a month and a day

my birthday is a month away (and 1 day). I'm turning 30. I am so ready to say 'goodbye, thank god we're done' to the 20's. i've been pondering ever since i turned 29 about what to do for the next bday. my actual bday is on a tuesday, and i've been thinking i'd like to spend it alone (or perhaps a mutual-bday-celebration-lunch with my birthday buddy).

last year i had a bbq, which went well. but i'm a bad hostess, because i'm a good one. i need to make sure everyone has the their vegan/meat/glutenfree/alcoholic/non-alcoholic/kids/peanut-free self taken care of. and then i don't end up eating and drink too much. and i was right in the middle of my super-funk time, so i found myself taking secret crying moments in the bathroom despite the loveliness that was outside. another challenge with a gathering of friends is i have very diverse friends who don't know each other and though lots do, there are a few who do don't get along that well. it went ok on that front, and i'm even more willing this year to let go of responsibililty of that...if they can't handle it don't come!

so, i've been getting visions of a celebration. really its felt like little nuggets of beauty my spirit has been shooting me. i'll be sitting on the bus and then all of a sudden think 'tiered platter with cupcakes' or 'picnic blankets with art supplies' and so it is developing....i'm pondering a sunday afternoon art picnic



with lots of lemonade, painting, cupcake decorating and a whole lot of pink!



i'm thinking sunshine (hoping) and nourishment. i'm thinking photo taking, collaging, painting and journal writing.



i'll have a bbq perhaps for those who are too macho for crafts. and a kid craft blanket for wee-ones. i'm thinking dress-up (whatever dress up means to you).



i'm thinking a tea party and i'm especially thinking that in lieu of gifts i'd like people to pick me (or buy if they really want to) flowers so i'll be left with wee bouquets of wildflowers around the house



and i'm thinking of asking a few people to help me host so i don't get all flustery!

all this already...lordy. and a month more to increase the extravagance potential!

Thank you Lavender

Today one of my favourite 3 year olds called me her 'best friend'. It is mutual.

I had such a beautiful, present day hanging out with my lil' buddies. They are amazing and kind and we learn so much together. They had been pulling dead leaves off of a tree and said 'sorry' to the tree. I offered up that perhaps we might want to say 'thank you' because the plant is giving us something. As we continued on our walk we came across a big patch of lavender and picked bouquets saying 'thank you lavender, thank you lavender' as we picked. These are the moments i love so much.

I'm feeling a return to myself.

And life on the interweb lately is so so lovely.

Andrea's post sharing this amazingly beautiful and grounding poem.

Mon amie Harmony inviting me to join her in an online creative adventure

My new print came in the mail the other day from Mati. Its called Beauty in the Breakdown and is so gorgeous!



I'm feeling really grateful for all of the lovely blogging ladies that brighten my day. Grateful for the inquisitive best friends that always bring me back to living in the moment. For my daily learning about how i can become a more whole and healthy self. I'm feeling really blessed at how the creative force is entering my life full force. I am especially grateful for all the good opportunities that are coming my way these days. The rough patches only remind me how important all these things are.

more thoughts on self-care

When talking about self-care, my friend Z says that its a 'moment by moment' process. I love this both that it makes me be concious of how much i need to be on top of making sure I am active in self-care, but also that there is always oppourtunity to make changes. Yesterday exhausted (emotionally and physically) me was just curled up on the couch, and then the moment changed and i got up, got dressed, got on my bike and started fresh. Here's where i ended up:







My thoughts have been really fixated lately, and i've been feeling a lot like i did a couple years ago, not knowing how to get out of my mood. But i know in every situation there is a level of personal responsibility that i have to look at. Sometimes i sure don't want to, or i can't see it, but its so there. So finally I had some clarity on what has been frustrating me. I can't hold on to what someone said or did. That doesn't serve me. I can meet possiblities of the future, but i just can't hold onto the past. It only gets me stuck. So I'm going to try to remember all the wonderful calmness i found in s.carolina and connect to it. To remember that it only takes a moment to get off track, but just one more to get back.

Don't Be Afraid

What a rollercoaster. Today went like this:

Exhaustion, Cry, Work, Sleep, Cry, Cry on the Bus, Work, Overjoyed, Cry, Cry, Calmness.

There is so much from my day that i wish i could just let flood out of my fingertips right now but i can't. Some out of respect for myself, some because its too personal, some because its so exciting and i just can't tell you (sorry...i'm working on keeping secrets).

Some of the crying sessions, particularly the 2 at the end of the day, were in response to courage and emmense pride. I came across this youtube post and it just blows me away. Paul is so earnest and so incredibly beautifuly talented. It is not hard to connect to his humble hopeful dreams and when he opens his mouth to sing its like this force of beauty emerging.

the next cry wasn't too long after. a dear sweet friend of mine is a budding rock star. right now he is playing the 'True Colors' Tour with Cyndi Lauper, Debby Harry, Margaret Cho, Rosie O'Donnell and many more. I checked out this clip of the finale of one of their shows and watching this clip especially at the very end when Cyndi shouts out DON'T BE AFRAID and they all raise their fists. Thats it...i start weeping. Every time. I am so incredibly proud of him. Lucas is the first transgendered frontman signed to a major label. I've been enjoying reading up on how the tour is going, especially this post on their myspace blog. Check out the post called 'on being transgendered'. He is an amazing musician, a humble role model and he and his lovely ladyfriend h are two of my favourite people who walk this earth. I feel so blessed to be witnessing his success. It is oh so deserved and I can't think of anyone better to spread trans awareness, simply by not being afraid to be who he is. (He's second from the end on the left by the way, being hugged by Margaret Cho).

You know how sometimes you sit down to write something and don't quite know what it is about until it all comes together? This has been one of those moments. I have spent a lot of the last few days trying not to face fear but invariably living in it: fear of being hurt, fear of living with an open heart, fear of being exposed as my messy messy self. But here it is. I'm getting ready to crawl into bed with two lovely cats. Getting ready to wake up to a better day.

Mantra for Today

I am deserving and worthy of some seriously delicious loving (from myself and others). I won't be blindsighted anymore by lost souls, half-present lovers and those needing a mother-figure. I am lovely and kind and someday, yes someday, all will happen as it should. Until that day and beyond that day, I've gotta love myself fiercely. So yes, dear self, you are deserving and worthy of seriously delicious loving. Keep your heart open for it. And don't be afraid to shut other doors. Close up histories. Change more patterns. It'll all be worth it in the end.

out of focus

Some days it feels as though everything is out of alignment. Like some details are excessively clear and others are out of focus. The last few days have been that way. I'm grateful to wake today feeling more like myself again.

Happiness is work: Part 2

This has been on my mind a lot. The quote and the actions maintaining happiness involves. I must say that although it is 'work' it is probably the most worthwhile work imaginable. Just like my day job, I love doing it. For the last couple years it was not easy work....forcing myself to stop destructive behaviours, going through a period of isolation and then re-emerging but feeling rather lost as to how to integrated such simple things as joy, friendship and connection into my life! But finally, about 2 years after the whole change began, I feel like I'm finally at the fun work...maintaining happiness can't be a struggle...getting back here was. And except for a few moments, during all the struggle, I knew it was all worthwhile and remained faithful that i would emerge a 'healthier' version of myself. So now the fun stuff...i've been craving to write down all the things that are helping to keep me happy...not a complete list of course, but a beginning.

-dreamseeds sundays: our small but dedicated crew of lovely ladies have made these last few months so rich. i have established my goal of bringing art into my life on a more regular basis and has brought down the barrier for me in accessing that creative source.



-the oprah channel on satellite radio: i can't help it. i love oprah. and maya angelou and dr. robin and even gayle king. i listen to this radio station when i'm upstairs doing my daily tasks and the discussions are so meaningful, the tone so peaceful (well, maybe not gayle, but she is funny) and it makes putting dishes away a very thought provoking experience.

-taking pictures....i'm so smitten with taking photos...especially of dogs, cats, flowers and of course myself. And its no secret that this leo loves taking self portraits. especially in bathrooms, on escalators, and in store mirrors. What most people end up seeing on various internet thingies (friendster, facebook, etc) are the purdy fancy photos of myself i've captured. although those make me happy, taking these really makes me giggle.







-um, well, what i wear has always been a big part of my identity....sometimes it speaks louder than i do. and that of course has changed as well. these days soft flowing comfy yet fancy shirts are making me happy, pinks and browns, black and white, my silver birks take my everywhere it seems, and my fancy side has been emmerging....lots and lots of earrings and necklaces...especially my beloved superhero necklace.



-my daily adventures: nothing makes me happier than getting on a bike or bus and just going. sometimes i have a master plan, which can be as simple as 'to get that delicious wheat-free bar from the bean on main st' or 'to the seawall' or to an event like todays commercial drive fest. all trips i am armed with my camera and journal and is my favourite kind of alone time. you never know what yer gonna see...like this:

very tall bikes



alien-esque buildings



rad stickers



lovely dancing bike ladies


so there it is....the beginning of the happy-list...

images from todays adventures

Happiness is work

"People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you would leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."

This is from the book 'eat, pray, love' which I adore so much (by elizabeth gilbert). Ever since I read this I have been breathing it in, putting it into action. At the time, when I was on vacation, I was in the midst of making this transition from a very difficult time into exploring my new healthier self....but not really feeling like i had the skills to retain happiness, to be resiliant. And then this...everytime I have an emotional drop since I read this quote I remember that 'happiness is the consequence of personal effort' so i breathe deeper, sort through what can change my mood. That is not to say I don't plan to honour my grumpy messy moments...but i am so grateful to be stepping away from every little dissapointment feeling like a dramatic setback. i allow that to happen and I feel like this whole year of just being where i was, working through my loneliness, sorting out my fear and paranoia (especially from being robbed) and letting those parts of me that were just empty to be filled, slowly......but now its time to go day by day, maintaining all this healing....

Femmely Dinner

We sat around a small table, candlelit, with potato salad, ginger carrot soup, lychees, watermelon, brownies and wine. It was the first of an intended many gatherings of a collection of women brought together by their identification as 'femme' women.
This city has recently opened its arms (and its heart to me) and I back at it. After 2 long years of solitude, my world is opening up again and the sweetness of connection is even more beautiful now because i was so clearly needing to be able to spend time in the first chakra, working on connection to myself before i could move on/up.

One of us asked 'What is your dream job?' and there began a confessing around the table of our most lovely dreams of our futures. Beautiful confessions our little/big dreams, none of which are far from reality. When it came to me, I wasn't sure what was going to come out of my mouth.

"I want my primary job to be as a mother'. There it is. My secret confession and though everyone who know me knows that I want to be a mother, what people don't know is that it is as exciting to me as being a teacher or a ceo or a doctor. It is intellectually, emotionally and spiritually inspiring to me. A confession such as this felt so great because for the last decade i have been so caught up in trying to figure out what i should 'become'...and though i want the most prominent unpaid job possible....i like my new dreams. It doesn't stop there though.....I have snippets of other dreams integrated into this one. I want to make art, make music, bring them to the world. I want to develop skills in helping professions, maybe counselling. All I know for sure is that I don't plan on working for the man ever again. I have a taste of working for myself (and contracting out) and it is a lovely life.

I won't pass on the confessions of others. I wasn't sworn to secrecy, and they weren't even said as secrets, but that time at the table felt so sweet and lovely, I want to let it stay there. I am so looking forward to this new wave of happiness in my life. It tastes delicious

Delicious Things

A visit to Leonie's blog has inspired a grand list of all that is delicious in my life these days.


I think one of the most delicious things in my life right now is how happy i feel. I've spent a long time emerging from my own messy self and its so sweet to be authentically happy. I also have a clear understanding that this abundance of happiness in me waiting to emerge...must be treated with kindness. i need to continue to speak kindly to myself, to be resiliant and to take deep breaths in my own strength.




Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert has been an amazing addition to my life. I consumed it during my vacation and i truly think it has what has helped me integrate the peacefulness-in-myself that i found there.



When I came back everything looked so different, so lush. Reds, Purples and Pinks lighting up my yard.




My new gorgeous rubber boots make a girl feel pretty all year round, even when you haven't seen the sun in a month. rainy season is over, but they are too delicious to put away for the summer.




My sunday afternoon art making session has changed the way i feel about this city. not only is it something to look forward to every week, but it is doing what i had hoped which is help me to infiltrate art into my everyday life.





Literally delicious is the dragon bowl at the Naam. I have only been back from my trip for a bit over a week and i've already been there far too many times! True nutritious, sumputous, deliciousness.



Grateful in all this deliciousness,
V

Dear Hilton Head

Dear Hilton Head

i didn't know what to expect from you. i had no clue how much you calmed me, how good it felt to sit in your dunes. i didn't know i could feel so at home at a place that i would never have been if not for sheer luck. i didn't know i needed so much to be away from all that i knew as home, be held by you for a while, then be sent back home with a healed heart.

your heat soaked into my skin, fresh air caused me to take deeper breaths and your shore helped me remember that i, and all that is on this earth, is magic.

with love,

Vancouver (aka vivienne)

where the sidewalk ends.

I headed out on a ride, determined to go as far as i possibly could on this island, despite the little drops of rain falling and the sky smelling like campfire (there was a big fire in georgia and the smog had come our way). i should confess that where i really wanted to go was over the bridge to the mainland to find the outlet stores! but biking on hilton head is wonderful, as there are bike paths all along the major roads and its mostly flat, so my one speed bike 'beauty' with the pedal breaks has me feeling like partly a princess, sitting all upright with a basket on the front...and then it brings out the tomboy when i can stand up and pedal as though on a bmx. i wish i could have this bike back in vancouver, but its all hills where i live so it just wouldn't work (plus i already have 2 bikes to choose from!)

after about an hour of biking i could see from my little map i was nearing the bridge. and then. there it was. where the sidewalk ends.



yearning to shop, it was dissapointing for 10 seconds, but i turned around and faced the traffic to keep on moving and then something happened. it was something about the sound of the highway that made me feel free. there was so much white noise around me and i was on the move that i just started singing as loud as i could. the thing is you see, that i haven't felt like i could access my voice in a long time. through last summers whole funk and the recovery from it, i haven't really been singing. and singing makes me feel the most alive. so on this day somehow it was back. it started out surprisingly by being church songs that wanted to come out, then of course i moved on to the entire indigo girls repretoire (church was probably the first place i learned to sing high and loud and my sister and i would sing indigo girls together, harmonizing). it felt amazing to have the songs in me again.

halfway home i could see the beach peeking out from a long road, and knowing it would get me home, it drew me in. biking along the beach is phenomenal. as long as its low tide, there is a wide area of solid sand that everyone bikes along. it takes biking to a whole new bliss.



and soon after this picture was taken i looked to the ocean and saw a pair of dolphins bopping up and down. another 5 minutes down the beach were yet another pair, these ones really close to the shore. its amazing here. how am i going to tear myself away from this haven? i suppose saying the words 'ladybug and elliot' will do the trick, but i'm pretty sure i'll have to find my way back here someday.

the beauty of doing nothing

as the picture attests to, i am reading 'eat pray love' during this holiday. todays pages have the author living in italy and learning a new term 'il bel far niente' which means 'the beauty of doing nothing'. that resonates so strongly right now. i'm spending much of my days collecting shells at the beach, reading by the pool and exploring on my bike. i feel like i am able to live in the moment here. beauty beauty beauty.

elemental

earth

air

fire

water


today the elements were in full force.

i headed down to the beach as soon as i woke up, to say my first hello to the atlantic ocean. its a breathtaking beach as far as the eye can see.

i then rented a bike and went for a ride on the beach and soon came across people pointing excitedly. two dolphins were very close to shore, swimming along, flipping their tails, flowing up and down in the waves. i biked along side them for a long while.

as soon as i finally decided to turn back, the lightest rain fell. within minutes it was ferocious. i love biking in the rain and it was a very refreshing cool treat.

after a bit of work i was beyond excited to head to the beach. after getting suited up, i headed past the pool to the walkway just as everyone from the beach poured past me the opposite way. i soon realized the most intense wind was creating a small sandstorm just up the beach. you could see it heading our way. back to the house for tea and chocolate on the porch to watch the storm. the rain soon came and it poured some more. apparently it hasn't rained in a while so it is much needed!

after the storm was over i headed back to see what had changed. the wind was still fierce but the sky was clear and the sun setting. i gathered some shells and sang into the wind.

this day was filled with so much elemental intensity that i could not help but leave my thoughts behind and just be present all that i was witnessing. during this final trip of the day i did something i have not done in so long. it began with "spirits of the east, element of air" and continued through the elements, words i had not expected poured from me, sending gratitute for all that has happened in the few years and feeling each element tell me ways that they can help me continue to seek a better future. the witchy part of myself hasn't been in hiding, but since moving to vancouver i haven't found people to circle with and i needed a break from some elements of working with a group. but it feels like its time to find the witchy-me again.
feels like its already started.

oh the places we'll go

3 big car rides
2 flights
3 kids
3 adults

spanish moss dripping from trees
really really loud tree frogs
the beach awaiting my bare feet
the pool awaiting an early morning swim

a life well lived.

rubber boots and camera phones

my camera has started to make the strangest noises and will not shut down! this lovely little silver box goes everywhere with me. no bike ride is without a stop to take a picture of some beautiful tree or flower, or to take a self portrait. I'm smitten with it. so as i handed it over to the guy at the store to fix it, it was hard to let it go. it will of course be back with me in a couple weeks, fixed as good as new. unfortunately i won't have it back in time for me trip to hilton head, but alas.

a good thing is it has gotten me in touch with the good old camera on my phone. i'm realizing how smitten with photography and with having that creative medium at my disposal! love it love it!

here is a little photo of my gorgeous new rubber boots!

mini skirts and grumpy pants

last week i had my grumpypants on in the most serious way. i didn't want to be here, feeling alone and without community. the value of a bout of the grumpies is all the revelations that come with it (like with pms...true feelings come out). so today surprised me with a few moments of spontaneous dancing and mini-bouts of joy. i have a few entries on this thing, packed full of sadness and craving to be elsewhere. i'm not letting go of the possibility of change, but my spirit needs to find the beauty in today.

the benefit of living on this side of the country is showing itself these days as spring is with us full force. today was the first day i could get away with wearing a mini-skirt without freezing my knees off.

mini-skirts always make the day better.

so excited for my superhero necklace! (waiting patiently while andrea juggles new-mama-hood and making jewlery)

words eaten

um, i've gotta eat my words, as i've just found out one of these long lost cousins is a pagan and seems pretty rad.
i spoke too soon!

my love/hate relationship with facebook

why it bugs me:
1. there is no option other than male/female for my gender diverse friends to use.
2. they tell you every little thing that people change on their profiles. i really don't need to know!
3. i added a guy from highschool, who is making me nauseous...posting updates that he is masturbating and has pictures of himself and his steroid pumped arms grabbing women's breasts. for real! i almost dated this dude too. until he slept with my friend (big surprise). he will likely be deleted.
4. i didn't know i had so many cousins, until i joined facebook. they are coming out of the woodwork, and have the appropriate last names to be my second cousins, but i probably only met them once at a family reunion. i'm not feeling like i can really be my self now on facebook (i like to keep some parts of my life private from extended family). grrr.


why i love it:
1. i have tracked down the loveliest people from my past, like the friend i've had since age 1 month and would totally hang out with now if we lived in the same province, friends who now have kids, lovely camp friends.
2. with my bad memory, and finding all these people, it almost feels like i have more of a context of my own history...not just, i grew up in inglewood/caledon, went to mayfield, moved to montreal, went to tbay, moved to vic, now in van...but i have all these lovely reminders of the people i've cared about along the way.
3. well, pretty much because so many people are joining it, so the social network of the past grows!