6 until...
i hand in my thesis
16 until...
my exam is done
32 until...
victoria folk fest
36 until...
graduation
52 until...
folk fest....
98 until...
the big day....
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
saturn return
i just arrived home from 'couver after one of the most brilliant weekends. every moment of the 48 hours i was there tasted so sweet and i felt so present....just watching goodness unfold in my life. there has been so much change in the last week, so much is manifesting that is directing me forward in my life. i'm ready to move forward. i feel patient, without fear, ready to let myself greet success, with an open heart, with confidence.
i'm so looking forward to 28.
saturn return baby....
here i come.
i'm so looking forward to 28.
saturn return baby....
here i come.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
third eye
I've had a sinus headache for the last two days and i am getting frustrated. i'm popping oil of oregano caps every two hours with no relief so far. when it gets to this point (yes...its only been 48 hours but it makes me pissy none the less) and nothing will work (even the dreaded tylenol) i've gotta look elsewhere for answers.
I'm doing this tree of life chakra process right now, where we spend 3 weeks working on each chakra, meditating and witnessing the manifestations that tend to happen in each chakra. And they have been...this past weekend there were so many things that manifested that have made a complete shift in my future and my self perceptions....changes that are outside of my normal patterns of behaviour and which are going to create drastic wonderful changes in my life...moving forward. I cannot elaborate at this point though...not online. It is still something that needs to remain in my journal and in discussion with my dear friends/family. But I tell ya...good things are goin' on!
Back to the chakra process....we are presently working in the third eye chakra...which likely has something to do with my headache. I often feel physical manifestations of the chakra while I am in it (ie. lower back pain in the sacral, my lungs/chest feeling open or closed in the heart chakra). So....what is blocked? What am I holding in my third eye? What am I unwilling to see? Is it even a block...or a physical reaction to all the release? It isn't a difficulty seeing my future (quite the opposite). This weekend was all about stepping out of old patterns....is this the low after the high? I'm going to spend tonight doing some painting/collage/singin'/writing...whatever manifests....and focus on believing in my ability to manifest my vision.
and if chakraness sounds like a foreign language to you...check out www.sacredcenters.com/chakras.html
for a little clarification.
I'm doing this tree of life chakra process right now, where we spend 3 weeks working on each chakra, meditating and witnessing the manifestations that tend to happen in each chakra. And they have been...this past weekend there were so many things that manifested that have made a complete shift in my future and my self perceptions....changes that are outside of my normal patterns of behaviour and which are going to create drastic wonderful changes in my life...moving forward. I cannot elaborate at this point though...not online. It is still something that needs to remain in my journal and in discussion with my dear friends/family. But I tell ya...good things are goin' on!
Back to the chakra process....we are presently working in the third eye chakra...which likely has something to do with my headache. I often feel physical manifestations of the chakra while I am in it (ie. lower back pain in the sacral, my lungs/chest feeling open or closed in the heart chakra). So....what is blocked? What am I holding in my third eye? What am I unwilling to see? Is it even a block...or a physical reaction to all the release? It isn't a difficulty seeing my future (quite the opposite). This weekend was all about stepping out of old patterns....is this the low after the high? I'm going to spend tonight doing some painting/collage/singin'/writing...whatever manifests....and focus on believing in my ability to manifest my vision.
and if chakraness sounds like a foreign language to you...check out www.sacredcenters.com/chakras.html
for a little clarification.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
change in the 'hood
fernwood is changing.
i'm unsure yet if for the better. it looks that way.
potentially good things
-there is a new kilt store, yes, kilts in fernwood, advertising traditional and functional kilts!
-there is supposed to be an ice cream shop opening up....i don't eat ice cream, but the potential is good! perhaps they'll have some gelatto!
lots has changed in the square this year...
-a new taco shoppe (cheap and unbelievably good tacos)
-the bead store opened...its lovely to have a creative energy to the hood
-the crack house across the way got emptied and boarded up and kids painted the boarded up windows with awesome art and grafitti
-there is a beautiful new mural depicting the square beside little fernwood
the other big change is that the thin edge, my favourite americano/pizza place is now under new ownership...i super liked the old owner chris, with his johnny cash/frank sinatra pics and the kinda tough assed attitude of the shop.
i'll deal with the change.
as long as wednesday still remains biker night.
there's nothin' like biking home from work to the street packed with harleys and a bunch of burly guys in leather filling the square.
i'm unsure yet if for the better. it looks that way.
potentially good things
-there is a new kilt store, yes, kilts in fernwood, advertising traditional and functional kilts!
-there is supposed to be an ice cream shop opening up....i don't eat ice cream, but the potential is good! perhaps they'll have some gelatto!
lots has changed in the square this year...
-a new taco shoppe (cheap and unbelievably good tacos)
-the bead store opened...its lovely to have a creative energy to the hood
-the crack house across the way got emptied and boarded up and kids painted the boarded up windows with awesome art and grafitti
-there is a beautiful new mural depicting the square beside little fernwood
the other big change is that the thin edge, my favourite americano/pizza place is now under new ownership...i super liked the old owner chris, with his johnny cash/frank sinatra pics and the kinda tough assed attitude of the shop.
i'll deal with the change.
as long as wednesday still remains biker night.
there's nothin' like biking home from work to the street packed with harleys and a bunch of burly guys in leather filling the square.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
65 sleeps until....
i'm freaking out...in an overjoyed way. i've been running around the apartment shouting 'YESSSSSSSSSS' for the last five minutes and the cats are getting scared. its almost midnight and i'm soooo excited about something that i don't think many of my friends would appreciate me calling them at midnight to tell them. cause i am obsessed with music. its the truth
AND
my the big excitement is that my absolute most favourite collection of musicians FRUIT is going to play the vancouver folk fest this summer. yes...that is what all the ruckus is about. and it is true i have seen them perform a multitude of times before....but never at folk fest (yes..they did play victoria folk fest a couple years ago but it was still in a bar).
perhaps i should explain how important folk fest is to me. all folk fests. i was brought up going to the summerfolk festival in owen sound....yes, i was that little infant being breastfed by the hippy mama in the shade under a big tree that you see at every fest...my love for music started way back when. every year we did folk fest and when i started off on my own i tried to catch folk fests wherever i could. the falcon ridge folk fest was an adventure i'd take on my birthday each summer...always taking a solo journey down to new york state to hear the likes of ani, karen savoca, kris delmhorst, lori mckenna the nields, greg brown, I must say it is the top of my list...both the brilliant lineups they score and the amazing settings.
but now that i've become a west coast kid, vancouver folk fest has been my mainstay. it is a dizzying weekend of bliss. it is dancing with candra (my 7 year old friend...the best person to dance with ever). it is spending time with alison and kim. it is the dizzying schedule of amazing performers...trying to figure out how i can see everyone...running between each of the 7 stages. it is being barefoot on the grass dancing. and it is that feeling of home that i find there....other than my own family...it is the most intense feeling of community, feeling that i belong.
so...i'm giddy with excitement. i can barely wait....
65 sleeps
AND
my the big excitement is that my absolute most favourite collection of musicians FRUIT is going to play the vancouver folk fest this summer. yes...that is what all the ruckus is about. and it is true i have seen them perform a multitude of times before....but never at folk fest (yes..they did play victoria folk fest a couple years ago but it was still in a bar).
perhaps i should explain how important folk fest is to me. all folk fests. i was brought up going to the summerfolk festival in owen sound....yes, i was that little infant being breastfed by the hippy mama in the shade under a big tree that you see at every fest...my love for music started way back when. every year we did folk fest and when i started off on my own i tried to catch folk fests wherever i could. the falcon ridge folk fest was an adventure i'd take on my birthday each summer...always taking a solo journey down to new york state to hear the likes of ani, karen savoca, kris delmhorst, lori mckenna the nields, greg brown, I must say it is the top of my list...both the brilliant lineups they score and the amazing settings.
but now that i've become a west coast kid, vancouver folk fest has been my mainstay. it is a dizzying weekend of bliss. it is dancing with candra (my 7 year old friend...the best person to dance with ever). it is spending time with alison and kim. it is the dizzying schedule of amazing performers...trying to figure out how i can see everyone...running between each of the 7 stages. it is being barefoot on the grass dancing. and it is that feeling of home that i find there....other than my own family...it is the most intense feeling of community, feeling that i belong.
so...i'm giddy with excitement. i can barely wait....
65 sleeps
Thursday, May 05, 2005
open to any page
i open to any page and know exactly what is going on
i know the story that well even though it is not my own
i'm realizing how many books i reread and reread
these include:
the fifth sacred thing by starhawk
valencia by michelle tea
stone butch blues by leslie feinberg
rubyfruit jungle by rita mae brown
written on the body by jeanette winterson
and i confess briget jones: the edge of reason by helen fielding
the function of this immediate understanding of the storyline is
highly beneficial for me due to my extremely quick ability to
fall asleep. you see, i can read about one paragraph to two pages
before i'm out like a light. also note that the speed of my drifting
off to sleep creates a problem in terms of turning out the light.
most often i wake up at about 2 to turn off the light. i usually tell
people...if you see the light on in my little attic, i'm usually home so
just ring the bell...but truth be told i can't promise i'll be awake.
one of my past partners, as he was swooning me, when driving by
my house, if he noticed the light was on, would pop in, turn off the
light, give me a peck on the cheek and head home. purdy sweet.
but yes, i am not destined to be a library regular. it only leads to
more book purchasing. i like my own copies. that also means i'm
going to need to buy more bookshelves. i was talking to my friends
the other day about books being a status symbol. at first i didn't
relate to the concept, as they were talking about it in terms of academics,
the more books you have the more of a smartypants you get to be.
but then looking at my bookshelf, i can clearly confess that to be truth.
perhaps not in academia, but i do have and pride myself on the vast collection
of wicca/pagan books, evergrowing birth book collection and an almost near
complete collection of jeanette winterson and starhawk books. yes,
i too am a bookwhore.
i know the story that well even though it is not my own
i'm realizing how many books i reread and reread
these include:
the fifth sacred thing by starhawk
valencia by michelle tea
stone butch blues by leslie feinberg
rubyfruit jungle by rita mae brown
written on the body by jeanette winterson
and i confess briget jones: the edge of reason by helen fielding
the function of this immediate understanding of the storyline is
highly beneficial for me due to my extremely quick ability to
fall asleep. you see, i can read about one paragraph to two pages
before i'm out like a light. also note that the speed of my drifting
off to sleep creates a problem in terms of turning out the light.
most often i wake up at about 2 to turn off the light. i usually tell
people...if you see the light on in my little attic, i'm usually home so
just ring the bell...but truth be told i can't promise i'll be awake.
one of my past partners, as he was swooning me, when driving by
my house, if he noticed the light was on, would pop in, turn off the
light, give me a peck on the cheek and head home. purdy sweet.
but yes, i am not destined to be a library regular. it only leads to
more book purchasing. i like my own copies. that also means i'm
going to need to buy more bookshelves. i was talking to my friends
the other day about books being a status symbol. at first i didn't
relate to the concept, as they were talking about it in terms of academics,
the more books you have the more of a smartypants you get to be.
but then looking at my bookshelf, i can clearly confess that to be truth.
perhaps not in academia, but i do have and pride myself on the vast collection
of wicca/pagan books, evergrowing birth book collection and an almost near
complete collection of jeanette winterson and starhawk books. yes,
i too am a bookwhore.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
new naked neighbours
i just went out on my porch
and as soon as i sat down
my newest neighbours and all their friends
came bounding out of the house
buck naked
i could hear them as they ran
around the block
and all came bounding home
i like my new neighbours
and as soon as i sat down
my newest neighbours and all their friends
came bounding out of the house
buck naked
i could hear them as they ran
around the block
and all came bounding home
i like my new neighbours
Thursday, April 07, 2005
epiphany
i hate the word epiphany. but that is not what this post is about. i'll save that for a day i feel a bit less empowered and a little more bitter. that is not today.
i've been staring at the computer far too much...working on my thesis for my diploma, in which I am developing a childbirth education series. the epiphany came during this proces... it had a similar feeling to one i had about 8 years ago. that one was while on a two week kayak trip on lake superior. one day while having a hard day paddling i was thinking about all of the diverse things I had done so far in my life and how they all came together. and then it all clicked. i knew what i wanted to do with my life....and what stood out was the common thread throughout my experiences that I had never noticed.
8 years later things have shifted. i am not in the outdoor education field which I had studied for years. i've been pretty hard on myself about that. after leaving tbay I didn't want to talk/hear/read about outdoor education again for a while. and then five years passed. in those years i've been constantly studying...everything metaphysical, herbalism, counselling and now the perinatal field at GBI.
oh...so yes, the epiphany. i realized today as i was preparing my childbirth education series that what I was doing was experiential education....and preparing a workshop brings me back even earlier to high school...when i co-led a number of workshops....its a returning to self. i had felt like that self that lived in tbay had disappeared from the community that is me. she was hiding out.
in the same vein of thought...this week i wrote a song about the first time i fell in love. i have not been able to write about that moment without the song ending with 'and then you broke my fucking heart and i'm still mad at you". but i've come to a place of forgiveness in the last year with that relationship...and then the song came out....just that moment in its perfection....
these are both returning to the girl from tbay. i've missed her.
on a completely different topic: my teenagecrush-like infatuation with mel watson of the band fruit has flared up again. can you blame me?
i've been staring at the computer far too much...working on my thesis for my diploma, in which I am developing a childbirth education series. the epiphany came during this proces... it had a similar feeling to one i had about 8 years ago. that one was while on a two week kayak trip on lake superior. one day while having a hard day paddling i was thinking about all of the diverse things I had done so far in my life and how they all came together. and then it all clicked. i knew what i wanted to do with my life....and what stood out was the common thread throughout my experiences that I had never noticed.
8 years later things have shifted. i am not in the outdoor education field which I had studied for years. i've been pretty hard on myself about that. after leaving tbay I didn't want to talk/hear/read about outdoor education again for a while. and then five years passed. in those years i've been constantly studying...everything metaphysical, herbalism, counselling and now the perinatal field at GBI.
oh...so yes, the epiphany. i realized today as i was preparing my childbirth education series that what I was doing was experiential education....and preparing a workshop brings me back even earlier to high school...when i co-led a number of workshops....its a returning to self. i had felt like that self that lived in tbay had disappeared from the community that is me. she was hiding out.
in the same vein of thought...this week i wrote a song about the first time i fell in love. i have not been able to write about that moment without the song ending with 'and then you broke my fucking heart and i'm still mad at you". but i've come to a place of forgiveness in the last year with that relationship...and then the song came out....just that moment in its perfection....
these are both returning to the girl from tbay. i've missed her.
on a completely different topic: my teenagecrush-like infatuation with mel watson of the band fruit has flared up again. can you blame me?
Thursday, March 31, 2005
songs that get me all veclempt
its been happening frequently lately. i'll be walking to work or running around the track with my headphones on and my throat gets all tight and my eyes get to the verge of pourage...sometimes even flowing out some tear action...all because of the beauty of music. often it is the content, the way they sing it....so here are the beautiful culprits of my veclemptness...
you stay here - richard shindell
corner talk - pogirl
bomb the world (armagedon version) - Micheal Franti and Spearhead
soak- melisse lafrance
upon my altar- wyrd sisters
softly to the ground- sarah metzner
i saw a bird fly away- dar williams
you stay here - richard shindell
corner talk - pogirl
bomb the world (armagedon version) - Micheal Franti and Spearhead
soak- melisse lafrance
upon my altar- wyrd sisters
softly to the ground- sarah metzner
i saw a bird fly away- dar williams
Sunday, March 20, 2005
this weekend has been so surprisingly enriching.
I approached it with caution as I had way overbooked myself with social events each night, while my gut was that I would just want to be alone each night, with a book and a bath. But as saturday and sunday night each approached I was aware that each of the events would be more nourishing than I would have with a quiet eve at home. Sometimes that is not the case, but this time my gut was clear on that.
There were many things I adored about this weekend, but one of the things that stands out the most was that we are grown ups now! At the sleep over night in the country at C & M's the party was a ruckus extrordonaire, but truth be told, the whole party crashed at midnight, and tonight was a lovely dinner party at A & E & A's i headed home at the reasonable hour of 9:30.... good lord we are bloody responsible! these both worked with my 7 a.m. rising schedule but still allowed for two fucking beautiful social evenings. Call me a grown up, but it seems we can party and sleep! What a concept!
I approached it with caution as I had way overbooked myself with social events each night, while my gut was that I would just want to be alone each night, with a book and a bath. But as saturday and sunday night each approached I was aware that each of the events would be more nourishing than I would have with a quiet eve at home. Sometimes that is not the case, but this time my gut was clear on that.
There were many things I adored about this weekend, but one of the things that stands out the most was that we are grown ups now! At the sleep over night in the country at C & M's the party was a ruckus extrordonaire, but truth be told, the whole party crashed at midnight, and tonight was a lovely dinner party at A & E & A's i headed home at the reasonable hour of 9:30.... good lord we are bloody responsible! these both worked with my 7 a.m. rising schedule but still allowed for two fucking beautiful social evenings. Call me a grown up, but it seems we can party and sleep! What a concept!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
its a miracle. i have nothing to do!
tomorrow i have nothing to do.
do you realize what a fucking miracle that is!
for months...everyday off i've had has been filled with essays or appointments or meetings.
the odd day off i'd get drunk the night before and mess up a day off with a hangover, but not this eve....i have mild plans which include listening to the cbc all morning (which is normal for me) but what is not an everyday occurance is my friend kristin is going to be on 'sounds like canada' between 10 and 11:45. pretty damn cool. also...i will be biking to some far off beach with a friend to lounge. i cannot explain to you how much i need one of these days...to slow down.
what happened to lazy days?
how come there are so few of them?
when can i go on vacation?
truth be told. i'm pretty damn excited by all the reasons my life is so busy. i am motivated about my life and all that i'm doing. its worth it.
but oh lordy i'm not going to miss the absense of the alarm clock tomorrow!
do you realize what a fucking miracle that is!
for months...everyday off i've had has been filled with essays or appointments or meetings.
the odd day off i'd get drunk the night before and mess up a day off with a hangover, but not this eve....i have mild plans which include listening to the cbc all morning (which is normal for me) but what is not an everyday occurance is my friend kristin is going to be on 'sounds like canada' between 10 and 11:45. pretty damn cool. also...i will be biking to some far off beach with a friend to lounge. i cannot explain to you how much i need one of these days...to slow down.
what happened to lazy days?
how come there are so few of them?
when can i go on vacation?
truth be told. i'm pretty damn excited by all the reasons my life is so busy. i am motivated about my life and all that i'm doing. its worth it.
but oh lordy i'm not going to miss the absense of the alarm clock tomorrow!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
i have remembered
in the way you recall in each cell and the blockage that was there just burst open and your whole body is fluid....starting with the eyes. then it turns to air and leaves from your pores smelling of the past. i have remembered what i lost i don't know how long ago. i slowly became disempowered and i let it go. its true no one makes you feel inferior without your consent. and i consented.
i have remembered that i am precious. i have built up a thick skin and forgotten what needed to be protected.
and the way to this preciousness.
is music.
is laughter.
and those pathways to self are mine alone.
in the way you recall in each cell and the blockage that was there just burst open and your whole body is fluid....starting with the eyes. then it turns to air and leaves from your pores smelling of the past. i have remembered what i lost i don't know how long ago. i slowly became disempowered and i let it go. its true no one makes you feel inferior without your consent. and i consented.
i have remembered that i am precious. i have built up a thick skin and forgotten what needed to be protected.
and the way to this preciousness.
is music.
is laughter.
and those pathways to self are mine alone.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
and so we take the stage...
SWAG Fundraiser
Saturday March 5, 2005
At the SUNSET LOUNGE
(on Herald St. by Store St....just behind Value Village.)
Show starts at 8
Cover is $4 and it's a kid-friendly event!
so, i messed up my computer and haven't been able to get it fixed yet, so i can't update my website...thus...i'll have to do my updates here....
this weekend i'm playing a show...its been a couple months since my last one, and i'm excited to get back at it. so here's the info for what is in store for you:
performers include:
jenny cupcake
sweet-vocal-improv-storytelling. ms cupcake radiates positive heart energy to everyone in her path. she'll take your breath away.
vivienne
i'll be accompanied this saturday by leif nordholm of brix n' lay. how to describe myself? well, you'll get some ode-to-the-goddess-action/comedic-tunes/unexpected vocals mixed in with the storytelling-leo i am!
glenna
the piano stylings, powerful vocals and raw poetics of glenna are something undescribable. described as "...raw, emotional and utterly captivating..." she sure is. her music is an experience unto itself and i promise you will be blown away.
kristin sweetland
we are blessed to have miss sweetland back on the island this winter before she takes off again in her magical van travelling this fine country. described as "a monster of a guitarist and a goldmine of a mind" she sure is something else. she is honestly the most brilliant guitar player i have ever seen of any gender, sings beautiful tales of heartbreak, mythology, mysticism....she's simply magnificent.
be well.
love V
Saturday March 5, 2005
At the SUNSET LOUNGE
(on Herald St. by Store St....just behind Value Village.)
Show starts at 8
Cover is $4 and it's a kid-friendly event!
so, i messed up my computer and haven't been able to get it fixed yet, so i can't update my website...thus...i'll have to do my updates here....
this weekend i'm playing a show...its been a couple months since my last one, and i'm excited to get back at it. so here's the info for what is in store for you:
performers include:
jenny cupcake
sweet-vocal-improv-storytelling. ms cupcake radiates positive heart energy to everyone in her path. she'll take your breath away.
vivienne
i'll be accompanied this saturday by leif nordholm of brix n' lay. how to describe myself? well, you'll get some ode-to-the-goddess-action/comedic-tunes/unexpected vocals mixed in with the storytelling-leo i am!
glenna
the piano stylings, powerful vocals and raw poetics of glenna are something undescribable. described as "...raw, emotional and utterly captivating..." she sure is. her music is an experience unto itself and i promise you will be blown away.
kristin sweetland
we are blessed to have miss sweetland back on the island this winter before she takes off again in her magical van travelling this fine country. described as "a monster of a guitarist and a goldmine of a mind" she sure is something else. she is honestly the most brilliant guitar player i have ever seen of any gender, sings beautiful tales of heartbreak, mythology, mysticism....she's simply magnificent.
be well.
love V
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
i am ready
i am ready to heal. i am ready to stop self-sabatoging. i am ready to love again.
i am ready to sing fully. i am ready to be proud of my body. i am ready to tell you my truths.
i have been recouperating from my life for two years. resting in my loft bed in the fetal position, cats purring by my ear. focusing on opening my heart again and not shutting it down. it is late and i am tired. i have been crying, thinking about past love, past hurt and how i can heal it in the present. i am ready for that too.
i am ready to show up in my own life.
i am ready to sing fully. i am ready to be proud of my body. i am ready to tell you my truths.
i have been recouperating from my life for two years. resting in my loft bed in the fetal position, cats purring by my ear. focusing on opening my heart again and not shutting it down. it is late and i am tired. i have been crying, thinking about past love, past hurt and how i can heal it in the present. i am ready for that too.
i am ready to show up in my own life.
Monday, February 21, 2005
on being a femme
after a winter of hibernation....i am emerging.
this past week has been packed full of social sweets, making new friends, intimate house parties and purposeful gatherings. it is so lovely to be in the company of people i adore, people i totally want to spend more time with and people that are just radiant!
tonight i went with some of my lovelies to see one of my fav authors, Anna Camilleri
Anna was doing a performance piece called 'Sound Siren Red' which is based on her new book
'I am a Red Dress'. It was beautiful, jarring, chilling, magical and pure beauty and depth. it was a lovely evening altogether and I was in bliss looking around at the audience....strong strong femmes, dykes, students, professors, girls, boys, bois, butches and everything in between. Especially the femmes. Anna spoke something in the question period that I have resonated with for years but speak of rarely. Being a femme is identity separate from sexual orientation. I began to explore my femme identity years ago when I began to learn more about trans issues and began to look deeper into my own gender identity. Being a femme can be a highly visible yet totally invisible place to be. It doesn't clearly identify me with the queer community, but also, being a femme like me, doesn't clearly identify me in the straight world either. I like it there.
Being a femme like me means i can wear gingham shirts and rolled up pants, tutus and army boots, knee high shit kickers and carry a zebra print bag, it means i can wear no make up and many hats. it means nothing in terms of categories and means more than i can explain to you.
I was surrounded by so much loveliness tonight. I adore the people I have in my life and those that are emerging into it. In this uber socialness I have been finding myself replenished in these settings, something that is not particularly normal. I tend to replenish myself alone. It seems these days seek a bit of both. So tommorrow night I have a date. With the best feline-femme imaginable...the great ladybug and my tranny-kat extrordonaire elliot. We will be sitting in the orange chair, by the orange curtains, reading the new jeanette winterson, crooning to the new richard shindell and purring. Ah, the good life.
this past week has been packed full of social sweets, making new friends, intimate house parties and purposeful gatherings. it is so lovely to be in the company of people i adore, people i totally want to spend more time with and people that are just radiant!
tonight i went with some of my lovelies to see one of my fav authors, Anna Camilleri
Anna was doing a performance piece called 'Sound Siren Red' which is based on her new book
'I am a Red Dress'. It was beautiful, jarring, chilling, magical and pure beauty and depth. it was a lovely evening altogether and I was in bliss looking around at the audience....strong strong femmes, dykes, students, professors, girls, boys, bois, butches and everything in between. Especially the femmes. Anna spoke something in the question period that I have resonated with for years but speak of rarely. Being a femme is identity separate from sexual orientation. I began to explore my femme identity years ago when I began to learn more about trans issues and began to look deeper into my own gender identity. Being a femme can be a highly visible yet totally invisible place to be. It doesn't clearly identify me with the queer community, but also, being a femme like me, doesn't clearly identify me in the straight world either. I like it there.
Being a femme like me means i can wear gingham shirts and rolled up pants, tutus and army boots, knee high shit kickers and carry a zebra print bag, it means i can wear no make up and many hats. it means nothing in terms of categories and means more than i can explain to you.
I was surrounded by so much loveliness tonight. I adore the people I have in my life and those that are emerging into it. In this uber socialness I have been finding myself replenished in these settings, something that is not particularly normal. I tend to replenish myself alone. It seems these days seek a bit of both. So tommorrow night I have a date. With the best feline-femme imaginable...the great ladybug and my tranny-kat extrordonaire elliot. We will be sitting in the orange chair, by the orange curtains, reading the new jeanette winterson, crooning to the new richard shindell and purring. Ah, the good life.
Friday, February 11, 2005
International Women's Day Show
yo.
sorry i haven't been updating my website. i think i deleted or screwed up my video card on my computer so all of the images i see are all pixels using about 16 colours as opposed to 265! oops. alas, i cannot update anything right now, until i get it fixed.
but i did want to tell you (in case you are in victoria)
of a show i'm playing at, which is a fundraiser for SWAG (Status of Women Action Group) for International Women's Day. The show is
March 5th
7p.m.
@the Sunset Lounge, which just off Store Street downtown
More details to follow.....
but go write it down in your daybook okay!
sorry i haven't been updating my website. i think i deleted or screwed up my video card on my computer so all of the images i see are all pixels using about 16 colours as opposed to 265! oops. alas, i cannot update anything right now, until i get it fixed.
but i did want to tell you (in case you are in victoria)
of a show i'm playing at, which is a fundraiser for SWAG (Status of Women Action Group) for International Women's Day. The show is
March 5th
7p.m.
@the Sunset Lounge, which just off Store Street downtown
More details to follow.....
but go write it down in your daybook okay!
Friday, December 24, 2004
ten reasons why i love fernwood
#10- The belfry. Its purdy.
#9- The two dollar taco place...the best freakin tacos. the guy makes them up right there, they are fresh and spicy and he has this restaurant just for the love/fun of it.
#8- Its a good mix of hippies, yuppies, anarchists, cyclists!, fancy theatre goers, and bikers! We have community gardens galore and even a Compost Education Centre, believe it or not.
#7- Grafitti! Even when that jerky slumlord boarded up their building...whatta we do? paint/grafitti/create art!
#6-The Thin Edge of the Wedge....my americano haven and favourite local food spot. I also love watching the gathering on Biker Nights....and seeing all the beautyful harleys.
#5-As much as it can be sketchy....i feel safe here. At night I've gotta walk tough downtown sometimes, but once I get to fern'hood I sigh with relief.
#4-Logan's...the local pub. i was there tonight and it is always a fest of reconnecting with people i haven't seen in ages. plus they have strongbow on tap.
#3- The Hootenany...sunday afternoons, especially in the summer...a mix of old drunk musicians and a super diversity of us twenty something fiesty folk. Hosted by the ever entertaining Carolyn Mark
#2- Fernwood free boxes...people offering up the things they are letting go of. especially on moving day it can be quite the free thrift shopping experience
#1-Its home. My orange curtains and feline friends tried other parts of town but it just ain't the same.
#9- The two dollar taco place...the best freakin tacos. the guy makes them up right there, they are fresh and spicy and he has this restaurant just for the love/fun of it.
#8- Its a good mix of hippies, yuppies, anarchists, cyclists!, fancy theatre goers, and bikers! We have community gardens galore and even a Compost Education Centre, believe it or not.
#7- Grafitti! Even when that jerky slumlord boarded up their building...whatta we do? paint/grafitti/create art!
#6-The Thin Edge of the Wedge....my americano haven and favourite local food spot. I also love watching the gathering on Biker Nights....and seeing all the beautyful harleys.
#5-As much as it can be sketchy....i feel safe here. At night I've gotta walk tough downtown sometimes, but once I get to fern'hood I sigh with relief.
#4-Logan's...the local pub. i was there tonight and it is always a fest of reconnecting with people i haven't seen in ages. plus they have strongbow on tap.
#3- The Hootenany...sunday afternoons, especially in the summer...a mix of old drunk musicians and a super diversity of us twenty something fiesty folk. Hosted by the ever entertaining Carolyn Mark
#2- Fernwood free boxes...people offering up the things they are letting go of. especially on moving day it can be quite the free thrift shopping experience
#1-Its home. My orange curtains and feline friends tried other parts of town but it just ain't the same.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
the only person you can count on is yourself
i don't even know how to describe these present days
the veil of disillusionment has been lifted
i feel raw and grounded in reality
but it is bittersweet and has some sharp edges
my heart finds familiar memories in my days living in montreal....i didn't really know anyone there at that point, living at my folks and not being involved in any community there...just working. i had one hell of a time though, wandering montreal, eating at santropol, movies at cinema du parc, tam tams, st. dennis, st. laurent....sorbet on duluth...all on my own.
i'm stubbornly independant it seems...i wasn't gonna miss out on the beauty of montreal just cause i didn't know anyone there....and mind you it is perplexing...i can sit on a city bus anywhere else in canada and make friends at the drop of a hat, but not montreal. montreal is the land of solitude for me.
these days seem far different at first glance. i am surrounded by ever-growing beautiful social network, i have a good job, a spiritual community, a funky apartment.....so different from montreal. but this week has just been filled with that feeling of...no, not lonliness. i rarely feel that. am i heading into a period of solitude? perhaps.... it feels though more like i'm heading towards a period of intense self-care. finally putting myself first. i don't think i've done that since montreal now that i have this verbal rant.... yup. its time.
on one of the saddest days of my life, the day of the funeral of my sisters partner, about 10 years ago...she and i were driving to a gathering after the funeral. classic toronto black ice was pulling cars off of the highway one by one. we barely made it into a gas station....blown away at the surrealness of the day. i remember after she got the gas she told me...
viv...the only one you can count on in this lifetime is yourself...you need to always be your own best friends...and always have the skills to survive on your own.
cause you are the only thing you've really got.
i don't know if she remembers this. i thought i'd never forget it, but i think i did for a while. she didn't mean that one would always be let down by people, but moreso that you really don't know how life is going to manifest. creating community and love but without losing my relationship with myself. that day i knew that i would need to be able to always be my own best friend.
and i did.
and i will do.
the veil of disillusionment has been lifted
i feel raw and grounded in reality
but it is bittersweet and has some sharp edges
my heart finds familiar memories in my days living in montreal....i didn't really know anyone there at that point, living at my folks and not being involved in any community there...just working. i had one hell of a time though, wandering montreal, eating at santropol, movies at cinema du parc, tam tams, st. dennis, st. laurent....sorbet on duluth...all on my own.
i'm stubbornly independant it seems...i wasn't gonna miss out on the beauty of montreal just cause i didn't know anyone there....and mind you it is perplexing...i can sit on a city bus anywhere else in canada and make friends at the drop of a hat, but not montreal. montreal is the land of solitude for me.
these days seem far different at first glance. i am surrounded by ever-growing beautiful social network, i have a good job, a spiritual community, a funky apartment.....so different from montreal. but this week has just been filled with that feeling of...no, not lonliness. i rarely feel that. am i heading into a period of solitude? perhaps.... it feels though more like i'm heading towards a period of intense self-care. finally putting myself first. i don't think i've done that since montreal now that i have this verbal rant.... yup. its time.
on one of the saddest days of my life, the day of the funeral of my sisters partner, about 10 years ago...she and i were driving to a gathering after the funeral. classic toronto black ice was pulling cars off of the highway one by one. we barely made it into a gas station....blown away at the surrealness of the day. i remember after she got the gas she told me...
viv...the only one you can count on in this lifetime is yourself...you need to always be your own best friends...and always have the skills to survive on your own.
cause you are the only thing you've really got.
i don't know if she remembers this. i thought i'd never forget it, but i think i did for a while. she didn't mean that one would always be let down by people, but moreso that you really don't know how life is going to manifest. creating community and love but without losing my relationship with myself. that day i knew that i would need to be able to always be my own best friend.
and i did.
and i will do.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
my love/hate relationship with friendster
things i hate about friendster:
1. you only get two choices for gender identity....ummm...hello, have you looked at who likes friendster? i swear outta my 35547 3rd degree friends at least half o' them don't fit easily into two categories of gender.
2. people picking me up. does my profile say i wanna date? no, it says friends! the first time it was charming, but after the third person, its getting downright weird.
3. people make profiles for their cats. (i mean, i have time on my hands, but not that much time!) 4. people make profiles for their dogs. (no lady and elliot do not have profiles, and yes you can laugh at me when i get bored enough to do so)
5. its so fucking slow it doesn't let me update anything.
6. shameless self promotion.
7. the "popular searches in my network section"....like any of my friends(ters) are looking up
"hipster quiz" or "gothic hair styles" or "getting over a breakup"....like i'm gonna believe that any of my friends are gonna look to friendster to find out how to get over a breakup!
8. it creates a whole new type of "aquaintence"...the friendster....the not quite yet friend...maybe this is a good thing...helps us computer geeks get friends!
9. it makes me look like a hypocrite for bitching about computer addicts, when look at me! addicted to checking my 'friendster' everyday!
things i love about friendster:
1. i've tracked down so many long-lost people in my life.
2. a much purdy-er alternative to my junkmail over-run hotmail account.
3. people make profiles for their cats. (i've gotta admit the first time i saw that a cat had 227 friends, all of them being cats i laughed for 15 minutes straight until my jaw/belly/bladder hurt).
4. people make profiles for their dogs. (okay there are some ridiculously cute dogs and dogowners out there)
5. all the little emails have pics of my purdy friends faces beside them.
6. shameless self promotion!
7. i get to be a total geek after hanging out with my lovelies, i get to send them little testimonials with snippets of our nights....taking action on the sigh and grins after a good gathering.
8. testimonials. we need to attest to why we adore our friends more often.
9. its a mighty easy way to develop crushes on strangers.
1. you only get two choices for gender identity....ummm...hello, have you looked at who likes friendster? i swear outta my 35547 3rd degree friends at least half o' them don't fit easily into two categories of gender.
2. people picking me up. does my profile say i wanna date? no, it says friends! the first time it was charming, but after the third person, its getting downright weird.
3. people make profiles for their cats. (i mean, i have time on my hands, but not that much time!) 4. people make profiles for their dogs. (no lady and elliot do not have profiles, and yes you can laugh at me when i get bored enough to do so)
5. its so fucking slow it doesn't let me update anything.
6. shameless self promotion.
7. the "popular searches in my network section"....like any of my friends(ters) are looking up
"hipster quiz" or "gothic hair styles" or "getting over a breakup"....like i'm gonna believe that any of my friends are gonna look to friendster to find out how to get over a breakup!
8. it creates a whole new type of "aquaintence"...the friendster....the not quite yet friend...maybe this is a good thing...helps us computer geeks get friends!
9. it makes me look like a hypocrite for bitching about computer addicts, when look at me! addicted to checking my 'friendster' everyday!
things i love about friendster:
1. i've tracked down so many long-lost people in my life.
2. a much purdy-er alternative to my junkmail over-run hotmail account.
3. people make profiles for their cats. (i've gotta admit the first time i saw that a cat had 227 friends, all of them being cats i laughed for 15 minutes straight until my jaw/belly/bladder hurt).
4. people make profiles for their dogs. (okay there are some ridiculously cute dogs and dogowners out there)
5. all the little emails have pics of my purdy friends faces beside them.
6. shameless self promotion!
7. i get to be a total geek after hanging out with my lovelies, i get to send them little testimonials with snippets of our nights....taking action on the sigh and grins after a good gathering.
8. testimonials. we need to attest to why we adore our friends more often.
9. its a mighty easy way to develop crushes on strangers.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
the madwoman on the corner
i'm on a new kick...after hiding away on this here island, i'm interested in finding out where all the people who were in my formative years have gone to. i'm slowly uncovering ex's, old crushes, the boy who sat next to me in science class, the girl that i took the bus with every day but never knew. i'm not contacting everyone but am enjoying surprise spurts of info about who is who and what now.
i was procrastonating and looking up people from my hometown on my friendster thingy and came across a couple boys that i went to high school with. they were both a little bit awkward in high school, one was tall and lanky one was the chubby boy. and it just about made me jump outta my chair to see them happy, buff and GAY! oh lordy....somehow i feel relieved. feel a little sense that everything is gonna be okay....i barely remembered these guys names...its not that i'd been worrying about them all this time, but seeing their now confident faces has just made me so relieved. its not that they were buffed and gay per say (thought i must say they both looked studly nowdays) but that they were happy.
i live right near a highschool and every day i see the parade of kids heading to school as i drink my morning coffee. awkward boys with pants a bit too short cause they are growing too bloody fast, chubster girls, the trendy girls, nouveau gangster boys. i worry about them all. cause teenagehood is fucking hard.
i wanna yell out the window to them....please don't be so fucking cool, remain humble....don't worry about being awkward, you'll grow into yourself...someday you may be happy and gay.... i swear someday you'll love yourself....
i don't become the mad woman on the corner trying to save their souls, but when i walk by the school i just try to smile extra big at the one's that remind me of myself cause usually i can see that they see the reflection too.
i wanna track down more people. i don't much care to find the well off white boys and girls cheerleaders jocks and all the people that hung out at the trophy case. i wanna find the goths, the geeks, the queers, the musicians. not that i was really any of those things during high school, but i feel more and more humbled within my own life seeing how other people are thriving, creating, surviving, making their place in the world.
i was procrastonating and looking up people from my hometown on my friendster thingy and came across a couple boys that i went to high school with. they were both a little bit awkward in high school, one was tall and lanky one was the chubby boy. and it just about made me jump outta my chair to see them happy, buff and GAY! oh lordy....somehow i feel relieved. feel a little sense that everything is gonna be okay....i barely remembered these guys names...its not that i'd been worrying about them all this time, but seeing their now confident faces has just made me so relieved. its not that they were buffed and gay per say (thought i must say they both looked studly nowdays) but that they were happy.
i live right near a highschool and every day i see the parade of kids heading to school as i drink my morning coffee. awkward boys with pants a bit too short cause they are growing too bloody fast, chubster girls, the trendy girls, nouveau gangster boys. i worry about them all. cause teenagehood is fucking hard.
i wanna yell out the window to them....please don't be so fucking cool, remain humble....don't worry about being awkward, you'll grow into yourself...someday you may be happy and gay.... i swear someday you'll love yourself....
i don't become the mad woman on the corner trying to save their souls, but when i walk by the school i just try to smile extra big at the one's that remind me of myself cause usually i can see that they see the reflection too.
i wanna track down more people. i don't much care to find the well off white boys and girls cheerleaders jocks and all the people that hung out at the trophy case. i wanna find the goths, the geeks, the queers, the musicians. not that i was really any of those things during high school, but i feel more and more humbled within my own life seeing how other people are thriving, creating, surviving, making their place in the world.
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