prince charming

what if there is no prince charming?
how do i find enough self love to fill that place?

a beautiful day to make mischief

today was just lovely. as part of our sunday dreamseeds creative adventuring, we had a plan to get dressed up real silly and go take photos. just near the purple thistle (art centre) is an old factory that is now studios, train tracks and grafitti filled alleyways...perfect for photo fun. these are some of my favourites of the day that z took of me.

the adventures of the red mary janes

my lovely red mary janes used to be the shoes that could not be worn in the rain (which is over half of the year here) or snow, thus often sitting on the shoe rack to be admired there. but this week i've injured my foot (too much running, not enough streching) thus only shoes that are actually good for my feet are allowed to adorn them. so miss mary janes not only have exited the category of the 'only worn in certain conditions' but are now destined to live a life with far more adventure. so here is what the day brought...

arrive at the beach standing tall on a log


explore what the low tide has to show


view from the shoe


sand, shells and wood


and finishing off the day nestled under a table at the naam

sweetlife

these days are so rich with learning, and not so much the heavy lesson filled learning but the playful joyous learning. coming back into my own confidence, feeling new beauty and sense of self. yum yum life.

alone

the subject for the photofriday challenge this week is 'alone'. this picture was taken in summer when i was feeling the most intense loneliness i have ever felt. i felt alone even in my own company, which for me was different, because before that i didn't generally feel lonely as i have great fun being by myself. i found out through the process of sorting through that depression that i really wasn't giving myself the care i deserved and was giving too much of my self away. i look now at pictures such as the pjdance party of the last entry which is also taken while i'm alone and i see both as beautiful moments, but i sure am glad i'm back to a place of joy.

start the day dancing

i made a playlist on itunes this morning called 'beautiful life' and this a bit of the pjdanceparty that followed!

7 steps to a lovely solo vday

1. start the day by downloading this non-cheesy valentines day cd (for free) and find you have the perfect soundtrack for the day.

2. get dressed up to look/feel pretty.



3. take yourself out for lunch.

4. buy yourself the prettiest pink bag with this quote:



5. when arriving early for your friends burlesque show you decide to go on a walk through the alleys of strathcona armed with your digital camera. this is some of what you see:






6. watch your amazing friend Z do some empowering burlesque at this show



you feel a bit awkward because you don't know anyone else there but are proud that you had the guts today to come alone.

7. end the day with some cat cuddles, a cup of tea and some journalling.

be mine

i was so happy to find this cookie at a local health food store. being gluten intolerant, cookies just aren't in my vocabulary, let alone ones with icing, asking me to 'be mine'. though i definitely am a romantic, i've also been a single girl for a while so the main romanticism in my life there right now is working on self love. it is nice to do sweet things for one's self. a cup of tea and a g.f. heart cookie sounds romantic to me!

and truth be told, i feel the same way about Vday concerning self love as romantic love. one day a year just don't cut it! this whole year has been about working on this daily. giving myself space to heal and grow, finding ever growing kindness for myself, working through the messy rough stuff in order to find the open heart stuff. i'm still feeling rather protective of my needs (having formerly not been good at articulating them, its an adjustment) but far less fragile. i've got to really 'be mine' before i can be anything for anyone else.

what i believe in

i believe that there is a love ahead for me that is good and true.

i believe that i will exceed my own expectations. i underestimate myself far too much.

i believe in the lessons of this wide open present moment. the lessons these days are fierce in their content but gentle in how they become my new reality.

i believe in the way my parents believe in me and in the growing friendships with my siblings.

i believe in the way lucas makes me laugh, that hil is chosen family, the way liza and i learn about ourselves from each other, the way alison makes me feel special. i believe in their friendship fiercely even though they are far away.

i believe in the community of creative women that inspire me daily, though spread out around the world.

i believe in watching your back, but not forgetting to meet people with kindness.

i believe in spending time alone. going places alone. learning to be alone. being your own best friend, but at the same time not forgetting the value of friendship.

i didn't really have the forsight for a while there, to really see what hope and potential awaited. I believe in experiencing all that is messy, frumpy, frustrated, fearful, angry and trusting that you will make it back to happiness again (and that it will be worth it).

i believe in living as authentically as possible. and it sure is time to do just that.

a pictoral account of todays adventures

This is a Perfect Moment

THIS IS A PERFECT MOMENT
by Rob Brezsny

This is a perfect moment.
It's a perfect moment for many reasons,
but especially because you and I are waking up
from our sleepwalking thumbsucking dumbclucking collusion
with the masters of illusion and destruction.

Thanks to them, from whom the painful blessings flow,
We are waking up.
Thanks to them, from whom the awful teachings ooze,
We are waking up.

Their wars and tortures,
their devils and borders,
extinctions of species and brand new diseases,
their spying and lying in the name of the father,
sterilizing seeds and trademarking water,
stealing our dreams and changing our names,
their brilliant commercials, their endless rehearsals
for the end of the world.

Thanks to them,
from whom the painful blessings flow,
We are waking up.
Thanks to them, from whom the awful teachings ooze,
We are waking up

Their painful blessings are cracking open holes
in the sour and puckered mass hallucination
mistakenly called reality.

News of the soul's true home is pouring in,
infiltrating our increasingly lucid waking dreams.
Wild ripe juicy eternity is flooding in.
Our allies from the other side of the veil
are swarming in.
We're waking up.

And as Heaven and Earth come together,
as the dreamtime and daytime merge,
as paradise and the underworld overlap,
we register the shockingly exhilarating fact that we are in charge --
you and I are in charge --
of making a brand new world.
Not in some distant time or faraway place,
but right here and right now.

As we stand on this brink,
as we dance on this verge,
we can't let the ruling fools of the dying world
sustain their curses.

We have to rise up and fight their insane logic;
defy and resist and prevent their tragic magic;
unleash our sacred rage and let them feel it.
But overthrowing the living dead is not enough.
Protesting the well-dressed monsters is not enough.
We can't afford to be consumed with anger
--can't be obsessed and possessed with complaint.
Our sweet animal bodies need to feel rowdy blessings.
Our amazing imaginations need to thrive on missions
that incite our delight.

We need truths in their wild state,
insurrectionary beauty that excites our curiosity,
outrageous goodness that drives us to perform
heroic acts of lusty compassion,
ingenious love that endlessly transforms us,
tricky freedom that is never permanent
but must be reinvented and reclaimed every day,
and a totally-serious-yet-always-laughing justice
that schemes and dreams about how to
diminish the suffering and increase the joy
of every sentient being.

So I'm radically curious, my fellow creators;
I'm seriously delirious:
Since we are in charge of making a brand New World,
where do we begin?
What truths in their wild state are we planning to plant
at the heart of our creation?
What stories will be our reminders?
What questions will be our fuel?

Here's one for you:
In the New World you will know through and through
that life is crazily in love with you --
life is wildly and innocently in love with you.
In the New World ,
you will know beyond a doubt
that thousands of secret helpers are angling to turn you into the
gorgeous curiosity you were born to be.

But then here's the loaded question.
The love that life eternally floods you with has not exactly been
unrequited, but there's room for you to be more demonstrative.
If life is wildly and innocently in love with you,
are you prepared to start loving life back the way it loves you?
In the New World , you will.

In the New World , you will reject paranoia with
all of your smart heart.
Instead, you will embrace Pronoia.
Which is the opposite of paranoia.
Pronoia is the sneaking suspicion
that the whole living world is conspiring
to shower you with rowdy blessings.
Pronoia is the dawning perception that life is a conspiracy
to liberate you from ignorance,
and fill you with love,
and make you brilliantly soulful.

My fellow creators,
I want you to know that I am allergic to dogma.
I don't trust any idea that requires me to believe in it absolutely.
There are very few things about which I am totally certain.
But I am absolutely certain that Pronoia
describes the way the world actually is.
Pronoia is wetter than water,
truer than the facts, and stronger than death.
It smells like cedar smoke in spring rain,
and if you close your eyes right now,
you can feel it shimmering
in your soft warm animal body like the
aurora borealis.

The sweet stuff
that quenches all of your longing
is not far away
in some other time and place.

It's right here and right now.

Earth is crammed with heaven

how good did it feel

to watch people in the audience of a show hold their hearts as they listened.
to see 50 year old women jump out of their chairs and shake their booty in the aisles
to dance to some of the most empowering music i've heard in a long time
to get through the awkwardness to the place where i am dancing freely
to sit in the sun with an old friend and have many belly laughs
to see the way that man through his fist in the air with such emotion during a song
to witness the beauty of four grand tipis in the middle of the cityscape. incredible.
to share smiles with little humans.

amidst all challenges there have been glimpses of summer, being present in my life and bringing me back to myself. between all the stresses there are these things.
and they feel so good that they make up for all the rest.

why. how. what.

i don't know what to call it:
a spiritual crisis
my saturn return
post-traumatic healing
growing into real adulthood
being silent with myself
learning to sing again
meeting my shadow


maybe a bit of all of the above. all i know is that a new understanding of myself and the world is emerging in me. right now it doesn't feel so nice. i've been caught up in the 'why' on my tough days lately. why am i feeling this way? why am i letting go of the things that i have used to self-sabotage or blame? why am i seeing it all so differently? why do i suddenly feel what it is to have faith? why do i feel so alone? why can't it be easier? why does it feel like a brick wall sometimes? why is this process so slow?

the realizations are beautiful. the emotions are the ones that have been hiding from me. i am crying unexpectedly. i am screaming into my pillow sometimes.

i've been frustrated at not knowing how. how do i start healing this lil' big heart of mine? how do i protect it? how can i really be happy with myself? how can i make the lonely parts of me feel loved?

i don't know what the big picture is here. the what's.
what the purpose of it all is. what is the unconcious goal i am striving for?
what will i be when i get through this challenging path?
what happens after 30? what if this searching never ends?

no answers. many many questions. right now in this moment all i know is that i need so be silent, to sing, to honour my body, to rest and to challenge myself.
that seems like a good start to me.

in this moment

lessons in strange places

I'm finding all what I need to heal from a traumatic experience in the one place that most people told me to get far far away from...the place it happened. Back in december our home got broken into twice (within three days) and both times we were home. The first, I had just gotten back from a late shift at 3:30 a.m. and as soon as I had put on my p.j.s I went into the living room and saw someone coming in through my kitchen window. He stole two purses and then took off. No, the police didn't catch him.

Two nights later, he broke in through the lock in our front door with a crowbar. I was still at work that night, but my boyfriend at the time and my roomate were both woken up by the noise. The guy stole more money, and yes, it was the same guy from the description. No, robbers aren't suppose to come back! We had about 2 weeks before my roomie and I went away for xmas, and we found that we couldn't remotely sleep here. So, we stayed in hotels and at friends houses until we went away (yes, the cats came to the hotels with us!).

So, now it has been 3 weeks since I got back to this house and I'm finding the most important thing I feel like I can do to get over this is to be here. This surprises me but also makes so much sense. Sometimes it feels sore to be here, often I am a bit paranoid, slowly I am feeling better. I've struggled with the notion of being a victim for a long time. I've embraced it because it allowed me to be angry, I've rejected it because it was a place that I'd been for too long and because it was disempowering. I really don't like the fact that I was robbed, but if I had to get anything from it...it is helping me let go of victimhood and still be angry.

I am not leaving my home, I am going to reclaim it. I am not going to rush myself in healing from it...I'm going to be messy in it: a bit paranoid, obsessive about safety. I am going to feel better at some point, perhaps I will stop looking at all 20-30 year old white men, 6 feet tall with little facial hair as the possible robber. I won't stop protecting myself but I hope sometime to not be so scared.

After it happened my mom said something very new age to me which was so sweet (especially when most other people were behaving like a mother in my life...telling me what to do). She said "He may have taken your belongings, and taken your sense of safety, but he didn't take your life, your spirit, your sense of joy, your empowerment. You've still got those things". He didn't. It always irritates me when something bad happens and people say "everything happens for a reason" or "sometime this will all make sense" cause at the time one is too in the moment to think like that. Irritating as it may be. Its true.

i'm in love

with my cats.

when we reunited today i fell to my knees taken aback by how freaking tiny and adorable my kitters are. do me a favour...lift up your purse or a hardcover book....thats how light ladybug is. i spent the holidays visiting a collection of rather large cats in various cities which make me forget how petite my cats are.


all the way home (from victoria, across on the ferry to van) they were unusually quiet, cuddling and purring up a storm. this is highly unusual behaviour for them in a car...usually they are the meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow types. this time it only happened when we went over bridges (how do they know its a bridge? they always do).



so now here we are, safely nestled in the newness of our home, as they inspect every little and big change. i am so in love with these little peaches....they are my companions, support, cuddlers, purrmonsters and bestest of friends.

Madly, preciously, dedicatedly and deeply in love with my cats.

beauty in the breakdown

creating home

it feels like i'm doing this repeditively lately. perhaps i just haven't gotten it right up till now. i've been back in my home (the home that got robbed twice in the wee hours of morning while we were home, back in december) for 2 days so far and almost everything feels different from when i left it almost a month ago. after the robbery hil and i didn't live here. trucking the cats and our stuff to hotels and friends houses, we both just couldn't be here.

before i left i moved most of my stuff into hil's old room. today i cleaned up the rest of my belongings in the old room and i feel more settled in this new space than i did in 4 months in the other room. when i arrived here it was a whirlwind of newness and i don't think i even got a chance to get settled.

some people think i'm a bit bonkers for not moving out of this place. i didn't want to and now that i am back i feel good about living here. we are not an easy target anymore. there are bars, an alarm and many other contraptions to prevent anyone from getting in uninvited. i am physically safe. psychologically, i found i was a bit scared where ever i was over the holidays. its not just here.
when i flew back to vancouver i awaited my emotional reaction to being back here and when we landed one word emerged. Oppourtunity. There is much in this city for me. It may not be handed to me on a platter, and obviously there are things i need to get through to find home here, but there are things that are open for me to do well here in this city and i am ready to do the work to get them. I know the first step is being in this room, finding grounding in a place that once contained fear for me, to spend time alone, to get back in touch with who i am without crisis surrounding me.

there is beauty in the breakdown.

east vs. west

Hooray...Ontario is slowly catching up to BC!

this is my heart

this is my heart.

I like to look at the crushes I get as manifestations of heart opening
every opening leading me towards the one that deserves a heart such as this.
but i must confess
having crushes gets tedious after a while.

being a leo i need boldness
but we are all self indulgent
sometimes i just want someone to step out of their bubble and risk a little for me


perhaps one day i'll understand all this heart opening
and i'll hope it doesn't slam shut when one day comes
One day I will love myself and another in the way we are all deserving of.

I am making this change for Me.

In 13 days I am moving away from this city.
I've been here for 5 years.
It feels strange because everything around me feels like home. I am truly blessed by the friends I have made in victoria. I have watched friends go through transitions, both physically and emotionally. I have watched everyone hook up, breakup, make up. I have had love here, I have had wonderful solitude. I have lost and rediscovered here. But sometimes comfort isn't enough to make you stay.

Victoria and I are like one of those relationships though, that you have been in for a long time, to the point that you are just comfortable, not necessarily in love anymore, but truly enjoy going through the daily patterns. But I need more than that. I don't know if vancouver will provide that re-invigorated love, but I know this for sure.

I am making this change for Me.

I can't stay here because it is lovely. It may make me miss it more. I am not running away. Not in the least. and that feels good. I often put others needs before mine and I have been working on taking steps to change this over the past few years, little did I know it would lead me to such a big one.

I was at a gathering tonight with people I have known for years, making new connections. Seeing lovelies that I wish I knew better. It was getting late and my ciders were treating me nicely. I walked away and looked back at the circle of punks, hippies, bois, and crazies I call my kin and understood why it is okay for me to leave them, tonight and in 13 days.
Cause I get to leave while the night is still young but late enough to know the reasons to leave.
Blow this city a kiss and walk away while everything still tastes sweet.

bare fingers now adorned

I found my rings! They had been missing for about a year and half now, and I had resigned myself to the fact that they were gone. I'd searched every pocket of every jacket and bag, asked anyone at who's home I may have removed them to play guitar, with no luck. These aren't ordinary rings either, to me at least. They are all traditional lativan jewlery, two of them made by a man in toronto at the store Kalupe, the third inherited. I have great pride and intruige in my latvain heritage and these although these rings are only material objects, they felt like a reminder and a link to my cultural roots.

This morning as I was packing/organizing my craft supplies I came across a little black velvet bag. I intuitively knew they were in there, as I had thought I must have put them somewhere logical, and then lost the logical object in which they were stored. I peeked in the small bag and confirmed their presence, crying, immediately diving towards the phone to call my mother. She too had lost all her precious latvian jewelery at one point and found it again years later. I loved to hear that she too had immediately called her mother when she found it.

My fingers have been bare for a year and a half. It made me sad to where anything anything else on them. It feels really intense to have them back on my hands. They are charged rings, even after resting in a small velvet bag for that long. The matriarchy of my latvian roots is a strong part of my identity. My anscestor Aspasija, the first feminist lativan poet, feels like a kindred spirit to me. My Gaggy (great-grandmother) was a brilliant storyteller, amazing cook, strong woman. My Grammy Ellen, her magic with her hands in the earth growing flowers, organic food, loving of peacefullness and animals, living the sustainable lifestyle I hope to one day. My beloved mother, Christine, funky mama, creative spirit, poet on her healing journey. And here I stand, a little bit of the feminist, the storyteller, the peaceful gardener, the spiritual creative one. All in the notches and braids, amber and silver, returned to my fingers where they feel like they were meant to be.