not with wide open arms, persay, but with a big nervous giggle that turns into a bouncy hug that catches you off guard. I'm feeling a bit awkward greeting summer. I've spent the past 10 months being sooooo concentrated on making sure I had enough time left in my stupidly busy schedule to have even one night alone per week. Mind you there were plenty of social moments, but with a small little network of folks. But now the season has officially changed and I feel like it isn't as nourishing as it was a few weeks ago to be in my little attic. So summer is here. Victoria folk fest starts in a few days and I'm telling everyone I can that they must go....K'OS....Ladysmith Black Mambazo....Jorane....and more for ten bucks....yes...ten bucks! and I've already got my tickets for Van folk fest with fruit....utah....xavier rud....sarah harmer....sigh.
I have some other plans for the summer...not quite as specific as a festival....
-to dance freely more (in a bar or on the grass at a festival...the later is easer of course, but I want to re-embrace shakin' it at any moment...anywhere)
-to let go of more possesions...and create a more simplistic home
-cleanse, detox, take care of my body. Take the 15 vitamins I would like to take every day!
-be more spontanious...go on picnics, take bike rides, talk to lovely strangers
-go places alone. I have a lovely network of people in Victoria and I forget sometimes how it feels to enter an event/space/theatre alone. I used to do that all the time in montreal and I miss how it challenges my confidence. Mind you, I usually know people there when I get to the event...but I want to be able to go places alone. Even go to events where I know I won't know anyone. Push the limits...
-And also celebrate my friends....I want to spend a lot of one on one time with people. I've taken a lot of personal space this year and have a lot of folks to catch up with. It wasn't nourishing for me to be social during this year and I'm glad I took that space, but I want to celebrate how blessed I feel for all the gems I have in my life.
-work on my perinatal business
-work on my body product business
-keep the songs flowing, perform and record
-keep strong and get prepared for what is coming up this fall
-make new friends
-take part in lots of full moon/ new moon and other spontaneous rituals
-allow myself space to be sad, grieve, change.
-make choices that nourish my body, sexuality, mind, spirit and visions. Don't be afraid of standing up for myself if I'm tested in making these choices ('cause o' how the universe loves to test us!!!)
Sweet summer. I've missed you while you've been gone, but was grateful for the respite.
Welcome back.

loosening the grip and letting go.

The last month I've been in transition (no, not that kind of transition). I've been in month 10 of the 10-month-plan....in which I've been psychotically busy doing far too much. The pressure of exams, thesis and homework have been over for the past month, but I still find myself at the same pace of the crazy busy lady. and i'm tired god-dammit.

But tonight was the start of the end of it, and I'm not so sure I'm ready for it to be over. Tonight was the graduation for my lay counsellor training group, and i cried most of the night. We are such a close knit amazing crew and it doesn't feel real that I won't be spending every monday night for the rest of my life with them. Are you sure we can't do that? Grad for GBI is next week and that is gonna be a whole other tear-a-thon. This hasn't been the most difficult year of my life, though it runs a close second, but it has been the most personally challenging. I've pushed my limits, worked my ass off, re-established my boundaries, cultivated more self-care, and finished what I started....and I know beyond a doubt it was all worth it.

So what do i do with all this. It feels a touch like that stage of mourning I experienced a couple months ago when alex died. In the first few days she was all I could think about and I spoke of not wanting to leave that stage of mourning yet, because it felt so raw and real, and I was scared of not being consumed by what I was experiencing, because I would have to let go and let it sink in that she is gone. It feels a bit like that, feeling so in the midst of all that is going on, but if I let myself emotionally comprehend that this stage is done, then I'll have to start to let go. And I'm bloody stubborn....not wanting to let go.
But it is time.
I have so much ahead too.
A summer of cultivating health, going to festivals, making music, celebrating victoria, the big saturn return 28th bday and then there is fall which will bring about a whole new chapter. I'm starting to get focused about my perinatal business, and in fact I am now the treasurer of the Global Birth Alumni Society. Yes, a treasurer that can't do math without a calculator. Yah, wish me luck, eh!

Lots of goodness coming my way.
Tonight at the beginning of our grad we did a meditation. The leader of the group gave us each a slip of paper with an insight of hers about us, to meditate on. Mine said:
Loosening my grip, loving with open hands and open heart.
So here I go....loosening the grip on the fear, letting change happen. Cause I don't actually want to stay still, it is just sometimes hard to let go.

lil' miss grumpy-pants

I have not taken part in that nasty habit that has come to regular thing lately. I have not taken part in 3 days. I feel strange. Strange and alive. I feel like everything is just that bit clearer, slower, breathing deeper. I just had the most amazing improv-writing session...the words were flowing like waves in a wild storm. I have also been knitting up a storm, putting my obsessive energy somewhere. Yet I have also been wearing some serious grumpy pants, causing me to decide to try to shake it off by re-organizing all of the movable furniture in my house (my bed and desk are not movable...but everything else got a shakin'). The grumpy pants are not completely gone, but have kind of transformed into a deep appreciation for being alone. I'm feeling so in love with my home, savouring this alone space while I have it. Savouring my journals....feeling the 19 year old little girl in love alive in me, the 22 year old feminist alive in me, the 24 year old starting new alive in me, the 24-26 year old tired, co-dependant, growing girl in me, the 27 year old adultish-focused-and-following-her-dreams-girl alive in me. I miss some of those other stage of my life who's stories I read in my journals. But I feel them all in me today. Some days they don't feel part of me and I feel as though I am one dimensional. So for today I am stomping around the apartment in my big boots, grumpy but layered in a history that doesn't feel like hiding.

Hopefully in a couple days the grumpy pants will come clean again. Not that I never want to drink and smoke again, but I don't want to do it to hide any part of myself. And the way I feel right now, if I don't ever do it again...I won't miss it.

Seize the day, I say!

In Andrea's post yesterday she spoke of her experience with believing in herself and taking risks to manifest your ideas/concepts/artistic projects. And i've got me a handfull of those dreams/plans that need to be believed in and manifested.

School is coming to a close, and though the summer looks only mildly busy, my mind is shifting back to those projects, like my body products, recording music, creative ideas i want to manifest...I've got a knitting project started, i'm working on a couple new songs, working on websites....and one of the biggest lessons i've learned this year is about nourishing myself first...cause i need to be capable of doing that before i can provide nourishment for others. and i'm getting better at it all the time.

andrea's post, along with thinking about a friend who recently passed away, have made me think about all those things that i want to say to people that i have yet to do. One such thing is i've wanted to send a bouquet of flowers to the grandmother of one of my childhood friends kate. for a number of summers when I was a kid, I would go up to their family cottage for a few weeks....where i saw northern lights, played lotsa tennis, and most importantly...made many lip synching videos to debbi gibson and tiffani, complete with dance routines. Although I went up to my own cottage and adored that, spending time at the O'hara's cottage was always an adventure, pushing this shy teen to be a bit more outgoing. I've wanted to thank Libs for those summers for ummm.....probably 13 years now! So, for the last half hour i've been searching the net for someone who can deliver the flowers to my little ontario town. Tomorrow I am going to send them....because you know what....one day I'm going to mourn that I didn't get to tell her what an awesome woman she is.
Seize the day, I say!

counting the sleeps

6 until...
i hand in my thesis
16 until...
my exam is done
32 until...
victoria folk fest
36 until...
graduation
52 until...
folk fest....
98 until...
the big day....

saturn return

i just arrived home from 'couver after one of the most brilliant weekends. every moment of the 48 hours i was there tasted so sweet and i felt so present....just watching goodness unfold in my life. there has been so much change in the last week, so much is manifesting that is directing me forward in my life. i'm ready to move forward. i feel patient, without fear, ready to let myself greet success, with an open heart, with confidence.
i'm so looking forward to 28.
saturn return baby....
here i come.

third eye

I've had a sinus headache for the last two days and i am getting frustrated. i'm popping oil of oregano caps every two hours with no relief so far. when it gets to this point (yes...its only been 48 hours but it makes me pissy none the less) and nothing will work (even the dreaded tylenol) i've gotta look elsewhere for answers.

I'm doing this tree of life chakra process right now, where we spend 3 weeks working on each chakra, meditating and witnessing the manifestations that tend to happen in each chakra. And they have been...this past weekend there were so many things that manifested that have made a complete shift in my future and my self perceptions....changes that are outside of my normal patterns of behaviour and which are going to create drastic wonderful changes in my life...moving forward. I cannot elaborate at this point though...not online. It is still something that needs to remain in my journal and in discussion with my dear friends/family. But I tell ya...good things are goin' on!

Back to the chakra process....we are presently working in the third eye chakra...which likely has something to do with my headache. I often feel physical manifestations of the chakra while I am in it (ie. lower back pain in the sacral, my lungs/chest feeling open or closed in the heart chakra). So....what is blocked? What am I holding in my third eye? What am I unwilling to see? Is it even a block...or a physical reaction to all the release? It isn't a difficulty seeing my future (quite the opposite). This weekend was all about stepping out of old patterns....is this the low after the high? I'm going to spend tonight doing some painting/collage/singin'/writing...whatever manifests....and focus on believing in my ability to manifest my vision.

and if chakraness sounds like a foreign language to you...check out www.sacredcenters.com/chakras.html
for a little clarification.

change in the 'hood

fernwood is changing.
i'm unsure yet if for the better. it looks that way.
potentially good things
-there is a new kilt store, yes, kilts in fernwood, advertising traditional and functional kilts!
-there is supposed to be an ice cream shop opening up....i don't eat ice cream, but the potential is good! perhaps they'll have some gelatto!

lots has changed in the square this year...
-a new taco shoppe (cheap and unbelievably good tacos)
-the bead store opened...its lovely to have a creative energy to the hood
-the crack house across the way got emptied and boarded up and kids painted the boarded up windows with awesome art and grafitti
-there is a beautiful new mural depicting the square beside little fernwood

the other big change is that the thin edge, my favourite americano/pizza place is now under new ownership...i super liked the old owner chris, with his johnny cash/frank sinatra pics and the kinda tough assed attitude of the shop.
i'll deal with the change.
as long as wednesday still remains biker night.
there's nothin' like biking home from work to the street packed with harleys and a bunch of burly guys in leather filling the square.

65 sleeps until....

i'm freaking out...in an overjoyed way. i've been running around the apartment shouting 'YESSSSSSSSSS' for the last five minutes and the cats are getting scared. its almost midnight and i'm soooo excited about something that i don't think many of my friends would appreciate me calling them at midnight to tell them. cause i am obsessed with music. its the truth
AND
my the big excitement is that my absolute most favourite collection of musicians FRUIT is going to play the vancouver folk fest this summer. yes...that is what all the ruckus is about. and it is true i have seen them perform a multitude of times before....but never at folk fest (yes..they did play victoria folk fest a couple years ago but it was still in a bar).

perhaps i should explain how important folk fest is to me. all folk fests. i was brought up going to the summerfolk festival in owen sound....yes, i was that little infant being breastfed by the hippy mama in the shade under a big tree that you see at every fest...my love for music started way back when. every year we did folk fest and when i started off on my own i tried to catch folk fests wherever i could. the falcon ridge folk fest was an adventure i'd take on my birthday each summer...always taking a solo journey down to new york state to hear the likes of ani, karen savoca, kris delmhorst, lori mckenna the nields, greg brown, I must say it is the top of my list...both the brilliant lineups they score and the amazing settings.

but now that i've become a west coast kid, vancouver folk fest has been my mainstay. it is a dizzying weekend of bliss. it is dancing with candra (my 7 year old friend...the best person to dance with ever). it is spending time with alison and kim. it is the dizzying schedule of amazing performers...trying to figure out how i can see everyone...running between each of the 7 stages. it is being barefoot on the grass dancing. and it is that feeling of home that i find there....other than my own family...it is the most intense feeling of community, feeling that i belong.

so...i'm giddy with excitement. i can barely wait....
65 sleeps

open to any page

i open to any page and know exactly what is going on
i know the story that well even though it is not my own
i'm realizing how many books i reread and reread
these include:
the fifth sacred thing by starhawk
valencia by michelle tea
stone butch blues by leslie feinberg
rubyfruit jungle by rita mae brown
written on the body by jeanette winterson
and i confess briget jones: the edge of reason by helen fielding

the function of this immediate understanding of the storyline is
highly beneficial for me due to my extremely quick ability to
fall asleep. you see, i can read about one paragraph to two pages
before i'm out like a light. also note that the speed of my drifting
off to sleep creates a problem in terms of turning out the light.
most often i wake up at about 2 to turn off the light. i usually tell
people...if you see the light on in my little attic, i'm usually home so
just ring the bell...but truth be told i can't promise i'll be awake.
one of my past partners, as he was swooning me, when driving by
my house, if he noticed the light was on, would pop in, turn off the
light, give me a peck on the cheek and head home. purdy sweet.

but yes, i am not destined to be a library regular. it only leads to
more book purchasing. i like my own copies. that also means i'm
going to need to buy more bookshelves. i was talking to my friends
the other day about books being a status symbol. at first i didn't
relate to the concept, as they were talking about it in terms of academics,
the more books you have the more of a smartypants you get to be.
but then looking at my bookshelf, i can clearly confess that to be truth.
perhaps not in academia, but i do have and pride myself on the vast collection
of wicca/pagan books, evergrowing birth book collection and an almost near
complete collection of jeanette winterson and starhawk books. yes,
i too am a bookwhore.

new naked neighbours

i just went out on my porch
and as soon as i sat down
my newest neighbours and all their friends
came bounding out of the house
buck naked
i could hear them as they ran
around the block
and all came bounding home
i like my new neighbours

epiphany

i hate the word epiphany. but that is not what this post is about. i'll save that for a day i feel a bit less empowered and a little more bitter. that is not today.

i've been staring at the computer far too much...working on my thesis for my diploma, in which I am developing a childbirth education series. the epiphany came during this proces... it had a similar feeling to one i had about 8 years ago. that one was while on a two week kayak trip on lake superior. one day while having a hard day paddling i was thinking about all of the diverse things I had done so far in my life and how they all came together. and then it all clicked. i knew what i wanted to do with my life....and what stood out was the common thread throughout my experiences that I had never noticed.

8 years later things have shifted. i am not in the outdoor education field which I had studied for years. i've been pretty hard on myself about that. after leaving tbay I didn't want to talk/hear/read about outdoor education again for a while. and then five years passed. in those years i've been constantly studying...everything metaphysical, herbalism, counselling and now the perinatal field at GBI.

oh...so yes, the epiphany. i realized today as i was preparing my childbirth education series that what I was doing was experiential education....and preparing a workshop brings me back even earlier to high school...when i co-led a number of workshops....its a returning to self. i had felt like that self that lived in tbay had disappeared from the community that is me. she was hiding out.

in the same vein of thought...this week i wrote a song about the first time i fell in love. i have not been able to write about that moment without the song ending with 'and then you broke my fucking heart and i'm still mad at you". but i've come to a place of forgiveness in the last year with that relationship...and then the song came out....just that moment in its perfection....

these are both returning to the girl from tbay. i've missed her.

on a completely different topic: my teenagecrush-like infatuation with mel watson of the band fruit has flared up again. can you blame me?

songs that get me all veclempt

its been happening frequently lately. i'll be walking to work or running around the track with my headphones on and my throat gets all tight and my eyes get to the verge of pourage...sometimes even flowing out some tear action...all because of the beauty of music. often it is the content, the way they sing it....so here are the beautiful culprits of my veclemptness...

you stay here - richard shindell
corner talk - pogirl
bomb the world (armagedon version) - Micheal Franti and Spearhead
soak- melisse lafrance
upon my altar- wyrd sisters
softly to the ground- sarah metzner
i saw a bird fly away- dar williams

this weekend has been so surprisingly enriching.
I approached it with caution as I had way overbooked myself with social events each night, while my gut was that I would just want to be alone each night, with a book and a bath. But as saturday and sunday night each approached I was aware that each of the events would be more nourishing than I would have with a quiet eve at home. Sometimes that is not the case, but this time my gut was clear on that.
There were many things I adored about this weekend, but one of the things that stands out the most was that we are grown ups now! At the sleep over night in the country at C & M's the party was a ruckus extrordonaire, but truth be told, the whole party crashed at midnight, and tonight was a lovely dinner party at A & E & A's i headed home at the reasonable hour of 9:30.... good lord we are bloody responsible! these both worked with my 7 a.m. rising schedule but still allowed for two fucking beautiful social evenings. Call me a grown up, but it seems we can party and sleep! What a concept!

its a miracle. i have nothing to do!

tomorrow i have nothing to do.
do you realize what a fucking miracle that is!
for months...everyday off i've had has been filled with essays or appointments or meetings.
the odd day off i'd get drunk the night before and mess up a day off with a hangover, but not this eve....i have mild plans which include listening to the cbc all morning (which is normal for me) but what is not an everyday occurance is my friend kristin is going to be on 'sounds like canada' between 10 and 11:45. pretty damn cool. also...i will be biking to some far off beach with a friend to lounge. i cannot explain to you how much i need one of these days...to slow down.
what happened to lazy days?
how come there are so few of them?
when can i go on vacation?
truth be told. i'm pretty damn excited by all the reasons my life is so busy. i am motivated about my life and all that i'm doing. its worth it.
but oh lordy i'm not going to miss the absense of the alarm clock tomorrow!

i have remembered
in the way you recall in each cell and the blockage that was there just burst open and your whole body is fluid....starting with the eyes. then it turns to air and leaves from your pores smelling of the past. i have remembered what i lost i don't know how long ago. i slowly became disempowered and i let it go. its true no one makes you feel inferior without your consent. and i consented.
i have remembered that i am precious. i have built up a thick skin and forgotten what needed to be protected.
and the way to this preciousness.
is music.
is laughter.
and those pathways to self are mine alone.

and so we take the stage...

SWAG Fundraiser
Saturday March 5, 2005
At the SUNSET LOUNGE
(on Herald St. by Store St....just behind Value Village.)
Show starts at 8
Cover is $4 and it's a kid-friendly event!
so, i messed up my computer and haven't been able to get it fixed yet, so i can't update my website...thus...i'll have to do my updates here....

this weekend i'm playing a show...its been a couple months since my last one, and i'm excited to get back at it. so here's the info for what is in store for you:

performers include:

jenny cupcake
sweet-vocal-improv-storytelling. ms cupcake radiates positive heart energy to everyone in her path. she'll take your breath away.

vivienne
i'll be accompanied this saturday by leif nordholm of brix n' lay. how to describe myself? well, you'll get some ode-to-the-goddess-action/comedic-tunes/unexpected vocals mixed in with the storytelling-leo i am!

glenna
the piano stylings, powerful vocals and raw poetics of glenna are something undescribable. described as "...raw, emotional and utterly captivating..." she sure is. her music is an experience unto itself and i promise you will be blown away.

kristin sweetland
we are blessed to have miss sweetland back on the island this winter before she takes off again in her magical van travelling this fine country. described as "a monster of a guitarist and a goldmine of a mind" she sure is something else. she is honestly the most brilliant guitar player i have ever seen of any gender, sings beautiful tales of heartbreak, mythology, mysticism....she's simply magnificent.

be well.
love V

i am ready

i am ready to heal. i am ready to stop self-sabatoging. i am ready to love again.
i am ready to sing fully. i am ready to be proud of my body. i am ready to tell you my truths.
i have been recouperating from my life for two years. resting in my loft bed in the fetal position, cats purring by my ear. focusing on opening my heart again and not shutting it down. it is late and i am tired. i have been crying, thinking about past love, past hurt and how i can heal it in the present. i am ready for that too.
i am ready to show up in my own life.

on being a femme

after a winter of hibernation....i am emerging.
this past week has been packed full of social sweets, making new friends, intimate house parties and purposeful gatherings. it is so lovely to be in the company of people i adore, people i totally want to spend more time with and people that are just radiant!

tonight i went with some of my lovelies to see one of my fav authors, Anna Camilleri
Anna was doing a performance piece called 'Sound Siren Red' which is based on her new book
'I am a Red Dress'. It was beautiful, jarring, chilling, magical and pure beauty and depth. it was a lovely evening altogether and I was in bliss looking around at the audience....strong strong femmes, dykes, students, professors, girls, boys, bois, butches and everything in between. Especially the femmes. Anna spoke something in the question period that I have resonated with for years but speak of rarely. Being a femme is identity separate from sexual orientation. I began to explore my femme identity years ago when I began to learn more about trans issues and began to look deeper into my own gender identity. Being a femme can be a highly visible yet totally invisible place to be. It doesn't clearly identify me with the queer community, but also, being a femme like me, doesn't clearly identify me in the straight world either. I like it there.

Being a femme like me means i can wear gingham shirts and rolled up pants, tutus and army boots, knee high shit kickers and carry a zebra print bag, it means i can wear no make up and many hats. it means nothing in terms of categories and means more than i can explain to you.

I was surrounded by so much loveliness tonight. I adore the people I have in my life and those that are emerging into it. In this uber socialness I have been finding myself replenished in these settings, something that is not particularly normal. I tend to replenish myself alone. It seems these days seek a bit of both. So tommorrow night I have a date. With the best feline-femme imaginable...the great ladybug and my tranny-kat extrordonaire elliot. We will be sitting in the orange chair, by the orange curtains, reading the new jeanette winterson, crooning to the new richard shindell and purring. Ah, the good life.